Write Your story

Lately there have been lots of cuddling and rocking with Shepherd. It's sweet and I love it. I soak up every moment. His smell.  His breathing. His growing legs wrapped around me. I gently cover his little head with kisses being oh so careful to not wake him. And as I sit there, so thankful for his life and his presence in our family, I can't help but ache for the child we never got to hold. It's a bitter sweet moment as I rock my youngest son and wonder about my middle child. For some reason I think she was a girl.  I probably would have named her Corrie Elizabeth after my favorite sisters Corrie and Betsy ten Boom. I wonder about her, mourn her absence from our family, and rest in the hope of Heaven and seeing her for the first time.

I don't want to forget my miscarriage because I don't want to forget my middle child. But how to you close that chapter of pain and loss without forgetting it's story?  I'm not quite sure, but I think it's by knowing and trusting the Author. He's written my story. And it might have some pain and tears, but there is more there too.  There is joy, even in the tears.  There is hope. There is peace.  Knowing the Author and how my story ends makes it a story worth living.

I wrote most of this post sitting under a blow dryer getting my hair did.  I didn't want to read the fashion magazines, so I wrote this.  Somehow I made it through without sobbing, and got in my car. I turn on the radio and what do I hear? I hear God. I hear him confirming that he's a good Author and to trust Him with my story.  I've never heard this song before, but when I turned on my radio I heard a Francesca Battestelli song "Write Your Story".  It was perfect timing, the providence of God.

They say
You're the King of everything
The One who taught the wind to sing
The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My Life
I know it's never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don't know what Your plan is
But I know it's good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in
I wanna tell You now that I believe in
In You, so do what You do, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

 Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

 
I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You've done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write your story, write Your story
Write Your story, write Your story

And so I guess that's what this blog is.  It is me, telling people of God writing my story.  The story or redemption. The story of hope.  Because that's the story he has written on my heart. He is faithful even when I am not. There is hope because of Christ.  I pray I never tire of telling His Story. 

A new name

4 years ago today, I received a new name: Mom.  That day (and many days after) were some of the hardest in my life.  But here's the thing, I wouldn't change a thing. I've come a long way, God has done a mighty work in my life to be able to say that, but its true.  Inara Sarai Duke is my "Heaven sent Princess" and the beauty of her life is in how God cared for her (and me) so mightily.  4 years ago, my daughter was cut from my body and taken away.  4 years ago, my heart experienced such great sorrow in the midst of such great joy.  My heart has grown so much in those 4 years. I didn't know I could love anyone like I do now.  4 years ago, my life changed. I'm so glad it did. What a blessing to be Inara's mom.  I'm so thankful for my new name.

Her first photo. Tiny 3lbs 1oz little miracle

My heart nearly exploded the first time I saw her face without any tubes.
Isn't it the cutest baby face you've ever seen!

Joy comes with the mourning.

 "This picture of Jesus welcoming children should be a great hope and comfort for parents who have lost a baby. The image of Jesus holding our miscarried child on his lap in his eternal kingdom awaiting for our day of entrance is the single most comforting image that comes to mind when I ask myself what has happened to the child we lost." Mark Driscoll

I read this and wept in the car this week.  I wept for the baby we lost over a year ago.  This child would be turning 1 next month.  

When we had our miscarriage, I was really sad. I cried for a few days, then kind of just "got over it."  Then when I got pregnant again, almost immediately, I never thought of her again. I was just hoping and praying this pregnancy didn't end the way the previous one did...with empty arms.  I've thought about it here and there, but not too much. I would just think "well, if I didn't have my miscarriage, then Shepherd wouldn't be there." And it seemed weird to be sad for that, I guess.  

Then last week was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  All day long I saw my friends post about their dear children, they'll never meet this side of Heaven.  I would think about her again, and then just stop doing that.  I didn't realize until I broke reading that article from Mark Driscoll, but I didn't want to think about it.  It was hard and sad.

But his words sank deep into my soul.  My soul needed to mourn.  I needed to cry, and be sad, and call out to God for his comfort.  I needed to imagine our child sitting on Jesus' lap.  Something beautiful happened in my van (and in my heart) that day.  God was showing me to trust him.  Ignoring my miscarriage (and in turn my child) would not bring joy.  Ignoring the pain, does not make it go away.  I thought of the Psalm that says "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning".  I know the Psalmist wrote "morning" as in, the start of the day. But I think its true with "mourning" too.  

Ignoring my pregnancy, child, and miscarriage does not get rid of the pain. It does not bring joy. In fact, I felt condemnation. What kind of mother ignores her child?  Ignoring my pain robs Jesus of the wonderful gift of redemption.  But acknowledging that the sweet life God created in me, is now with her Heavenly Father. Oh! What beautiful sorrowful joy!  I can be comforted by the God who "sympathizes with my weaknesses". I can have an eternal hope of Heaven.  I can rejoice, as I cry with pain, that this little human will never feel the pains of sin in this world. All she'll know is the sweetness of Jesus Christ.

