A Birthday Letter

Inara, I simply cannot believe 5 years have past since you were born into this world so abruptly. I couldn't have hoped things would have turned out as well as they did! But God had different plans.

I used to tell Mamaw I was never having kids because they ruin your life. And Baby, I couldn't have been farther from the truth. The ONLY thing that you have done has been making my life richer. I know when you read this when you are older, you will roll your eyes. And I totally get that. That was me! But one day, when you have children, then you will finally understand how much I love you. You try to tell me that you love me more, and my answer is always "Impossible."

Inara means "Heaven sent", and we prayed you would be a blessing to those you met. But honestly, I never thought I would be the biggest benefactor! You are so sweet and giving. You give away your toys to anyone. Seriously, nearly every friend who comes to visit, leaves with something. It's so sweet to see your generous spirit. You really are just too sweet. Tonight after some cake and ice cream with Mamaw and Papaw, you said "I just don't think a birthday could get any better." 

You are such a good big sister. You always look out for Shepherd. Just the other day I heard you say "Come here, buddy. Let me wipe your nose." And that's just what you did. You can make him laugh and he often will says "Sister. Sister." But by far the sweetest thing is when you help me put him to bed. We rock in the chair together as you help me sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and he always asks for another kiss from us both once he's in his crib.

You are so fun and so very smart. Too smart sometimes. Dad and I can't really spell things around you anymore, because you figure them out. You like to learn about really anything. You tell me you want to be a veterinarian, and I believe you! When the World Cup was on, you learned a lot about other countries, and you still remember those things too. It's fun to see how your brain works. Since you are so smart, you make some good jokes too.

Just recently you have become quite the artist. You went from scribbles to really good drawings in the matter of about 3 or 4 weeks. It's fun to see you use your imagination and nearly everything you color is rainbow colors.

Baby, you are just the best. Momma loves you so much. And we always talk about who loves you the most. You know the answer is God, and I'm praying for that knowledge to make its way to your heart. Its interesting though. It seems the harder time I have parenting and just screwing up, the softer your heart becomes for things of the Lord. So if it takes years and years of me coming and asking for forgiveness, and just being a total parental mess for you to run to Jesus..I'll gladly do it. I see so many wonderful things you could do for the Lord when you are older. But why wait, you really are doing so many wonderful things now! You are such a sweet and precious gift to me from God. I pray I'll hold you loosely, while also wrapping you in my arms. Inara Sarai Duke, you will always be my baby :)

Big girl

Dear Inara,

Something happened over these past 2 weeks, I blinked and you are no longer a little kid or a toddler...you are a big kid. It may be that you got your first pair of real shoes. Up until this point you only had crocs or sandals. You picked them out yourself. They are pink sequined with a glittery Hello Kitty on them. Or maybe it was that you picked out your own clothes this week too. So I saw a glimpse of the super girlie girl inside. All bright colors, pinks, purples, blues. Fluffy skirts with tights and sparkles or sequins on EVERYTHING. Maybe it's how you've been acting. So helpful, super sweet, unbelievably caring. Sure you're still a little stinker at times but those instances are few and far between. You're just so...big. You love Shepherd fiercely, and never get jealous. You are so well spoken and do a great job of just being honest. "Nice cowgirl boots, mom!" Will forever be in my mind when I put on my boots.

On a super long trip to Florida to see Mimi and PapPap you were amazing! I was hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. You barely slept, but we're such a trooper! You watched like 7 movies, didn't complain, and tried really hard to be considerate of your sleeping sick brother. On 4 hours a sleep you were still pleasant (mostly) and had a great first day of our vacation.

I really just can't believe how big you are and how fast you're growing up. This is a really fun and sweet time with you. You love to snuggle up with me and Dad. You are definitely a Daddy's girl, but still like me too:) So that's fun. It's so awesome to see you and Dad together. He gets you laughing super hard like only a few people can.

I love you so much. One day, I pray you'll be able to experience thee wonderful mysterious love of a mother.

