Being Depressed

Well if that isn't the most exciting title, I don't know what is?!  Just kidding. I've been away from my blog for a while. 1) Its really hard to keep up with these days. Who knew having a second kid would add so much more work. 2) I feel like I've not had really anything great to write. Then tonight Justin encouraged me to blog about how I've been depressed lately.  So I'm submitting to him, and here we are.

Anyways, about a month ago, something changed. It wasn't a specific thing that happened, but I noticed all the joy in my life was gone.  I wanted to sleep all day, I wasn't eating, and I wanted to sleep some more. I've always wanted to stay home with my kids, but found my self longing for work days, counting down the hours until Justin would be home with me, and looking for ways to leave the house. I didn't want to do anything. Go out. See people. Cook. Eat. Clean. All I wanted was sleep.

One day I was in the kitchen and just burst into tears because I had to do the dishes.  Seriously folks, I'm a pretty stellar human being :)  I found my self CRYING OVER THE DISHES.  I thought, that surely there was something more important, more Godly, with more eternal significance, than doing dishes, changing diapers, cooking food.  I would think about my day at work, how I SAW what I did, and how it mattered. I could see how bringing coffee to a tired mom, made a difference.  How praying for a friend and sending an encouraging text meant something. But, this? Snotty noses, dirty counters, and laundry? What was I doing? Did it matter? Add some "mommy guilt" and I was feeling top notch.  

I thought, "Oh my gosh. Why am I thinking these things? Something is wrong, this isn't me. I love my kids and being at home." And I was right. Something was wrong, but that IS me. That IS who I am without Christ. Depressed. Unmotivated. Angry. Impatient. Unkind. Unloving. Selfish. I was being me. I was ignoring my Savior. And without the love of Christ overflowing in me. There is nothing good in my heart. I'll say it again, because its true. There is nothing good in me. Everything that is good and loving and kind and sweet, is from the Lord. So when I lose sight of who He is, and what He's done for me...my heart is cold and dark and lonely.

By God's grace I confessed my sin, was forgiven, repented and started just doing the next thing.  There still wasn't joy, but I was getting up and moving. Going outside with the kids. Cleaning the 10 cup of the day (Seriously, how do 2 tiny humans use so many cups?!). Meal planning. Reading a book. Playing and interacting.

And you know what else? Without Christ as my focus, life IS depressing. Without working for him, doing the dishes AGAIN is infuriating and insulting. Honoring Christ MUST be my focus, because Shepherd's never going to say "Wow, mom. I'm sorry I smacked you 5 times before 10am today. You look like you need a rest. Go have a nap". When my focus is on the things of this world, my outlook is bleak. BUT, when (by God's grace) I can see past the snot, to the tiny hurting heart that needs a Savior just as much as I do, that is where the work and joy is. Doing the dishes all day long, because I'm loving "the least of these" and therefor loving Jesus.

My sweet, sweet friend Katie gave me these two small prints that fit perfectly by my sink, which is where I spend a lot of my day. It was (and still is) a great reminder that my work matters.  It matters because its been given to me from a loving, perfect, and holy God.

I'd love to say that it's all rainbows and unicorns over here. But I'm still fighting. But. I'm fighting.  I'm choosing to trust God with what he's given me and to obey his calling on my life. It has gotten better. Last week the kids were sick and I was so sad I had to go to work.  But then I was happy, that I was sad. Because that meant I wanted to be home. That meant God was working in my heart.

Playing with the kids has actually been fun, instead of a chore. Wrestling when I'm sleepy didn't make me angry yesterday, it gave me energy. God is good. Being a Mom, is by far the most selfless and hardest thing I've ever, ever, EVER done. But it's also showed me so much about my dark, dirty, heart, and the sweet loving, tenderness of my Savior and my Heavenly Dad. 

Write Your story

Lately there have been lots of cuddling and rocking with Shepherd. It's sweet and I love it. I soak up every moment. His smell.  His breathing. His growing legs wrapped around me. I gently cover his little head with kisses being oh so careful to not wake him. And as I sit there, so thankful for his life and his presence in our family, I can't help but ache for the child we never got to hold. It's a bitter sweet moment as I rock my youngest son and wonder about my middle child. For some reason I think she was a girl.  I probably would have named her Corrie Elizabeth after my favorite sisters Corrie and Betsy ten Boom. I wonder about her, mourn her absence from our family, and rest in the hope of Heaven and seeing her for the first time.

I don't want to forget my miscarriage because I don't want to forget my middle child. But how to you close that chapter of pain and loss without forgetting it's story?  I'm not quite sure, but I think it's by knowing and trusting the Author. He's written my story. And it might have some pain and tears, but there is more there too.  There is joy, even in the tears.  There is hope. There is peace.  Knowing the Author and how my story ends makes it a story worth living.

I wrote most of this post sitting under a blow dryer getting my hair did.  I didn't want to read the fashion magazines, so I wrote this.  Somehow I made it through without sobbing, and got in my car. I turn on the radio and what do I hear? I hear God. I hear him confirming that he's a good Author and to trust Him with my story.  I've never heard this song before, but when I turned on my radio I heard a Francesca Battestelli song "Write Your Story".  It was perfect timing, the providence of God.