That night for our bedtime story, God's providence has us read about Heaven in our Jesus Storybook Bible.  (Shameless plug, here. This bible is amazing. Go out and buy it now)

I see a throne. And on the throne is a king. And the King is Jesus.  All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures.  There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts our singing a new song... "This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to--our Rescuer.  All Honor and Glory! Forever and ever".

And the Kind says, "Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid.  No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever.  Everything sad has come untrue.  And see--I have wiped away every tear from every eye!"  And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, "Look, I am making everything new!"

"Let the little children come to me"

 God's word does not come back void, right? RIGHT!  Inara asks questions about death and Heaven a lot. It's kind of weird, but not really I guess.  So frequently she'll say "Mom, lets talk about Heaven". Then it becomes my great joy to do so!  One night as we were cleaning up her room, she burst into tears.  Here's how our conversation went down:

Me: Baby! Come here, what's wrong

Inara: Mom! Heaven is just SO far away. And we have to wait a long time until we go there

Me: You're right baby.  But why do you want to go to Heaven?

Inara: Because I want to see Jesus, Mom

I was really so shocked.  I told her about the Holy Spirit and how God is awesome to send us a Helper while we wait for Heaven.  It got me thinking about how Jesus told his followers to let the little children come to him, "for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these".  It was just really awesome to see God's truth being...well...true!

What is something God is showing you in his word that is true? Please share! I really would love to be encouraged!

I had the best day

Today was simple, but I had a really great day on my first Mother's Day to 2 kids. Can I share it with you? Ok, thanks!

It started out wonderful and I got to sleep until 7:30!  I climbed into Inara's bed with her for a few morning snuggles.  We then played with her dollhouse for a while.  This is a new stage for her actually letting me play with her instead of just watching her.  Its fun to see the world through her eyes as she pretends with her dollhouse family.

After about 20 minutes Shepherd woke up.  Let me tell you something.  This little boy has stolen my heart like no one else.  He is just the sweetest thing. So I walk into his room and staring up at me is the sweetest face I've ever seen.  He instantly smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen a baby smile. I scoop him up and shower him with kisses. Side note- I am not sure how I will handle him being too old for me to kiss his chubby neck and cheeks. Justin wakes up we spend semi-uninterrupted time together on the couch. Ps, I really miss him these days.  We get ready for church and we are out the door.

Today was the baby dedication at church.  Our names are called.  We are encouraged by our pastor and I get teary eyed thinking about the 2 tiny blessings in my life. I succeed in not having a complete sob fest in front of the whole church (Thanks Jesus!).  More celebration of new life as we watch 5 or 6 people I don't know get baptized. The great thing is...it doesn't matter that I don't know them.  Seeing people being made new is a beautiful gift and for the second time today, I fight back a complete breakdown.

The rest of the day is spend with Justin, the kids, my parents and we got to facetime with Justin's parents too.  Nothing spectacular, more pretending, more cuddling, LOTS of smiles from my youngest baby, some fun (and not so fun) teaching moments with my oldest baby, and the day ended with bedtime talk about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit....um yeah...trying to explain the Triune God to a 3.5 year old is a bit tricky. But I am so thankful for her inquisitive spirit and even though sometimes it drives me crazy, its a huge blessing and such a joy for her to ask "why" about Jesus and his creation.  I get up to leave her room and Inara says "Momma! I need another hug!"  Typically Inara uses bedtime stalling techniques, but I can tell she genuinely just wants another hug.  I give her a huge squeeze, kiss her snotty face, another squeeze and tell her "Buenos Noches".

As I am nursing Shepherd and I see his bright blue eyes staring back at me, a huge smile, and then some droopy eyelids...I think "I had the best day".  Which then made me think of "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. I am totally not ashamed to say that I really love her.  Anyway, so I listen to the song...and finally sob.  I finally get it.  I get how much my Mom and Dad loves me because that's how much I love Inara and Shepherd.  I sob because I don't think I really ever knew they loved me that much.  I cry even more because I think how incredibly heartbreaking it must have been to parent at times.  I cry out to God and beg him to not let Inara or Shepherd treat me the way I treated my parents. I wipe my nose as I realize these days I have with Inara and Shepherd are so fleeting. It's so cliche, but it really does seem like just yesterday Inara was signing her first words. I blink and almost 4 months have gone by and my last baby is already so big.  Today has been the best Mother's Day yet. Granted I have only had 3, but still...today has been the best day.

If you are a glutton for punishment, then you should definitely listen to this T. Swift song.  You'll probably want some tissues and to be in a room alone so you can ugly cry.

*Ps, once again I have zero pics of me WITH my kids...mom fail*

Having joy and working

This past week has been rough and yesterday it all came to a head.   I woke up and was just straight up depressed.  I was so sleepy when I got off work that I planned on sleeping right up until I had to work, which meant not seeing Inara at all and I was totally ok with it because I exhausted. But when I woke up to it being nearly dark, the thought of me having just enough time to shower and eat before working until 730am, only to go to 2 doctor appointments in the morning, then sleep more until dinner time the next day....it was more than I could handle.  I moped through getting dressed and just felt generally unpleasant.

