Being Depressed

Well if that isn't the most exciting title, I don't know what is?!  Just kidding. I've been away from my blog for a while. 1) Its really hard to keep up with these days. Who knew having a second kid would add so much more work. 2) I feel like I've not had really anything great to write. Then tonight Justin encouraged me to blog about how I've been depressed lately.  So I'm submitting to him, and here we are.

Anyways, about a month ago, something changed. It wasn't a specific thing that happened, but I noticed all the joy in my life was gone.  I wanted to sleep all day, I wasn't eating, and I wanted to sleep some more. I've always wanted to stay home with my kids, but found my self longing for work days, counting down the hours until Justin would be home with me, and looking for ways to leave the house. I didn't want to do anything. Go out. See people. Cook. Eat. Clean. All I wanted was sleep.

One day I was in the kitchen and just burst into tears because I had to do the dishes.  Seriously folks, I'm a pretty stellar human being :)  I found my self CRYING OVER THE DISHES.  I thought, that surely there was something more important, more Godly, with more eternal significance, than doing dishes, changing diapers, cooking food.  I would think about my day at work, how I SAW what I did, and how it mattered. I could see how bringing coffee to a tired mom, made a difference.  How praying for a friend and sending an encouraging text meant something. But, this? Snotty noses, dirty counters, and laundry? What was I doing? Did it matter? Add some "mommy guilt" and I was feeling top notch.  

I thought, "Oh my gosh. Why am I thinking these things? Something is wrong, this isn't me. I love my kids and being at home." And I was right. Something was wrong, but that IS me. That IS who I am without Christ. Depressed. Unmotivated. Angry. Impatient. Unkind. Unloving. Selfish. I was being me. I was ignoring my Savior. And without the love of Christ overflowing in me. There is nothing good in my heart. I'll say it again, because its true. There is nothing good in me. Everything that is good and loving and kind and sweet, is from the Lord. So when I lose sight of who He is, and what He's done for me...my heart is cold and dark and lonely.

By God's grace I confessed my sin, was forgiven, repented and started just doing the next thing.  There still wasn't joy, but I was getting up and moving. Going outside with the kids. Cleaning the 10 cup of the day (Seriously, how do 2 tiny humans use so many cups?!). Meal planning. Reading a book. Playing and interacting.

And you know what else? Without Christ as my focus, life IS depressing. Without working for him, doing the dishes AGAIN is infuriating and insulting. Honoring Christ MUST be my focus, because Shepherd's never going to say "Wow, mom. I'm sorry I smacked you 5 times before 10am today. You look like you need a rest. Go have a nap". When my focus is on the things of this world, my outlook is bleak. BUT, when (by God's grace) I can see past the snot, to the tiny hurting heart that needs a Savior just as much as I do, that is where the work and joy is. Doing the dishes all day long, because I'm loving "the least of these" and therefor loving Jesus.

My sweet, sweet friend Katie gave me these two small prints that fit perfectly by my sink, which is where I spend a lot of my day. It was (and still is) a great reminder that my work matters.  It matters because its been given to me from a loving, perfect, and holy God.

I'd love to say that it's all rainbows and unicorns over here. But I'm still fighting. But. I'm fighting.  I'm choosing to trust God with what he's given me and to obey his calling on my life. It has gotten better. Last week the kids were sick and I was so sad I had to go to work.  But then I was happy, that I was sad. Because that meant I wanted to be home. That meant God was working in my heart.

Playing with the kids has actually been fun, instead of a chore. Wrestling when I'm sleepy didn't make me angry yesterday, it gave me energy. God is good. Being a Mom, is by far the most selfless and hardest thing I've ever, ever, EVER done. But it's also showed me so much about my dark, dirty, heart, and the sweet loving, tenderness of my Savior and my Heavenly Dad.