How hormones seek to ruin my life

A bit dramatic?  Well that's how I feel people.  I try to joke around, but that's the truth.  These past 2 weeks have been ROUGH.  The hormonal mood swings I have had are craziness.  It nice they are so dramatic because its comforting to know its hormonal and not me losing my mind.  I think to make matters worse (much, much worse) is I have some pretty nasty things going on in my heart these days.  If you read my post on my Summer Reading List then you can see a glimpse of what I am struggling with.

I started reading "Life Together" because I feel so alone and isolated.  I started re-reading "Excellent Wife" because I feel like I am failing miserably at helping in any way.  Same thing with parenting.  My patience is running out (because I am trying to parent on my own strength) so I picked up "Give Them Grace" for some "pointers" on how to do this whole parenting thing without totally messing Inara up for life.  Baby #2 has taken a toll on my body and honestly...it matters to me how  lok. I am struggling with this new body I have.  So I picked up "Authentic Beauty" to help guide me in the right direction.  The veil has been lifted and God is showing me the depths of sin in my heart in this area.  I am seeing not only am I judging myself based on appearance, but I unfortunately am doing the same with other people.  I picked up "Baby Led Weaning" because I was interested in this way of introducing solids to your baby.  And I picked "Meet Jesus" a little bible study because I am aware that He is the only way to change any of the above issues I am having.


I would love to tell you I have worked out all these issues and now I am great.  I am a helpful wife, loving mom, and great friend.  But right now I'm just a mess. A hormonal, crying, lost mess.  I'm looking forward to my day alone with God on tomorrow to start the process of letting God fix my heart. 

*In full disclosure, I wrote this Saturday when I was feeling particularly hormonal. Today I'm much better and haven't cried in THREE DAYS! :) I'm still very much looking forward to my day with Jesus tomorrow.

Finding Grace in the Laundry Room

So if anyone has been paying attention to my Facebook posts, its probably no secret that I am not doing super great.  These hormones of mine are giving me a run for my money. Add that to the fact that we still are figuring out our new schedules, and well lets just say there have been many a tears shed from my eyes.  I haven't posted much "deep" or real stuff happening in my life because honestly I just didn't feel like people wanted to hear about how I'm not doing so great.  Sure, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but I am just not there.  I guess I just figured people wanted some post with some encouraging ending instead of just "Guys, this is hard. I'm trying. I'm failing. I'm sad".

I have plans next week to spend a whole day hashing some things out with God.  Thanks to my hubs and bestie for arranging a kid free day. I plan on going to Potter's Ranch where I can ugly cry out to God all.day.long.  You think I'm kidding? Nope.  I have some major heart issues that need to be tended to.  More on those later.  But today something wonderful really did happen.  God met me as I hid away in the laundry room to cry. I know right?

Inara has been arguing and complaining and whining all.the.time.  Recently it has also come to my attention that I thought my love language was physical touch. I have been shown that is not the case by parenting a child who is always wanting to be near me, on me, or touching me to some capacity.  I was trying to make my grocery list and she kept climbing all over me, stretching a leg across me, laying on my arm (the same arm I was trying to write with).  I kept trying to tell myself "Ok, just breathe. This is a blessing.  She won't be little for long. In 10 years, I'll long for this time where she just wants to be near me". But I'll be honest...that didn't do squat.  I knew I should be thankful and appreciative, and all ooey gooey for her...but I just wasn't. I simply couldn't make myself feel that way.  Instead I sat there, so annoyed that she just wouldn't leave me alone for like 5 seconds.  (I'm telling you, I should probably get mother of the year award right?).  Finally I was done with my list and as I prepared for our trip, it was one more round of complaining/arguing.  I just ran to the laundry room shut the door, and lost it.  "God! Why can't she just obey the first time?  Why does she have to argue with EVERYTHING I ask her to do.  I just want her to say 'Yes, Mom' and do it!".

Immediately the Holy Spirit convicted me.  "Why do you think you deserve her to obey the first time or that you deserve a happy kid? Do you really know what you deserve".  I cried out to God and was thankful that what I do deserve (death, hell, eternal pain/suffering) I don't get, but rather he gives me what I DON'T deserve. He gives Himself, grace, mercy, patience, perfect peace.  I feel like I haven't had a really significant amount of time to sit down and hash stuff out in my heart with God. But God chased me into the laundry room to be with me.  I didn't have to get my heart right first, or pray a super holy prayer, or do anything. It was just him coming after me, disciplining me because He loves me, because I am his. And it was pretty awful/awesome.

Then Inara came in asked me about 20 questions about why I was crying and ran to get me a paper towel to wipe away my tears :)

It was JUST what I needed and JUST in time.  I was really wondering how I was going to make it through the grocery with 2 kids without yelling and screaming.  But God showed up, gave me just enough grace for that moment.  It like "duh". Why don't I run to the laundry room all day long when I just need 2 minutes with my savior.  I guess I still don't get it.  I don't get that I don't have to do anything to be with God, except to show up.  We made it through the store with no kid meltdowns (or mom meltdowns either).

Please know I love Inara so much.  The problems I had with her today (and lately) were because a) she is a toddler and b) I am a sinner.  I try really hard not to bash her in this space. She was behaving like any toddler does, and I was the one behaving inappropriately.  Thank God there is grace for that!

The truth I needed to hear

Thankful for the letters I wrote to my future self about breastfeeding. So incredibly blessed to have God’s truth to cling to as I sat and "ugly cried" in the pump room at work. Today will probably be the last time I get to/have to pump at work.  Thankful for a husband and friend who are reminding me it is ok to be sad, even really sad that I am almost done nursing Shepherd. They are not blowing off how I feel or dismissing it.  I'm being reminded that this crazy stage of hormones will pass and I'll have my right mind back.  But in the mean time, God's truth is to be clung to.


You can read my letters here and here.

Psalm 62

My soul finds rest in God alone, My Rock and my salvation,

A fortress strong against my foes, And I will not be shaken.

Though lips may bless and hearts may curse, And lies like arrows pierce me,

I’ll fix my heart on righteousness, I’ll look to Him who hears me.

O praise Him, hallelujah, My Delight and my Reward;

Everlasting, never failing, My Redeemer, my God.

Find rest, my soul, in God alone

Amid the world’s temptations;

When evil seeks to take a hold

I’ll cling to my salvation.

Though riches come and riches go,

Don’t set your heart upon them;

The fields of hope in which I sow

Are harvested in heaven.

I’ll set my gaze on God alone,

And trust in Him completely;

With every day pour out my soul,

And He will prove His mercy.

Though life is but a fleeting breath,

A sigh too brief to measure,

My King has crushed the curse of death

And I am His forever.