Thankfully I had a few minutes to sit down and talk it out with God...I am so glad I did.  I sat down on my couch, wrapped up in a warm blanket, watched some snow fall out the window, and still just wanted to complain that I wasn't with Inara to show her the snow outside.  But I picked up my phone and was led to this song:

From the squalor of a borrowed stable,
By the spirit and a virgin's faith;
To the anguish and the shame of scandal
Came the Savior of the human race!
But the skies were filled, with the praise of heav'n,
Shepherds listen as the angels tell 
Of the Gift of God, come down to man
At the dawning of Immanuel

King of heaven now the Friend of sinners,
Humble servant in the Father's hands,
Filled with power and the Holy Spirit,
Filled with mercy for the broken man
Yes he walked my road, and He felt my pain,
Joys and sorrows that I know so well;
Yet His righteous steps, give me hope again -
I will follow my Immanuel!

Through the kisses of a friend's betrayal,
He was lifted on a cruel cross;
He was punished for a world's transgressions,
He was suffering to save the lost
He fights for breath, He fights for me
Loosing sinners from the claims of hell;
And with a shout, our souls are free -
Death defeated by Immanuel!

Now He's standing in the place of honour,
Crowned with glory on the highest throne,
Interceding for His own beloved
Till His Father calls us to bring them home!
Then the skies will part, as the trumpet sounds
Hope of heaven or the fear of hell;
But the Bride will run, to her Lover's arms,
Giving glory to Immanuel!

I barely made it through the first verse before I became a blubbering mess.  It wasn't that God was saying "Oh, don't be sad, this isn't a big deal". It was that even though it is a bummer (even though I really do love my job) that I work outside the home...Jesus knows! "Yes, he walked my road and he felt my pain. Joys and sorrows that I know so well!"  Jesus knows how it is hard to be in a place you don't want to be.  Jesus knows how it feels to be separated from your family! He left his Father for over 30 years.  I didn't feel alone. But more than how I feel, the truth is that I am not alone. 

The next stanza is "yet his righteous steps give me hope again. I will follow my Immanuel." How true? Jesus' life gives me hope. Hope and peace that even though I did not want to work, I can follow his lead and have joy in my circumstance because my "soul is free-death defeated by Immanuel".  I can do more than just and clock in/out. I can be a light in a dark place. I can be a hard worker at a job I love, even while I pray to one day have the privilege to be a full-time worker at home. Because the truth is, no matter where I am "working", God's work is complete in me. He has saved me from emptiness, loneliness, discontentment, and ultimately Hell.  He has brought me into his Kingdom, calls me his beloved, and suffered and died...for me.  

What a difference this made in my time at work.  I know that I can do the life God has given me well (working nights, 3rd trimester, lots of appointments, wife, mom) because it was given to me by God. He hand picked what I need to be more like his perfect Son...and that is what I am living right now.

I surrender all

A friend from church wrote a beautiful and wonderfully inspiring post. God really used her words to literally break me down (picture me sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom by myself).  I didn't even realize how much I have been holding onto other things instead of clinging to him.

With all the uncertainty of my pregnancy (will I be early? will I be on bedrest? will I miscarry again? will I have a healthy baby? Will I have a preemie again?) I realized was clinging to literally the ONE thing I had control of. I was clinging to that no matter what happened at least I bought short term disability at my work and we could pay bills even if I were on bedrest...well apparently I didn't.

Today has been a rough day. I have been lazy, distant, and just depressed because of a new added uncertainty/inconvenience. But God really showed me I have not surrendered ALL, just all that I wanted to.  How hard this lesson is for me to learn! Essentially today I have been pouting because I haven't gotten my way. What a spoiled wretch I am.  I KNOW that surrendering all is so sweet, but I WANT my life to be easy as I surrender what I want. (Its hard not to laugh/cry at how ridiculous my spoiled heart is.)

Inara walked in as I was sobbing and asked "momma, why are you sad?". It was a good question. Why was I sad? I had to think about it and well, I was sad because I didn't get my way. She didn't wait for me to answer. She came over, hugged me and said "It's ok Mom. I'll wipe away your tears". Where she did indeed proceed to wipe away the MANY tears that I had rolling down my face. I knew God was using my sweet daughter to gently break me. I know that it will be ok, and God is currently and will forever wipe away my tears...but it is hard. The hard part isn't not having short term disability, but REALLY surrendering ALL to him.  It is hard to give up the very last thing I could count on when all else seemed uncertain.