They say
You're the King of everything
The One who taught the wind to sing
The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My Life
I know it's never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don't know what Your plan is
But I know it's good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in
I wanna tell You now that I believe in
In You, so do what You do, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

 Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

 
I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You've done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write your story, write Your story
Write Your story, write Your story

And so I guess that's what this blog is.  It is me, telling people of God writing my story.  The story or redemption. The story of hope.  Because that's the story he has written on my heart. He is faithful even when I am not. There is hope because of Christ.  I pray I never tire of telling His Story. 

A new name

4 years ago today, I received a new name: Mom.  That day (and many days after) were some of the hardest in my life.  But here's the thing, I wouldn't change a thing. I've come a long way, God has done a mighty work in my life to be able to say that, but its true.  Inara Sarai Duke is my "Heaven sent Princess" and the beauty of her life is in how God cared for her (and me) so mightily.  4 years ago, my daughter was cut from my body and taken away.  4 years ago, my heart experienced such great sorrow in the midst of such great joy.  My heart has grown so much in those 4 years. I didn't know I could love anyone like I do now.  4 years ago, my life changed. I'm so glad it did. What a blessing to be Inara's mom.  I'm so thankful for my new name.

Her first photo. Tiny 3lbs 1oz little miracle

My heart nearly exploded the first time I saw her face without any tubes.
Isn't it the cutest baby face you've ever seen!

Joy comes with the mourning.

 "This picture of Jesus welcoming children should be a great hope and comfort for parents who have lost a baby. The image of Jesus holding our miscarried child on his lap in his eternal kingdom awaiting for our day of entrance is the single most comforting image that comes to mind when I ask myself what has happened to the child we lost." Mark Driscoll

I read this and wept in the car this week.  I wept for the baby we lost over a year ago.  This child would be turning 1 next month.  

When we had our miscarriage, I was really sad. I cried for a few days, then kind of just "got over it."  Then when I got pregnant again, almost immediately, I never thought of her again. I was just hoping and praying this pregnancy didn't end the way the previous one did...with empty arms.  I've thought about it here and there, but not too much. I would just think "well, if I didn't have my miscarriage, then Shepherd wouldn't be there." And it seemed weird to be sad for that, I guess.  

Then last week was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  All day long I saw my friends post about their dear children, they'll never meet this side of Heaven.  I would think about her again, and then just stop doing that.  I didn't realize until I broke reading that article from Mark Driscoll, but I didn't want to think about it.  It was hard and sad.

But his words sank deep into my soul.  My soul needed to mourn.  I needed to cry, and be sad, and call out to God for his comfort.  I needed to imagine our child sitting on Jesus' lap.  Something beautiful happened in my van (and in my heart) that day.  God was showing me to trust him.  Ignoring my miscarriage (and in turn my child) would not bring joy.  Ignoring the pain, does not make it go away.  I thought of the Psalm that says "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning".  I know the Psalmist wrote "morning" as in, the start of the day. But I think its true with "mourning" too.  

Ignoring my pregnancy, child, and miscarriage does not get rid of the pain. It does not bring joy. In fact, I felt condemnation. What kind of mother ignores her child?  Ignoring my pain robs Jesus of the wonderful gift of redemption.  But acknowledging that the sweet life God created in me, is now with her Heavenly Father. Oh! What beautiful sorrowful joy!  I can be comforted by the God who "sympathizes with my weaknesses". I can have an eternal hope of Heaven.  I can rejoice, as I cry with pain, that this little human will never feel the pains of sin in this world. All she'll know is the sweetness of Jesus Christ.

That night for our bedtime story, God's providence has us read about Heaven in our Jesus Storybook Bible.  (Shameless plug, here. This bible is amazing. Go out and buy it now)

I see a throne. And on the throne is a king. And the King is Jesus.  All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures.  There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts our singing a new song... "This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to--our Rescuer.  All Honor and Glory! Forever and ever".

And the Kind says, "Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid.  No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever.  Everything sad has come untrue.  And see--I have wiped away every tear from every eye!"  And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, "Look, I am making everything new!"

Wrestling with God

*Disclaimer, God's ways are higher than my ways and I do NOT claim to know why God does what he does. This post is just me working through the tragedy's of last week with a biblical mindset. I am posting in case someone is struggling in the same way.*

I have been wrestling with God about the events of last Friday.  It is so heartbreaking and incomprehensible the evil that took place in that elementary school.  I have been thinking and struggling with what I think about God in light of what happened on Friday and how God could let this awful thing happen. Many people says its the mental health system and its failures (probably true), others are discussing changes in gun control (good idea), but I was interested in the reason behind all of that...how could God let this happen?

More importantly, I wondered who is God? Can I really trust him with my life? If he could allow something this awful to happen, would he bring tragedy to my life too? I worried all last night that Justin would die and I would be left alone without my very best friend to raise Inara and our unborn child. (Not my finest moment and just being honest here). I knew I needed sort this out with God, because what comes to mind when I think about God has very practical implications for how I live my life.  Here is what God showed me through his inspired and divine word.