Oh sweet girl

Dear sweet baby girl. I should be going straight to bed, tonight was a night, I don't want to forget.  Nothing spectacular happened. Just living life together.  The evening didn't start too well. I picked you up from Mawmaw's and Pawpaw's and from the moment I walked in the door, you started whining.  But it was really cool to see you choose obedience and making a wise choice when it obviously wasn't what you wanted.  We came home, read some of the Jesus Storybook Bible.  Your brother didn't go to sleep very well, and I ended up needing to feed him before I put you to bed. You looked up at me and said "But Mom, I need attention sometimes too". It was sweet and honest. You weren't jealous and didn't whine, you just wanted me to know how you felt. I am so glad you told me.

I explained that after I fed him, you would get my attention.  You watched Team Umizoomi while I fed him in his room.  I came out and was ready to speed through bedtime stuff since it was getting late and I have to work early in the morning.  But God helped me to slow down and give you my full attention.  We talked about our upcoming trip to Pennsylvania while you ate some Vanilla ice cream and crackers.

We moved into the bathroom where you peed, brushed your teeth, and washed your hands all by your self.  I watched in awe, not believing that you could possibly have been my baby girl who was so tiny and fit perfectly on my chest.

Into your room we went, where it was jammies, songs, and good-nights.  You picked your cat footie jammies that are 2 sizes too small but you love them so we keep squeezing you into them.  I layed you down and prayed.  I said "I love you so much baby". Then you asked what I love you and Dad more than.  This is because recently you have started saying "I love you more than ice cream".  We usually sings ABC's twice, but tonight you wanted "Come thou Fount" and "Jesus Messiah".  I wanted to say "No, those are too long and its already way past bedtime".  But its like I am just realizing how short these days are with you, when you are my little girl and you "love me more than ice cream".

So I agreed to  your request and asked if I could snuggle with you in bed while I sing. "Sure, Mom!" and you made room for me.  I sang the first song, then kind of rolled on my back instead of on my side spooning you.  As I started "Jesus Messiah", you grabbed my arm to pull it around yours. You stroked my arm and held my hand the whole song.  It was all I could do to not burst in tears.  By the grace of God I made it through the song.  You looked up at me and said "I love you, Mom".

It was sweet and it was real.  You love to be loved. And I am so blessed to love you. I pray one day you'll experience this crazy, wonderful, and trying gift that is parenthood.  I pray you'll run to the arms of Jesus for a love that doesn't run dry, will never disappoint, and won't give up on you.  Oh sweet girl, I am blessed to do life with you.

Smarty Pants

Dear Inara,

Girlie, you are one smart cookie.  You question everything and then remember the answer, so you are always learning new things.  You are really interested in God being 3 people (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit). You are always asking how to sign words or asking how to say it in Spanish.  You are super observant too, which even adds more knowledge for you to remember.  When we go a different way to church or the mall, you'll ask "Mom, why are you going this way? This isn't how we get to ____".  Speaking of driving, you are already quite a backseat driver.  You make sure we are strapped in and that both hands are on the steering wheel. :)

I know every parent thinks their kid is smart, but I am sure you have a special quality in your memory.  You seem to have a gift with music too.  You hum the tune to a song you have only heard one time.  We have heard you bang on objects to the beat of the music.  And you often change 1 word of the song to make it silly :)  Dad and you often have dance parties.  He has seen how having music on changes your mood and really brightens your day.

I am super excited to see how God will use all the ways he has gifted you.  I hope you'll never stop questioning about Heaven, Jesus, and this wonderful world he has created.  I pray you will always remember what makes you beautiful is not the dresses you wear, but rather how your beauty can shine from inside.  I hope you will be able to observe your Daddy and I try hard to love Jesus and how we respond when we fail.

Baby girl.  I know you will continue to roll your eyes when I call you my "baby". One day when you have kiddos of your own, you will finally understand how you will always be my baby. Today we made a deal and I intend to hold you to your side.  We agreed I would still hold you when you get older :)  I love you so much.  Your genuine concern for others is so encouraging and beautiful.  I am so blessed to be your mommy.

Baby boy

Brother! I have debated on whether or not to write you letters just like your sister.  I figure most dudes when they grow up probably don't care about mushy letters their momma's wrote. But I figure, your future wifey might like to know how you were as a kiddo.  And if all else fails, these will be nice for me to have too :)  So here it goes.