Honestly I just want my life to be easy. I want to be a stay at home mom, who doesn't have to work nights, who has a perfect child/life, and no financial worries.  And like the Psalmist I was crying out to God and being honest. I literally said "Is that too much to ask God, I just want it to be easy". But I know that God gives me so much more that "easy". He gives me "good" and "inexpressible joy"...the God of the universe gives me more than what I want....he gives me what I need and that is a restored relationship with the God who created me. That IS better, but I hate that my flesh says it is not.  And like the Pslamists I could end my heart pouring out session with a "but God".  This is why I need to "preach the Gospel to my self daily". To remind myself that Christ didn't die for me to have a perfect or easy life...but he died for me to have a life where Jesus never stops loving, pursuing, chasing, and perfecting me.  OH! How much better that truly is.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

 - Judson W. Van DeVenter

Little baby kicks!

Last night while laying in bed after a very LONG and tiring day (3 hours of sleep the night before) as I was just about to doze off I felt a little flick in my belly.  At first I thought it might be gas (sorry for the TMI), but then it happened a few more times and I was sure it was not gas but indeed our precious tiny baby kicking me! But before I told anyone I did a little experiment.  I kind of pressed around on my belly to see if I could get a response...and I did :) I was so happy! I texted Justin to tell him.  It was a good way to end my day.

But with new joy comes new fears "Will this be the first and last time I feel my baby kick?".  I guess I still am worried about a miscarriage or that something could go wrong.  I didn't even realize I was until my worry started to steal my joy.  So it looks like I STILL need to work on trusting this baby into God's hands.  I know there is no better place for him/her to be, but it is hard sometimes ya know? I guess just good practice for when the baby is here and I will still need to trust God with his/her life :)

Real talks

This morning in my Google Reader this post caught my attention.  I really like When You Rise. They don't bombard you with 1 million posts a day and it seems like the ladies who run the site are REAL people.  So reading this short little post on the importance of the Gospel...really stood out to me. 

For a long time I have been waiting for Inara to be old enough to be able to talk more deeply about her sin and Christ.  Most of our training and disciplining with her has been more focused on the obeying and doing the task at hand...and less on the reasoning.  It was good for her age.  I could see when I tried to explain things to her, her eyes just kind of glazed over.  So we kept it at "Say 'Yes Mom' ", and "Inara you need to make a wise choice and obey"...stuff like that.  But I think I just kind of forgot that she is growing up :)  And she is definitely ready for some deeper explanations/talks.  And today in the car we had one....it wasn't forced, but just being able to recognize that I can talk to her more was a good eye opener.

Recently Inara has been very "me focused". I know that she is in the developmental stage when she thinks the world revolves around her.  But that doesn't necessarily means its ok.  For example she has told me that SHE knows everything, SHE chooses if we have a baby brother or a baby sister, and today she topped them all by saying its all about HER.  We were listening to "Not to Us" by Chris Tomlin. She was asking "Momma, why is it all for you?" Then I tried to explain how Chris was singing about how everything we do is all for God...its all about Him and not us.  Her response "Nope Momma. It's all for me"...parenting fail!

I was thinking about how kids are naturally self centered and how we need to teach them NOT to be. Luckily I have been listening to Bossypants and was reminded of one of her MANY awesome quotes:

When I was a kid there was a TV interstitial during Saturday morning cartoons with a song that went like this "The most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you. You're the most important person!" Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They're the most important person? In the world? That's what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite. They need to be a little afraid of what will happen if they lose the top of their Grizzly Adams thermos

*Side note: After finishing my post...walk...run to your store/computer and buy that book!*

So anyway back to the car.  I told Inara that when she says "it's all for me" that is being selfish and prideful.  I explained how that is sin.  The bad news is when we have sin in our hearts, they are grumpy and yucky (I didn't know how else to explain it...suggestions welcome) and we can't be with God.  *Inara glaring at me*  Wanna know the good news? The good news is that Jesus died to take the sin out of our heart. He forgives us and then we can be with God.  I asked her a question: "Inara, do you want to have a happy day and try to love God? Or do you want to have a grumpy yucky day and love your self?"  Obviously it was no surprise she said she wanted to love her self.  And ya know what, it was ok. She was real and honest...and most importantly I can't make Inara love/obey God.   So I calmly said "Ok Inara. You can choose to love only yourself today and have a yucky grumpy day and a sinful heart" and then very sweetly she said "I don't want to Momma". *sigh* "Ok Inara, do you want to have a happy day?" "Yes, mom". "Ok".  

I then talked about how we LOVE to buy her gifts because it is better to give than receive.  And we have LOTS of fun picking out stuff for her.  So I suggested we do something nice for someone else.  I let her pick who she wanted to love and serve and what she wanted to do.  So today after naptime, we will be making a card for a friend and going to the store to buy them a little gift. I already told her...the gifts are NOT for her. Its for her friend. She still seemed excited.

I think everyday we are going to try to do something nice/serve someone.  It won't always be a big gesture, but hopefully it will start to get her in the mindset that life is not about her.  What suggestions do you guys have for us to do. Stuff that is age appropriate for an almost 3 year old (Yikes, I have an "almost 3 year old"...how did that happen?)