Who is God?

• God is a Father.  He knows what it is like to lose a child in a most horrible way
• God never changes (Heb 13:8) God is the same God as he was before, during, and after the shootings
• God is in control of everything (The whole book of Job, Isaiah 45:7) Nothing is a surprise for God. He limits, orders, and controls all things...even the really hard and awful stuff
• God is near to the brokenhearted  (Psalm 34:18)  We are not alone in our suffering
• God is BIG (Isaiah 55:8) I may never know WHY this and other terrible things happen
• God experienced loss (Isaiah 53:10, Isaiah 53:4, and John 11:1-36) so he can relate to us 

Can I trust God?

 -Obviously I can, but I needed to see the proof of why I can

• He has plans not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11)
• He works out everything for good (Romans 8:28-39)
• He is faithful and his mercies never end (Lamentations 3:22-34)
• He will never leave us for forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6)
• He is merciful (Deuteronomy 4:31)
• Where/who else would I go? (John 6:66-69)

These first 2 are hard to hear (but also comforting) during times of loss. It doesn't seem God could use this awful for good, but as I saw above...God is big and his ways are higher than my ways.  I may not see the good from this and other losses, but because of a God's other attributes (faithfulness, merciful, just, sovereign  all knowing etc) I can know those verses are true.

This was a good exercise for me.  The conclusion I came to in regards to my questions is that God is somehow (and I can't explain how) both merciful and just, all knowing and powerful, causes calamity and is near to us, and works all things for our good.  And even though I can explain why on 12/14/12 an unspeakable tragedy happened I can say along with Simon, "Lord, to whom shall I go. You have the words of eternal life".  And much more than "Well, I guess there is no where else to go" and that I can trust God, but that I must and need to trust God. To answer my other question of if God will bring tragedy to my life, my answer is "Yes". I know I am not promised a life free from pain and suffering. It is impossible in our sin filled world. But God promises never to leave me and never to forsake me. And I have seen this first hand and especially when Inara was born. It was awful, but we were never alone. In many ways, I never felt closer to God or more cared for during that time, my miscarriage this year, and early in this pregnancy. And now, this December, my soul is seeing in a new way our great need and great news of Christmas:

"God draws near to those who have lost what is dearest to them. And he does so through his people. And when someone asks us, “Where was God when this happened?” We can say with a hope-filled heart and trembling voice, “God is in the same place today as he was when his own Son hung on a cross. Jesus Christ took all this evil and suffering and swallowed it as a bitter pill. God so loves this sin-sick world that he gave his only Son to it. And whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life with our Father in a world made right. At a time of year when joy and laughter should fill every home, heartbreak and weeping seems out of place. But this is an open door to God's heart. The coming of Immanuel means Herod, murderers, death, and Satan do not win. God is still with us."  David Fairchild, The Resurgence

Here are some other places I found with some helpful insights on what to think:

• The Resurgence
• Ann Voskamp
• John Piper
• I Can Teach My Child
• Crossroads Church

Here is also a song that now screams at me WHY we need a Christmas and a Savior. This is hard for me to trust God here, but I need him. I don't need better gun control or more guns, I don't need to squeeze Inara tight (although I have done that more this week), I don't need the promise of better health care for the mentally ill (although that will help). I need a Savior. 

30 Days of Thankfulness: Day 19

I had been planning on writing about being thankful for Inara today since today is her actual birthday. But honestly, its really hard being her Mom today. I know everyone has those parenting moments.  I just am really having a hard time disciplining her in a meaningful way. It seems like nothing I have done today has really done the trick to get her attention. Either she doesn't care or it doesn't make a lasting impression on her.  Since my blog will be here forever I'll spare you the details of her disrespectful behavior and just leave it at this: it has been rough.  I am thankful Justin is coming home a little early today so I don't have to deal with her my self. And even as I type this, I am sad. I am sad her little heart is so hardened to sin. I am sad she chooses to make unwise choices over and over no matter how I respond (with grace, firmly, disciplining, ignoring etc) I guess it makes me sad for when she is older too. I know I can't MAKE my child choice to make wise choices and that is a total bummer.

So even though it has been a rough day, I have to make wise choices myself. And that means being thankful. Thankful that 3 years ago today I survived. Thankful that Inara not only just made it, but really is thriving. Thankful that God has used her birth in so many ways to bring himself glory. Thankful that my husband was so wonderfully terrific during a really hard time.  Thankful to really see what the body of Christ looks like. I'll be thankful that God teaches me so much about his great love through Inara. Thankful God is the perfect parent. Thankful God has helped me have self-control and wisdom so far today.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, but today I have to fight to be thankful.  It isn't a feeling a choice I have to make today. I pray it will help me really embrace this opportunity to love Inara the best way.

I surrender all

A friend from church wrote a beautiful and wonderfully inspiring post. God really used her words to literally break me down (picture me sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom by myself).  I didn't even realize how much I have been holding onto other things instead of clinging to him.