Baby boy, goodness gracious!  I worried about not loving my second kid as much as my first, but this is sooooo far from the truth!  I can't put into words the joy your big smiles gives me.  My heart is so full of love from you, and all you do is eat, sleep, poop, and smile.  You are just so sweet... for real. You smile at everyone, and I just can't stop kissing your chubby cheeks and neck.

From the moment they placed you in my arms, I loved you instantly.  That love has gotten so much stronger over the past 4 months.  Its hard to fathom, how as you grow up, somehow I will love you more.  The only way I know this is true, is because I love your sister more and more each day.  Speaking of your sister, she loves you so much.  And it really seems like you do too.  You already know her voice, she can calm you down even when we can't, and she loves to take care of you.  I really pray your relationship continues to be as loving and sweet as it is now.

I can't believe you are so big already, and even though I will be so sad when you don't want to cuddle with me any more...I really can't wait to see your big grin when we are able to tell you about Jesus.  Brother, he loves you so much.  I pray you'll cling to him, how you cling to me now.  Gosh, I really love you so much.  Your smile melts my heart and your cries break my heart.  Can't wait to see the man God will make you into.

Dear Inara

Dear sweet big-sister Inara,

Where do I start on how sweet you are? I guess I'll start with how it is so wonderful and a huge blessing to see you love you new baby brother so much. You are such a little momma. You always want to check on him, shower him with kisses, and help with everything. You really love to help with his baths and diaper changes.  The way you genuinely care for him is so sweet to watch. You have asked a few times if we get to keep him forever and you always make sure he gets to come along with us.

Not only do you love your baby brother, but the way you care for others is so amazing.  You ask Dad how his day at work was, how Pawpaw if feeling, and you even ask us if we like our food when we eat together. Its so sweet to have you climb up on my lap and snuggle.  You and Dad have become quite close over the past few months.  He love you so much Inara. I hope you see our love for you as a small model of the way Jesus loves you.

You are learning so much about God and Jesus. Its super fun to teach you things and you remember them so well.  Its been amazing to see you use God's word to not be scared of a storm, a bad dream, and even to correct me sometimes.

Speaking of correcting...oh girlie we think you might be a little lawyer when you grow up. You constantly challenge/argue with us. MOST of the time it isn't in a disobedient way, but rather you are finding "evidence" to "prove your case".  I pray God will mold this trait of yours into a woman who can stand up for the truth and for those who can't stand up for themselves.

Sweet baby girl, I am so thankful God has let me be your mommy. I can't wait to see how your sweet disposition, tender heart, and sense of order/rightness come together as you get old.

I love you so much,
Mom

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my sweet smart 3 year old! I seriously cannot believe you are 3. In some ways it seems like you have just joined our family and in other ways I can't remember our life without you.  You have become so independent lately.  We bought you a little plastic stool and you move it all over the house so you can turn off lights, help with laundry, help cook, and help do dishes.  You really are super thoughtful.  You offer to share your food with us often which is a nice gesture since other times you "want all my toys to my self".  You already love your little brother so much and its super fun to see how you have already made him a part of the Duke family.  You include him in pictures and pretending. You often talk about how when he comes out of my belly you will teach him all kinds of things.

You are very friendly and outgoing. Its fun to be around you when you are around other people.  Oh Inara! I can't imagine my life without you. Even when we have rough days together (like today), I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I love how inquisitive you are and how everything is so exciting to you.  This week I showed you how God answered your prayers on 2 separate occasions  At first you didn't seem to really care, but then when you realized what happened you gasped in awe. I hope you never loose this excitement for life and what God is doing in it.  I am so excited for what this next year will bring you!

First time I held you! A few days after you were born

Happy 1st Birthday!

Loving the beach around your 2nd birthday!

You are THREE!

Dear Inara

Dear Inara,

You are seriously growing up so fast! In the past few weeks you have become such a big girl. It is really fun to see you become more independent. You can undress and dress yourself with just a little help, you are playing pretend more like a big kid, and even starting to be potty trained.