Sweet moments with God :)

So this week I had my first appointment with the high risk OB doctors at Good Sam.  I really thought it would be fine and I would be ok...until I got off the exit.  I was just overcome with all the sadness of the last times I went there.  I just kept thinking...I don't WANT to be here. I never want to come back here again.  I don't WANT to have another baby in the NICU. I just want a normal experience. I sat sobbing in my car just wanting to skip my appointment and continue to ignore my pregnancy. But God is good and wouldn't let me do that.  I texted Justin real quick before I went inside just to tell him to pray for me if he could.  I sent up a quick prayer of "Oh, God...just help me...in anyway".

I registered for my ultrasound. And received this email from my wonderful man:

God is good. Trust in Him today. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for
welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Then as I walked the halls to my ultrasound trying not to freakout and think about all the horrible possibilities and my old memories of my last ultrasound there....I saw these:

I also saw another one that had this scripture on it:

I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?

My help come from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

I was such a sweet moment from our loving Savior.  After seeing those murals and email from Justin, I held it together through the ultrasound and appointment. Which brings me to this:

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD SO FAR! Baby #2 has a good strong heartbeat and is still due January 25th 2013 :) I have to get a TON of lab work done this week. Go back next week and then hopefully go back in 4 weeks.  I am thankful for a good ultrasound...yes. But more than that, I am so thankful that while no one was with me for the 3 hours at the hospital....I NEVER felt alone. God really was is holding my hand and I will cling to him tighter and tighter.

I'm letting go

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

I am making this the theme for my life right now. To be honest, since I found out I was pregnant, I have not been me. I have ignored God and pushed him away.  I am terrified of having another miscarriage, of getting bad news at my 20 week ultrasound, of having a still born baby, having a premature baby, and having my baby die at the hospital I currently work at....not super great things have been going on in my heart lately. But instead of trusting that God has plans for my good I have been running away from the ONLY one who can give me rest.  

Today at church, my sin found me out. I am so thankful!  Thankful for a God who has not given me over to my sin, and who lives to intercede for me.  I realized in church I have really been ignoring the fact that I was pregnant...I mean duh right.  I was excited to be pregnant, but not hopeful it would end in a "good way".  But God is quick to remind me that His was are higher than my ways, and there is no better place to be than praying for God's will to be done...whatever that may be.  There have been countless blessings that have come from Inara being born prematurely.  Honestly...too many to count.  Would I have chosen for that to happen? Heck-to-the-no. Am I joyful in knowing that even though I wouldn't have planned it that way, God did and His plans are perfect...OH YES!

Please don't get me wrong. I do not have it together. I sit here with tears rolling down my face as I give this pregnancy and little child to the Lord. I am still terrified of the "what ifs" that could happen...BUT I am making a choice to not stay there. To ask God everyday to take my fear and replace it with trust. I am pleading with God to have a healthy baby, who is born full term, and nurses like a champ :)...but I am praying God will let me hold my plans loosely so I can cling to Him.  So...I am letting go and losing control...I am terrified...but have so much more hope and joy today than I have had in the past 6 weeks. What do you need to let go of, so you can hold tighter to Christ?

Baby, Baby, Baby OOO

So yes, we are surprisingly pregnant!  It was a big surprise as we were not trying to get pregnant, but it has been so obvious thus far, that God had other plans.  Well remember when I miscarried a few months ago?  Well things just hadn't been right for awhile with my body after that. So I went to see my doctor who started me on a medication I was to take for 10 days that would help kick start my cycle....well that didn't really happen. I called them to make a follow up appointment since things were still crazy, but I was feeling pretty yucky that day.   So I figured I would just take ONE MORE pregnancy test just to be sure... at this point I had burned through like 5 in a few months....and low and behold

Ps how fun are tests that say "Pregnant" and not just 2 little lines?

It was kind of a shocker.  The next day I was planning on calling my high risk OB to set up my first appointment. I figure I should know the name of the medication they gave me, so I looked it up real quick and my stomach sank.  The medicine I was on WHILE I was pregnant is REALLY bad to take if you are preggo. It can cause lots of problems.  So I just sat there...staring at my computer screen thinking how I'll likely be having another miscarriage soon.  Meanwhile, Inara is playing by herself in her room. I have the monitor on and I hear the sweetest voice sing to me:

Savior, He can move a mountain

My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save

Forever, author of salvation.

He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave

I just burst into tears. No truer words have ever been spoken. My sweet little girl (who I use to sing that song to while she was in the NICU for 1 month), was singing exactly what my heart needed to hear. God is big and mighty and can choose to save this tiny baby in my womb if He chooses too. BUT should He choose not to, God is still big and mighty and has saved my soul from Hell and rescued me to Heaven. *sigh* I KNEW know it will be ok.

So on last Monday I went to have an ultrasound to "confirm" my pregnancy and find my estimated due date.  I was kind of nervous, but as soon as I saw the little flutter on the screen and heard the little thumps of a heartbeat. I had instant relief! I tried not to cry so I wouldn't mess up the pictures. All my fears quickly subsided that moment.