With all the uncertainty of my pregnancy (will I be early? will I be on bedrest? will I miscarry again? will I have a healthy baby? Will I have a preemie again?) I realized was clinging to literally the ONE thing I had control of. I was clinging to that no matter what happened at least I bought short term disability at my work and we could pay bills even if I were on bedrest...well apparently I didn't.

Today has been a rough day. I have been lazy, distant, and just depressed because of a new added uncertainty/inconvenience. But God really showed me I have not surrendered ALL, just all that I wanted to.  How hard this lesson is for me to learn! Essentially today I have been pouting because I haven't gotten my way. What a spoiled wretch I am.  I KNOW that surrendering all is so sweet, but I WANT my life to be easy as I surrender what I want. (Its hard not to laugh/cry at how ridiculous my spoiled heart is.)

Inara walked in as I was sobbing and asked "momma, why are you sad?". It was a good question. Why was I sad? I had to think about it and well, I was sad because I didn't get my way. She didn't wait for me to answer. She came over, hugged me and said "It's ok Mom. I'll wipe away your tears". Where she did indeed proceed to wipe away the MANY tears that I had rolling down my face. I knew God was using my sweet daughter to gently break me. I know that it will be ok, and God is currently and will forever wipe away my tears...but it is hard. The hard part isn't not having short term disability, but REALLY surrendering ALL to him.  It is hard to give up the very last thing I could count on when all else seemed uncertain.

Honestly I just want my life to be easy. I want to be a stay at home mom, who doesn't have to work nights, who has a perfect child/life, and no financial worries.  And like the Psalmist I was crying out to God and being honest. I literally said "Is that too much to ask God, I just want it to be easy". But I know that God gives me so much more that "easy". He gives me "good" and "inexpressible joy"...the God of the universe gives me more than what I want....he gives me what I need and that is a restored relationship with the God who created me. That IS better, but I hate that my flesh says it is not.  And like the Pslamists I could end my heart pouring out session with a "but God".  This is why I need to "preach the Gospel to my self daily". To remind myself that Christ didn't die for me to have a perfect or easy life...but he died for me to have a life where Jesus never stops loving, pursuing, chasing, and perfecting me.  OH! How much better that truly is.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

 - Judson W. Van DeVenter

Great is His faithfulness!

*Warning...long post ahead, but it will be worth it :)

Well I told you there was more to my interview story and there is....kind of. I really feel God used the whole interview process of fighting the mental battle of worry and hoping in Him alone to prepare me for what would happen just a few days later...a miscarriage.

Wednesday was my interview and then on Saturday I found out I was pregnant.  I was about a week late so I figured I would just do a little double check. I kept it real classy and took a pregnancy test in the Kroger bathroom...after midnight...and I may or may not have been in my pajamas :)  Immediately it was negative, but that is what happened with Inara so I decided to wait the full 3 minutes to look again. I packed up my stuff put on my coat and looked again...POSITIVE! I seriously was freaking out and may have cussed a little. Not because I was mad...but because I was so surprised.  I called my BFF (yep almost 27 and I have a BFF, don't judge) to tell her the news. I didn't tell Justin first because he had previously given me permission to discuss with Katie and her husband to find some fun/creative way to tell him.  I tried not to freak out and get too excited...but that really hard. I calculated my EDD...early November.  That seemed perfect to me, because I love the time when Inara was born.

That night I got like ZERO sleep! I really tried to fight the battle of my thoughts and just get some rest.  I kept telling myself "I'm pregnant...well so what! You will still be pregnant in the morning and you BEST get some sleep so you can take care of Justin and Inara".  So I woke up in the morning and took another test...I dunno just to double check or something...and well it WAS positive...but just barely.  I thought that was strange, but had a friend who recently had a similar situation and everything turned out fine.  I talked to her at church and see (very wisely) suggested I talk with Justin about what was going on. So I did...and let me just take a minute to brag on my man. He is the best. He was so sweet, caring and tender the whole time.  I can't imagine going through life without him. He truly is my other half.  We talked and I decided I would take one Monday morning and see how it went from there.  Monday morning came and it was negative.  So I figured I would call my doctor.  I'll save you all the details, but on Wednesday it was confirmed I had a miscarriage.

But while I was waiting to know whether I was still pregnant or use to be pregnant, God was really amazing to me.  He helped me to hope in him alone, not compare my self to my friend who had a similar situation and who continued to be pregnant, and even help me go to a baby shower for a friend and be genuinely happy for her and the other 9 million pregnant women there :)  I wasn't bitter or jealous and when people would ask "So when are you guys going to have another baby" (a question I have learned a while ago to not ask people) I didn't get emotional and think "well actually I am pretty sure I am miscarrying right now".  Instead I said, who knows? And that was true.  I am SO very thankful to be able to share in my friends celebration and focus on her and not my self. It truly was a gift from God

So Wednesday, I started the day feeling pretty crappy, but still had to go to work. It was so amazing though how God tenderly reminded me of his goodness. On my way to to drop off Inara at my parents we had this sweet little conversation:

Inara: Where we goin?