You are also becoming quite the Daddy's girl. You now prefer him to do most things with you. Its really sweet.  Last week I asked you if you were my baby and you said "No, I'm Daddy's baby".  It doesn't make me sad at all. I am so thankful that you have a Dad who cares so much for you. You might think that is something to take for granted, but I pray you don't. We both are so blessed to have such an awesome mad loving and leading our family.

You are also such a sweetie. You have such a tender heart when it comes to others needs, its really sweet.  The other day you fell and hit your head pretty bad. Apparently you were really concerned about Dad. He told you it made him sad to see you cry and hurt and you kept asking him "are you feeling better?".  And when I was feeling sick in the beginning of this pregnancy you would be very sweet to me and ask "Are you feeling ok, mom?".  If any one goes to the doctor or even the dentist you are very quick to tell them how proud you are of them. Its really sweet.  I can't wait to see how you love on your little brother or sister.

We just recently started reading from you Bible every night while you eat a snack before bedtime. You really like this and if we forget you always ask us to read you a story. Sometimes its amazing how much you remember about what we read.  I pray you will not just remember the stories and give "right answers" but be changed by the Truth.

Baby girl, I love you so much. I think I tell you a million times a day and cover you with kisses and hugs.  I am excited for the person God is allowing you to become. I can't wait to see the big girl and woman you will become. You truly are my "heaven sent princess"!

Growing up

Dear Inara,

Oh my! You are growing up so fast.  I love how smart you are and how you are so inquisitive you are.  You have definitely reached the "why?" stage and are constantly asking questions. Sometimes it does get frustrating, but mostly it is super fun to teach you. Plus some of your questions are actually really deep and contemplative.  When you disobey you sometimes ask "Why do I disobey?". It is such a wonderful opportunity to teach you about your sin and most importantly about how wonderful Christ is. I pray you never stop asking questions. That you continue to want to grow in knowledge and it would lead to a broken heart as you can grieve over you sin and then rejoice at the cross.

Every once in a while, I realize you are not my little baby.  But honestly because you are so small, I forget how big you really are, and you will always be my baby no matter how big you are.  I know one day you will read that sentence and roll your eyes, but then Lord willing, you will have kiddos of your own and then finally understand the love we have for you.

You want to snuggle more than you use to and we don't mind one bit!  You are super fun and seriously so smart. We just started a swim class with you and you really love it. You get so sad when we leave even though some parts of the class kind of scare you (like going underwater and floating on your back).  You continue to be super friendly and outgoing and whenever we are out in public you are ALWAYS asking people their names.  I watch other people watch you, and you seriously bring a smile to strangers faces.  Oh, and you ALWAYS sing...always. You sing what you are doing, are constantly humming "Ariel's song", and love to listen to music.  Its a really fun quality you have :)

Inara, I love you so much. One day you might understand that love. But until then...I'll soak up all the kisses and hugs I can :)

Broken heart

Dear Inara, today is the first (and I'm sure not the last), you broke my heart. I am writing you this letter now with a sad heart, so one day when you are older you will remember that love is a choice...we choose to love you, even when it is hard. Please know that when you have your own kids, Lord willing.  They will break your heart too, it will hurt a lot, but you can choose to continue loving them.  I will choose to love you even though its hard and it hurts, because God has let us borrow you for a little while and He has asked us to love you and care for you.  You see, God's love is constant, perfect, and never changing.  Even when we sin against God, his love is always there through Jesus. He is the example of the perfect parent, and we want to be parents that glorify God and show you how great He is. I love you, Inara. I will ALWAYS love you.

Happy Birthday Letter

Exactly 2 years ago at this very moment my beautiful, miracle, 3lb baby girl was born. My life has never been the same...

Dear baby girl! I know you are 2 years old now, but you are still my baby girl. One day you will understand what I mean when you have a kiddo of your own. This past year has been so fun with you. You have learned to walk, talk, and even pray :)

You talk so much! You repeat everything we say and people often are saying how you are so tiny, but talk so much. I know every parent is proud of their kid, but seriously...you rock :) You learn so quickly and remember things instantly. The other day you remember my favorite song, and you have learned to unlock Dad's ipad after only seeing it done once! This quality makes teaching you about Jesus really fun! We have been going through the story of creation together and you are learning the story well! You color while we both listen to the story of creation from an audio bible. Its amazing to hear you say "good" when referring to what God created. I pray you will grow up learning that God is good and everything he does is good too.