So now I am in that "oh my gosh I feel so sick and tired all the time" state. But now I can be happy because it means there's a baby in there!  So if you think about it, could you pray for us? Last time I got pretty sick with Inara and we are hoping we don't repeat that and I don't end up on bedrest either.  I also had some crazy symptoms last time (pregnancy induced carpal tunnel) that I would like to not have this go around. Baby Duke will be here 1/25/13!

PS, thanks for all the excitement! I mean I was pretty excited, but the fact that SOOO many other people are too makes it super fun for us :)

Parenting is hard sometimes...

I know it is worth the work, but it has been a battle this week. And mostly not even with Inara. She is just being a normal 2 year old. But for me, it is a battle of wills.

Lately I have been working/sleeping a lot more than normal since I have been training for my new job. But PTL I am done with orientation, I have 5 days in a row off, and then start working part-time again!  But today has been my first "normal" day home with Inara in weeks.  I had to go to the doctor, get gas, and pick up a prescription.  She really really good at the doctor's office then got progressively impatient, disobedient, and unhappy.  While I was waiting for my medicine at CVS, I SOOO wanted to just buy her a little toy to shut her up. She REALLY wanted a sucker, but I didn't have one and neither did CVS.  She was unhappy sitting in my lap, unhappy sitting in a chair, unhappy unless she was running around wild or begging for some candy (thank you CVS for putting ALL candy at eye/grabbing level of my 2 year old).  So for MY sanity, I just wanted to buy her something so she could be happy...and honestly leave me alone. But I knew that was not really loving her, it was loving me and not pleasing to God. So I sat there and tried, tried, TRIED to be loving, kind, and patient towards her.  Then on the car ride home she said she was mad at me for "making her sad" and then said "I want my Daddy" :(

Then we got home and her first words were "I wanna watch a show". We normally don't let her watch TV all day long, but the past few months we have let her watch a lot more.  I knew I would be in for a fight.  She begged and cried, and once again I wanted to give into her so she would be happy.  And a happier kiddo is much easier than an unhappy kiddo...but its not better all the time.  And so, she started to argue with me so she could watch a show.  Finally (thanks God), we moved on from TV and actually had a good time together. We "cooked" in her kitchen, played a game of memory, dressed up, painted nail, and had a picnic before lunch.  I was so thankful for that little time with her.  Had I given into her demands and what she wanted and just watched a movie until nap time, I would have missed out on being able to talk to Inara about what real beauty was while we were painting her nails. I would have missed sitting in the warm sun, listening to the bird chirp, while Inara sat on my lap and we ate together. But most importantly I would have missed an opportunity to REALLY be her parent. Not just a supervisor, but an example of Christ.  Today I am thankful God doesn't give me everything I want. I think I saw just how wonderful of a Father God is to me.  It is humbling. It is good.

Funk

I have been kind of in a spiritual "funk" lately.  I guess its been going on for about a month.  When I started my new job I had to work everyday 8-430 for 2 weeks and I have been working full time on the floor for almost a month...phew! Full-time working moms...you are super-heros for doing that week in and week out. 

I tried to read a little in the mornings. I would wake up, which is a feat in itself, but my brain just did NOT work that early.  Then after a few weeks I developed a nasty habit of not savoring but ignoring my time with the Lord. I could see its effect on my heart.  I was just blah.

Then Sunday at church..amazing!  My church is doing a sermon series on Worship. The past 2 weeks have been titled "What does whole hearted worship look like?". It was so good for me to hear the biblical truth preached. Our church isn't perfect, but I am beyond grateful for the comittment to preach biblical principles and truths.  Go here and listen...I promise you will not regret it!

I had been coming to God, or just ignoring Him altogether because I just had too much "stuff" to deal with. My heart was nasty and sinful and I could feel the distance I was putting between me and God.  But these past 2 weeks have jsut reminded me... it is not about me!  I mean DUH right?  How silly I am.  The God of the universe, who chose me from before time, to die for my sins (and not because of how lovely I am, but because how good HE is), died for MY sins...not just sin in general...but every little nasty, black, sinful part of me. How quickly I lose the focus from what He did and is doing, to what I should/need to do to deserve his favor.

I am renewed with hope that my biggest problem has been taken care of and there is nothing I can do to ruin that.  "We are loved, and its quite enough that we are loved"- so simple but so true!

Great is His faithfulness!

*Warning...long post ahead, but it will be worth it :)

Well I told you there was more to my interview story and there is....kind of. I really feel God used the whole interview process of fighting the mental battle of worry and hoping in Him alone to prepare me for what would happen just a few days later...a miscarriage.

Wednesday was my interview and then on Saturday I found out I was pregnant.  I was about a week late so I figured I would just do a little double check. I kept it real classy and took a pregnancy test in the Kroger bathroom...after midnight...and I may or may not have been in my pajamas :)  Immediately it was negative, but that is what happened with Inara so I decided to wait the full 3 minutes to look again. I packed up my stuff put on my coat and looked again...POSITIVE! I seriously was freaking out and may have cussed a little. Not because I was mad...but because I was so surprised.  I called my BFF (yep almost 27 and I have a BFF, don't judge) to tell her the news. I didn't tell Justin first because he had previously given me permission to discuss with Katie and her husband to find some fun/creative way to tell him.  I tried not to freak out and get too excited...but that really hard. I calculated my EDD...early November.  That seemed perfect to me, because I love the time when Inara was born.