Me: We are going to mawmaw and pawpaws

Inara: Why?

Me: Because Pawpaw loves you and wants to take care of you

Inara: Why?

Me: Because God gives us family as a blessing to love us

Inara: What's a blessing?

Me: Well a blessing is something that God gives us because he loves us. So family is a blessing from God

Inara: And what else?

Me: Having a warm house is a blessing

Inara: And what else?

Me:  Well having yummy food to eat is a blessing

Inara: and what else?

Me:  Having a God that loves us is a blessing

Well you get the point, but that conversation lasted nearly the whole car ride as Inara forced me to recall all the blessings in my life at the exact time I needed to be reminded of them. It was such a tender way to God remind me of His goodness and ALL the amazing blessings I have.

So yeah...I guess that is the story. I am not devastated but it was a pretty big bummer.  Even though I was shortly pregnant, I wanted to remember. Once again as a testimony for how good God is because this time showed me a little more about how gracious and wonderful our Savior is.

I Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

     the wormwood and the gall!

 

My soul continually remembers it

     and is bowed down within me.

 

But this I call to mind,

    and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

     his mercies never come to an end;

 

they are new every morning;

     great is your faithfulness.

 

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

     “therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:19-23

PS, when I copied this text from biblegateway.com the text was not bold, but when I pasted it to my blog it was...divine intervention huh :) Just thought it was a funny way for God to remind me!

Broken heart

Dear Inara, today is the first (and I'm sure not the last), you broke my heart. I am writing you this letter now with a sad heart, so one day when you are older you will remember that love is a choice...we choose to love you, even when it is hard. Please know that when you have your own kids, Lord willing.  They will break your heart too, it will hurt a lot, but you can choose to continue loving them.  I will choose to love you even though its hard and it hurts, because God has let us borrow you for a little while and He has asked us to love you and care for you.  You see, God's love is constant, perfect, and never changing.  Even when we sin against God, his love is always there through Jesus. He is the example of the perfect parent, and we want to be parents that glorify God and show you how great He is. I love you, Inara. I will ALWAYS love you.

It was a hard week

*warning long post ahead*

This was a very hard week for me. I was super busy taking care of a sick husband, a sick kiddo, working, and trying to not let the house implode.

It all started at the end of our our little get-a-way with my family. The last day Inara woke up, puked, and then was super fussy. It made for a fun (sarcasm) 4.5 hour car ride home...oh and she didn't nap either. She was still really sick on tuesday, so Justin stayed home with her in the morning so I could work. I came home to her just wanting to lay around (and not let me put her down). Every time I would put her down to do anything I heard "mommy, pick you up". It was cute...at first.

Wednesday I spent the morning with her then took her to the doctor as it was obvious something was really wrong with her. She would suddenly tense up, fall to the ground, and cry out "belly hurt". I took her in and they wanted to do some blood work. So I took a tired and sick kiddo to the Outpatient Children's Lab in NKY. It was so sad to hold her down while they drew some blood :( So thankful for the awesome staff though who got it on the first try.  By that evening I was just done with Inara. I was annoyed with her neediness and exhausted from being her mommy.

But that is when things changed. Justin is loves God so much he saw how I was sinning against God and Inara in my frustration, and brought it to my attention. He showed me through 1 Corinthians how I was being "irritable and resentful" and therefore NOT loving.  At first I was really put off. I mean he wasn't the one with a sick kid who wouldn't do anything except take, take, take from him. After we talked, I went to help some friends. But while in the car, I had a really great time with the Lord.  I told him, how I wasn't really sorry for how I acted. I wanted to be, but I wasn't. My heart was hardened. But God is the great healer, and removed my sinful stubborn heard and gave me a tender responsive heart.

I confessed my sin to the Lord, and also my discouragement. I CANT be the perfect loving parent to Inara. She is NOT loving to me. Yes, I love her very much, but she is still a child and demands her own way. It was hard for me to love her when she seemed so demanding. But He reminded me He has given everything I need in His son. I'll never be perfect, but I can have joy during the hard times being reminded of how I have a perfect Father who is transforming me into be more and more like His Son.

Thursday, I had a day at work that defined Murphy's Law. That was followed by us taking Inara to the ER. She didn't really nap and then spend about 1.5 hrs rolling around on the floor crying out in pain. We are so thankful that it turned out to be a small GI problem and is now doing much better. But I was terrified.

Friday I thought I would have a nice easy day working at a clinic only to have a patient of mine lie to my boss about a conversation we had. I also started my book for bible study I am in studying the book The Excellent Wife. And well, let just say I have a LOT to learn this year... 

After a frustrating visit with a patient on saturday, I restarted my day with a great song that revived me and hopefully will encourage you too. But through this week, even though nothing traumatic happened, I feel I have clung to the Cross and Christ with everything I have. He is my only hope when there is sick kid, when there is stress and work, and when life isn't easy peasy.

 In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

What Sarah Said

*Warning long post ahead*

I recently heard this song again in my car. It brought back memories of when my Dad almost died. About  4 years my Dad got diagnosed with lung cancer.  He had surgery to remove his lung and then started chemo a few months later.  That's when he got really sick from the chemo but also when all the side effects nearly killed him.