You are also definitely asserting your will and needing more discipline, correction, and training. Some days its hard and I feel exhausted but I always try to remind you that even though you sin and need discipline (sometimes lots of it) God still loves you and so do Mommy and Daddy. And ya know what....you are learning! Its amazing to see you reach for something you can't have, stop with your hand hovering over it, then exercise self-control and obey! What a joy to see the fruits of doing things God's way :) I pray you will continue to learn that life is sweeter and full of much joy when you submit and obey the Lord.

While you do need discipline from time to time, you are very much a rule follower. We try to break the rules every once in a while with you, but you don't want to! We try to have a snack on the couch and watch a show, but you insist on sitting in your highchair. The baby gate MUST be closed at all times, and everything has to be in its place. We joke that you are our little ocd kiddo :) While I am thankful you like to clean up, I do pray you will learn that being "good" is never good enough. That you can't earn your way to heaven by following the rules, and your ONLY hope is found on the Cross.

You are so fun too. Its sweet to see you take care of your friend Marley without even being asked. When we play you often make sure she has a toy too. And If we are eating, you will share your own food with your friend. You get concerned when she is sad, and have even tell her "no, no Marley Kate" when she touches something she isn't allowed to. I am trying to show you how to tell her "no" but still be loving and kind. I pray your friendship with her grows and you will have an amazing relationship with her as you grow up.  As you get older, when you see her sinning you will love her enough to still say "no, no Marley Kate". And I pray she will do the same for you.

I can't believe you are 2! My life has so much joy and God is teaching me so much about myself and His goodness through you. Its so amazing to be your mommy and I seriously feel so blessed I get to spend the rest of my life (Lord willing) loving and teaching you!

Keep going!

Sweet Inara, you are so big lately. I keep thinking "this can't possibly be my little baby". And the truth is I am right! You are not a little baby anymore. You are so big. I know every mom probably thinks there kid is great...but you REALLY are. You are so smart too, which can sometimes get you in trouble. 

One quality of yours that I love and hope continues but also matures is that you do not do things because others simply want you too. Today you climbed on my lap to snuggle while watching Baby Einstein (or as you say "sheep, baby, cow". You laid your head down, so I put my arms around you. But you weren't feeling it. You said "no' and took my hand off your leg. While I was sad because I love you so much and sometimes can't help it, I was so impressed too! You aren't a people pleaser :) There are lots of times too when others want you play with them or give you a hug or a kiss, but you say "no". Don't get me wrong...you are SUPER friendly, say "hi" to everyone, and love to give Pawpaw and Dada kisses...BUT you like to do it when YOU like to do it.

I pray this quality of yours will grow! I hope you aim to only please the LORD and in turn will not be a perfectionist, people pleaser, or get pushed into doing things you don't want to do.  I also pray this quality will mature too :) While I LOVE that you don't do things you don't want to, I don't love when you disobey mom and dad because you don't want to clean up your toys or go inside. Just like everything about you, I pray God grows you to be a woman who loves, pursues, and does the things God would want of you :)

My sweet, sweet Inara. There are no words to describe how my love for you increases with each day. Each hug is sweeter, each smile brighter, and even when you disobey I love you more. I pray one day you can experience the love of our Savior in a brand new way through being a parent.

Growing up

Sweet Baby Girl, I say baby but more and more you are growing up so fast and aren't a baby. It makes me sad sometimes, but mostly I am so excited for the little person you are becoming. You are still so sweet and light up a room. You are so friendly to others. But now you are learning how to assert your will. You have figured out that crying gets you more attention than whining and are learning how to throw temper tantrums.  You have a few outbursts a day, and we are working with you to learn to behave kindly and not to yell and us when you get mad. Sometimes though, I must admit...its pretty funny...sometimes :) It seems out of no where you just throw yourself on the ground and become a "limp noodle". And there have been times I don't even know why you are so mad. That being said I still LOVE being your mom. I try to tell you after you are disciplined that we love you and that is WHY we discipline you. I hope you will grow up and understand that principle and biblical truth.