That night I got like ZERO sleep! I really tried to fight the battle of my thoughts and just get some rest.  I kept telling myself "I'm pregnant...well so what! You will still be pregnant in the morning and you BEST get some sleep so you can take care of Justin and Inara".  So I woke up in the morning and took another test...I dunno just to double check or something...and well it WAS positive...but just barely.  I thought that was strange, but had a friend who recently had a similar situation and everything turned out fine.  I talked to her at church and see (very wisely) suggested I talk with Justin about what was going on. So I did...and let me just take a minute to brag on my man. He is the best. He was so sweet, caring and tender the whole time.  I can't imagine going through life without him. He truly is my other half.  We talked and I decided I would take one Monday morning and see how it went from there.  Monday morning came and it was negative.  So I figured I would call my doctor.  I'll save you all the details, but on Wednesday it was confirmed I had a miscarriage.

But while I was waiting to know whether I was still pregnant or use to be pregnant, God was really amazing to me.  He helped me to hope in him alone, not compare my self to my friend who had a similar situation and who continued to be pregnant, and even help me go to a baby shower for a friend and be genuinely happy for her and the other 9 million pregnant women there :)  I wasn't bitter or jealous and when people would ask "So when are you guys going to have another baby" (a question I have learned a while ago to not ask people) I didn't get emotional and think "well actually I am pretty sure I am miscarrying right now".  Instead I said, who knows? And that was true.  I am SO very thankful to be able to share in my friends celebration and focus on her and not my self. It truly was a gift from God

So Wednesday, I started the day feeling pretty crappy, but still had to go to work. It was so amazing though how God tenderly reminded me of his goodness. On my way to to drop off Inara at my parents we had this sweet little conversation:

Inara: Where we goin?

Me: We are going to mawmaw and pawpaws

Inara: Why?

Me: Because Pawpaw loves you and wants to take care of you

Inara: Why?

Me: Because God gives us family as a blessing to love us

Inara: What's a blessing?

Me: Well a blessing is something that God gives us because he loves us. So family is a blessing from God

Inara: And what else?

Me: Having a warm house is a blessing

Inara: And what else?

Me:  Well having yummy food to eat is a blessing

Inara: and what else?

Me:  Having a God that loves us is a blessing

Well you get the point, but that conversation lasted nearly the whole car ride as Inara forced me to recall all the blessings in my life at the exact time I needed to be reminded of them. It was such a tender way to God remind me of His goodness and ALL the amazing blessings I have.

So yeah...I guess that is the story. I am not devastated but it was a pretty big bummer.  Even though I was shortly pregnant, I wanted to remember. Once again as a testimony for how good God is because this time showed me a little more about how gracious and wonderful our Savior is.

I Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

     the wormwood and the gall!

 

My soul continually remembers it

     and is bowed down within me.

 

But this I call to mind,

    and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

     his mercies never come to an end;

 

they are new every morning;

     great is your faithfulness.

 

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

     “therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:19-23

PS, when I copied this text from biblegateway.com the text was not bold, but when I pasted it to my blog it was...divine intervention huh :) Just thought it was a funny way for God to remind me!

Its a Duke Christmas

*Title is taken from one of my favorite scenes in 30 Rock. Go watch it here...I promise it won't disappoint, also I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post it..oops*

This Christmas I am so thankful for my wonderful husband. He keeps me grounded and as written in previous posts he makes "it real for me".  And I am so thankful he has help make Christmas REAL for me and Inara. To remind us what it is really about and keep us focused on the main thing.  Yes, we watched tons of Christmas movies, made fun ornaments, drove around and looked at lights and even gave presents, BUT he kept me focused on Christ and not all the other stuff. 

I LOVE giving gifts! Its so fun to buy stuff for others and if I buy presents super early then I always end up giving them to the person early...I just can't wait! So with Inara being older this year I so wanted to have the tree with tons of presents coming out from underneath it.  But Justin reminded me a few times....that's not what we do.  We decided even before Inara was born to do Christmas different. To try to make it about Christ and the giving...not the receiving.  We decided that each month we would celebrate Christmas. We would take turns buying her a gift each month and talk about the ultimate gift in Christ. That way when Christmas in December rolls around she we aren't in anticipation for tons of presents but hopefully the savior.

So this morning we woke up peacefully (I actually slept in a little), she opened her 2 presents, and we all opened our stockings.  Yep, TWO presents. That is all she got from us.  But here is the thing, I am fully confident we gave her much more.  We spent most of the days in December recounting the Christmas story through an Advent calendar, where we have seen her actually USE scripture to help her not be afraid!  We have given her the gift of learning how to use money in a way that glorifies God. We don't buy presents unless we have the money, and honestly we didn't have the money to buy her more 2 gifts and few stocking stuffers.  We talk about money a lot and we want Inara to know money doesn't just grow on trees. You have to work, to earn money, to buy stuff.