I'll spare you all the details but he went from having chest pain in the ER to being on deaths door step in the ICU pretty quickly. I was working at the hospital at the time and I literally spent every waking hour at the hospital. If I wasn't working I was with my Dad.  One night they told us he was getting very worse and if he would likely not make it a few more days. At the time I felt like I had to be strong for my family because I was a nurse and needed to answer all the medical questions. They didn't make me feel that way, but I did anyway.

One night I was alone with my Dad in the ICU and he was intubated (which I have determined is the worst way to see a loved one). I held his puffy hand and cried the first (and only) time he was sick. It was so hard. I knew this wasn't the way life was suppose to be.  Selfishly I wanted him to keep fighting and stay with us.  I was too young to bury my father. But as I held his hand alone in the ICU and cried, I told him he could stop fighting. He could go to a place where there is no more pain, tears, sickness and only smiles, joy, and worship of our Heavenly Father.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.


The very next day after the doctors told us he wouldn't make it much longer...something changed. His temperature came up a little. Then a few hours later his blood pressure wasn't so low. Slowly but surely he was turning around and getting better. Both of his treating physicians said they had no idea why he was doing so better because it was nothing they did. But I knew. It was something the Great Physician was doing.

I think I have grieved over his sickness little by little as the years have gone by. It was too hard to deal with it at the time. Well hearing that song helps me to grieve and rejoice. I know it sound strange because by all means that song VERY depressing. But it SO wraps up how it was when he was sick, it WAS depressing.  But remembering also causes me to rejoice in my God who is so powerful to rescue my Dad, not just here on earth, but eternally too.

I don't want to forget about how hard, exhausted, and depressing that time was because then I remember how good, merciful, and mighty my God is.  I talked about something similar in a post last year around Inara's birthday, which is pefectly worded in Lamentations

Lamentations 3:19-24

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.

I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:

  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

     His mercies never cease.
  Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
  I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

How true these verses are. God showed his mercy to SO many people during this time, including my parents.  There are so many little ways that God has redeemed my Dad's Cancer in my Dad, too many to count in fact.  So many ways he showed Himself to be Lord of my parents life and so very powerful.  My parents were hurt even more than I was, but they have said many times, it was worth all the pain they went through (my Dad still going through the physical pain) for how God used it in their lives and the lives of many others.  I am so thankful for a God who is in control and sovereign over all, even sorrow and pain. Which makes me think of this song:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

So VERY thankful for moments like these :)

PS, look how tiny my baby girl is there!

Once a month?

So recently I have been feeling sad again. Sad I because of my unexpected delivery and the potential problems is may cause. Let me try to explain a little.

When I was sent home from the hospital I was told that before we try to get pregnant again I need to have a "pre-conception" visit to discuss options. I was told I have about a 30% chance of developing HELLP again and would be likely be considered a high risk OB patient. No big deal at the time because having another baby and being pregnant  was the LAST thing I was thinking of.

But lately I have been reminded of these likely restrictions on pregnancy and risks included. Would it mean being on bedrest? Weekly visits?  It shouldn't matter because even before Inara was born we had talked about having one child and adopting one child. We felt that after I delivered Inara and given what the doctor told us, it was God's way of really solidifying that plan for us. He did the work of making that decision.

It has been hard this week for some reason. I KNOW that even if all the conditions were perfect, we would still chose to adopt. I just feel like the joy of pregnancy was "taken" from me, because of all the risks involved.  I don't feel mad at God, or even like he is the one who "took" it from me. It's hard to explain though. I think this week has been harder for a few reasons.

1. LOTS of people I know are getting pregnant
2. Its my special time of the month

I know reason 2 sounds funny. But it does seem to be having an affect on my brain. It's like I KNOW the truth/reality of our situation, but I don't care. I WANT to know for sure. I WANT to go to this preconception visit and just know. Know what the risks REALLY are. Know if they could tell me what being "high risk" really means. Know for sure its a bad idea. Know for sure it might be ok

But why do I want to know? Is it to be in control and know that I made the decision and not God? Is it to just know either way and be at peace with all the knowledge I have. It is to be comforted by the fact that I CAN have a baby, and am not less of a woman (which I know is totally NOT true). It's just to KNOW. But what is the point? I will FEEL better. But will I? What if they say "not a good idea"? Won't I just feel worse? And what if they say go ahead? Will I be filled with joy? But then joy is found in my circumstances and not in Christ. And that is not true joy, that is a false joy and a false idol. 

I know this all seems crazy but so is my mind right now. Which makes me really think my hormones are clouding my judgement. Because even as I read what I just wrote a few things stand out to me. I WANT to know certain things, but CHRIST satisfies all my needs and desires.  I FEEL that an answer would make me feel better, but CHRIST gives real joy or peace in times of sorrow. I want to KNOW the answer to my question, but what I do KNOW about Christ is His love is better than life. 