Today I had your last developmental assessment at Good Samaritan Hospital and you passed with flying colors! You actually scored high for your age in speech. I didn't think you had any difficulty because you are ALWAYS talking and repeating all the things we say. I pray that this quality goes hand in hand with the rest of your personality. That as you grow you will continue to be kind and friendly towards others as you share with them what the LORD has done in your life.

I love you so much and can't imagine my world without you in it!

Friendliest baby on the block

Dear sweet Inara,

You are growing up so quick! It is so fun to watch you grow up. You are not a little baby anymore, you are a kid. It seems this has happened over night. You stopped saying "mama" and now I am just "mom". You are also the friendliest baby I have ever met...and I love it! You are ALWAYS saying hi to people and waving at strangers in public. It does seem you bring a smile to everyone you meet.

Recently we were at a fundraiser for a friend and you were welcoming people into a school you had never even been in with your infectious smile and telling them "hi". Tonight at dinner you waved to everyone there. People can't help but wave and smile back. I pray this quality of yours grows stronger. That you will be welcoming broken people into your life to show them the love of Christ. You truly are "heaven sent" into our lives and the lives of so many. Sometimes I wonder if I can love you any more, but the next day comes and I am filled with even more love for you. You are my precious miracle and I can't imagine my life without you in it!

Sweet baby girl

Trying to get to your BFF Marley

I love watching you interact with other people. You are so friendly to others and many have told us you bring them such joy. What an answered prayer! We prayed before you were born to be a blessing in people's life and already you are being a huge blessing. You love other people and especially love babies. It is so sweet to see you get excited about other babies and wanting to touch and kiss them. You  really are a sweet girl...and so independent too! You always want to do things by your self. Hold you bottle, feed your self, even play! You are a great combination of being independent but still friendly- the perfect match!

Right now my favorite time with you is in the mornings. We wake up, drink your bottle, and watch the Today Show. Its such a sweet time. We just snuggle on the couch tucked in our blanket and lay there for a while. Even when you are done with your bottle, you just lay there with me. It is so precious, and I honestly get sad about you not drinking a bottle in the morning.

You are so smart too! Constantly learning things. Today you even remembered what a crab looks like even though I showed you that about a week ago. I am amazed at how fast God is growing you. You repeat so much of what we say. Maw-Maw and Pop-Pop said they even heard you say "amen" after praying one night.  We say our prayers at night in your room (another favorite time), and it is wonderful. As soon as the lights are out, you know its bed time. I give you your giraffe (favorite animal) and you lay your head down on my shoulder. Oh, how I love to cuddle you. 

Every couple months I think "wow, this is so fun being her Mom" and I wonder how the next months could get better. But somehow they do. You are truly "Heaven Sent" into our family and into the lives around you. At such a young age you are already bringing much joy into people's lives. Our prayer is this is a quality God continues to grow in you! Love you baby!

Letter to my Daughter

Sweet baby girl! You are one year old today. What an amazing year it has been....one of the best of my life! This year has been sad, crazy, exciting, and always full of joy. Even when I could not hold you, I was so joyful God had blessed us with you. You are super funny these days. You laugh when others laugh (even though you don't understand why), you make silly faces, and you love to dance with Dad when he comes home from work. You are learning so much every day. Your Aunt Katie taught you how to sign "more" this week and you caught on SO FAST! It is amazing to me how fast you learn! Some days I just sit and stare at you and wonder how this happened? How can I love you so much? I kiss you all day long, and already I see you are annoyed by it. I think you will have to get use to that, because I just love you so much, I can't help but shower you with kisses.

You are really friendly to others, a quality I hope continues to grow in you. You are our "Heaven sent Princess" and I pray you will grow up learning you ARE a princess. Not a frilly girlie kind...a REAL kind. You are a precious daughter of our King Jesus, an heir in him.  And He loves you so very much....way more than Dad and I do. I can't wait to see how this next year with you is!