But don't feel bad for us and Inara for having an "empty" tree, because we have an empty tomb and hearts full of joy. And don't roll your eyes at that statement either :) This morning Inara had a blast with her puzzles, glow bracelets, flavored chapstik, and new Sesame street DVD. She had fun making our last 2 ornaments, and we had a relaxed Christmas morning where we could all relax and be thankful not only for Christ's birth but for his death and resurrection.  

This year I am so thankful for being blessed for so much more than I deserve.

Broken heart

Dear Inara, today is the first (and I'm sure not the last), you broke my heart. I am writing you this letter now with a sad heart, so one day when you are older you will remember that love is a choice...we choose to love you, even when it is hard. Please know that when you have your own kids, Lord willing.  They will break your heart too, it will hurt a lot, but you can choose to continue loving them.  I will choose to love you even though its hard and it hurts, because God has let us borrow you for a little while and He has asked us to love you and care for you.  You see, God's love is constant, perfect, and never changing.  Even when we sin against God, his love is always there through Jesus. He is the example of the perfect parent, and we want to be parents that glorify God and show you how great He is. I love you, Inara. I will ALWAYS love you.

S.A.D.

Wow, I know I am not the only one who is SO over this rainy, dreary weather. And while this post is not me complaining about the weather, God has used this bummer weather to show me things about my heart. It is just as dreary, cold, and dead as it is outside.  I have been feeling so depressed, discontent, and unhappy this week. And there is a direct correlation between my time with God and how I "feel". But I am so thankful how God has pursued me these past couple days.

This morning, as I was driving to work, there was only junk on the radio. So I pressed play on my CD player because I thought I had a worship CD in there. But to my surprise it was a CD of a Sermon my pastor did a few weeks ago. Hello divine intervention!  The sermon (found here), titled "Where are the nine?", is about being thankful giving thanks always. It came right at the perfect time. I have so much to be thankful for, nothing to be depressed about, and EVERYTHING to praise God for.

I am thankful God doesn't leave me in this cold, dark, dreary place. Tomorrow it is predicted to be sunny just as it is PROMISED that his mercies will be new every morning.

Thankfulness Day 29

Today I am thankful for Gods provision. This morning I got into a very mild fender bender. But thankfully I wasn't injured, the other driver was OK, and so were our cars. We really can't afford to get in a wreck, and the other driver was on her way to take her aunt to tradition, so I am sure she was thankful too. We bumped each other, got out, looked at our cars, not even paint was chipped on our cars, got back in our cars, and went on our merry way.  I am thankful God was looking out for both of us.

Then I called Children's hospital to inquire about a new random bill we received. We currently are on a payment plan to pay for Inara's surgery in march. We keep paying our monthly payment, but instead of what we owe going down....it is increasing. Radiology visits, an er visit, and ortho follow up appointments make it really hard to make any progress. So when I got a new bill, I was kind of stressed. So I called them and they actually added all our little bills to our current bill, we have 2 extra weeks to make a payment now, and our payment only went up $1 a month. It may not seem like a big deal, but its just one more example of God reminding me that he is in control. And to remind me of the greater debt he paid for me on the cross. I am not happy that we will have been paying children's hospital from the time Inara was born until likely after her 3rd birthday, and while I AM so thankful for modern medicine and insurance, I am more thankful that being in "debt" is a reminder of my eternal debt that was paid by Christ....and that gives me great joy.

Thankfulness Day 27

Today I am thankful for Christmas! We put up our tree and decorations this morning all while watching what else...ELF! We had fun telling her about lights, ornaments, and what Christmas is really about. Then I went to the grocery. On my way home I was listening to my FAVORITE Christmas album of all time Mariah Carey's "Merry Christmas"....SO GOOD! One of the reasons I love her album is because the songs are upbeat because some of the traditional Christmas songs sound so somber and serious. Well I was listening to Joy to the World, and by the time I got home I was seriously sobbing!

It was just so overwhelming listening to this happy joyful song about how we NOW-because of Christ being born, living a perfect life, dying for our sins, and seated in Heaven with God- have JOY! True and perfect joy :)  Ah...this is Christmas. I am so thankful today for Jesus leaving perfect union with God, living life perfectly in the sinful world, and doing it to obey His Father, who was PLEASED to crush Him for my sake.

And I am so excited to get to share this wonderful, miraculous, beautiful, joyful story with Inara. I am really excited to use Truth in the Tinsel to help me with this. I am excited to do this with her every day and to be reminding myself (and rejoicing in) the real reason for Christmas. Before I said I probably would only do some of the days, but after this morning I am REALLY excited to teach about Christmas every day from here on out.  Wanna join me? Join the Facebook Challenge here and be encouraged by other families across the nation sharing in the Advent experience too.  You can also find some Christmas coloring sheets here.

How will you be celebrating Christmas this year?