As I concluded that last paragraph, I realize I am not sad at all. God's plan for our family has been fairly clear to us since day one. It is a good. He is good. He has given me a wonderful man of God to help talk me through my thoughts without making me feel crazy (which I am pretty sure I am right now), dismissing how I feel, or allowing me to believe lies.  So yes, I am not sad. Maybe a little bummed...maybe. But mostly peaceful, joyful, and thankful.  But I do wonder if once a month my hormones will make it hard for me again? Oh I surely hope not! But if so, hopefully I can come back to this post and remember the truth that set me free. 

And because I feel like I can't post without posting a picture (for some odd reason), I leave you with one of 2 of my  favorite pics of Inara in the hospital. These photos brings me joy, not sadness, not sorrow.

Snuggling with me in REAL baby clothes :)

1st time I saw her beautiful face without any tubes!

Happy Birthday!

 Welp...its official! I have a one year old?! How did this happen? Can it really be? Well...yes. I took her to her well baby check up and her doctor confirmed....one year old. She weighs 16lbs 2 oz. and is 27 inches long. She is so small, she is not even on the growth chart :( Small but healthy! I have done so much reminiscing in the past week. Thinking a lot of  "this time last year____". I can't help it though... 

I was thinking about how awful November 19th 2009 was. I felt like I was dying, and heard the news my daughter would be born soon. The first doctor said she would come in a couple days. A COUPLE DAYS? I just kept saying "she's not ready, she's not ready"...and I wasn't ready either. It was horrible to hear Justin call our family and friends to tell them the news...and it was heartbreaking later to hear the doctor say she was going to be born today...like right now. Even now as I write, my eyes fill with tears at the thought of how that might have possibly been the worst moment of my life...but I will choose to never forget this time! And I will tell you why I don't want to forget or choose to not remember that part of our story, because it was written by God.  I was driving home this week from a meeting I was struck in a new way by God's word. I have read the following verses probably 100 times this year, but in the car driving...it became so clear to me what the writer meant!

Lamentations 3:19-24

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.

I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:

  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

     His mercies never cease.
  Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
  I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

I will CHOOSE to never forget of this awful time. Because when I think of our "suffering" I am IMMEDIATELY reminded of God's goodness, His mercy to us in our time of need, and His faithfulness. Not one second during our month long separation from our daughter did we feel alone. We knew God had brought us to this trial, and we knew He would carry us through it. The outpouring of love from our small group and church was beautiful. I trusted on God's goodness so much during that time...and that is what I don't want to forget! I want to remember the hard time, so the remembrance of God's grace is that much sweeter. 

Here are some pics from Lauren Lasita Photography. She did such a great job!

Next up...a letter to Inara. My mother wrote letters to me growing up and gave them to me on my wedding day...it was the sweetest thing ever. I plan to do the same for our baby girl!

Suicide

Well now that I have your attention with a dramatic title. Lets talk about it. Suicide is a real problem. I have multiple friends who have lost loved ones to suicide.  My friend Sara and Lyndsey have been helping out at the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk for 2 years. Justin and I walked last year to raise awareness, but we can't this year. That's why I thought I could still help raise awareness even though I can't walk. So here is my 2 cents (if you are interested).

In the medical field, we can fix broken bones, sick tummies, and messed up just about everything.....except the heart/brain. Mental illness is a real thing...it is an illness. Just like diabetes, heart disease, or a headache. There are symptoms and there are treatments. Mental illness is the same way...there are symptoms that point to suicide and there are treatments for severe depression too. I'll give a personal example of this..ME!

In high school I went through a very "dark" period. I would say I was "depressed". I was tired, lazy, tearful, and frequently had morbid thoughts. I thought no one loved me, no one cared. If only I could do something to get their attention, then maybe I would feel better. I thought about cutting my self  "accidentally" or even throwing my self down the stairs to get injured. While I didn't want to die, I did want to hurt my self...to feel something...to feel anything. I am thankful God intervened with wonderful parents I knew I could talk to. I told them about how I was feeling and they took me to a counselor. It was then God also opened my eyes to His Gospel. Through the 2 of these things I was able to heal and see there is a reason to live...CHRIST!

I can share this now because of what He has done in my life. He saved me. My life was empty, dark, and lonely. No wonder my heart was "sick", I was living my life apart from the most wonderful Creator who I was born to be in relation with.

Has suicide been apart of your story? Wanna get involved? Wanna help? Here is how!

1. Register here to walk for the AFSP
2. TALK! People are lonely and empty and have no hope. Offer it to them with the love of Christ and show them they are not alone, they are not the only ones broken
3. TALK...some more. Mental illness is a taboo subject, but it doesn't need to be. People who have headaches aren't ashamed they take medicine for it. Lets talk about depression and suicide so people feel free to ask for help.

If you are reading this and you think you need help. PLEASE ask!  You can call this suicide hot-line: 1-800-273-TALK or email me and I would love to meet with you.

True Love

Lately it seems that lots of people around me are facing horrific, life changing event. Cancer, infertility/miscarriage, Cancer again. Today I read another sad story of a friend whose young son was just diagnosed with Leukemia. AH...I HATE cancer...it has killed multiple family members, nearly taken my Father's life, a friend is battling with it, and now a young child. I was so overwhelmed with sorrow this morning. I am allowed to be upset too. It was not apart of God's original plan for there to be sickness, infertility, heartache. Of course, with the news of my friend's son, I started thinking of Inara. The thought was too heavy to bear. What if SHE had it? How awful a road to walk down...I can't! Then quickly I realized....I don't have to...not yet at least.

When Inara came suddenly into our lives 2 months early...it was hard, but ok. We found joy and hope in Christ alone. People would come visit in the hospital and be overwhelmed with her story and be in tears. But I didn't cry at first, it was what it was. She was a fighter and we were so thankful she was doing ok. The trials that my friends are going through are THEIR trials...not mine and that's why I can't bear the thought of it. God allowed these things to happen, and He will bring them through it too.

I started thinking about love. How can I love Justin, Inara, family, and friends perfectly ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and wholly and NOT be overwhelmed when this sinful world causes them pain? I think I found the answer...correct me if I am wrong. You can't. To love someone is to look out for their good. Cancer is not good, sickness is not good, pain is not good. To truly love people is a dangerous path...but most fulfilling too. My heart will be broken again...as more friends have bad news, as Inara grows up and rebels against us (and God), as people I love dearly experience deep pain.

But dear readers, isn't that the most wonderful thing about The Cross. It offers hope, in a hopeless world. It offers peace, when there is no people to be had. The Cross changes everything. When you put your hope in Christ, your circumstances do not change. Christians experience pain, and job loss, and sickness. BUT Christ is bigger. I know my friends who have/are experience awful things do not have to be overcome by sorrow. YES there is sorrow when your spouse has cancer, YES there is despair when your child is very ill. But there is a hope that cannot be taken away. Hope in knowing our biggest problem (the cancer of our heart-sin) has been defeated. There is hope waiting for those who believe, in a place where there is no more pain, no more tears, only Christ...only Joy...only Peace.

So as I pray for my friends, I'll pray for me too. I pray that I would not loose sight of what matters most. Please join me in fighting for those who cannot carry this burden alone. Place them at Christ's feet. He has mercy to help in our time of need.

Rough Day

Yesterday...wow what an emotional day. I had an appointment with a Lactation Consultant to see what was going on with Inara because she did seem to be making any progress. She was running a little behind, but it wasn't a big deal because Inara sleep great in her car seat. But once we woke her up, she was READY to eat! The LC saw what was going on and had a few suggestions and wanted me to try a 2 products. But Inara was screaming and just so unhappy about trying to nurse at that time. The LC was really upset I "fell through the cracks". She said she was impressed I have been trying as long as I had, since I haven't had much success. She said I should try to come back a few times and she would help me. I was excited.

Then I went to check out and it was $60! I didn't even think about her charging me for her services ($60/hr). The LC at CCHMC was free! So by the time I got to the car I was a wreck! All the little stuff is just so quickly adding up. I was upset it was so expensive and then upset that I cared more about the money than helping Inara learn the skill of breastfeeding. And to top it off, she told me different things than the other 2 LC I have met with. It just seems I am getting so much different advice. And to top it off, how I had been nursing her for about a month was completely wrong! I have been trying SO hard to get her to nurse and it was for nothing because it was the wrong technique! I was so upset. It is just emotionally exhausting to keep trying, and then to learn all my hard work was for nothing. I just lost it. I called Justin in tears. The roads were getting bad and he wanted to talk when I got home, so I wasn't cying and driving on slick roads. He is the best hubby ever :)

On my way home I got rear ended. It was HORRIBLE. As soon as we got hit Inara started screaming and I started crying again. I was so scared she was hurt! Luckily she was only scared and no injuries, but I was terrified. Plus on top of my emotional day, it wouldn't' have taken much to make me cry at that point. The guy who hit me didn't wanna call the police because he said he was driving on a suspended license. A cop saw my car and pulled up and the guy and his mother started their lying about the wreck. The cop filled out the report and I drove my car to my parents house. My car is BAD. My Dad thinks it is probably totaled. We aren't sure if the other persons insurance will pay since he wasn't a licensed driving. We also have to buy a new car seat because of the wreck. UGH!

I am SO thankful beyond belief that we were both alright. As my Dad has always said (and said today too) "Cars are replaceable, you aren't". My parents are so great. They have already offered to buy a new car seat for us. I know everything will be taken care of, it was just a really stressful day. And all this expenses are on top of the ever increasing medical bills. But thinking about the debt we are racking up for ourselves is such a great reminder of the debt Jesus paid on the cross. My BIGGEST debt was paid when He died for my sins! What a beautiful and great reminder in this season! Justin and I had previously had a VERY LONG season of financial blessing. It seems that season is over, but I am thankful the season of God's eternal blessing never ends! God is good/faithful/true at all times. The following song is so amazing. I am thankful for the truth it reminds me.

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

So quiet my restless heart, quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You

Words and Music by Mark Altrogge.
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI). Sovereign Grace Music, a division of Sovereign Grace Ministries.