Saturday, August 20, 2011

What Sarah Said

*Warning long post ahead*

I recently heard this song again in my car. It brought back memories of when my Dad almost died. About  4 years my Dad got diagnosed with lung cancer.  He had surgery to remove his lung and then started chemo a few months later.  That's when he got really sick from the chemo but also when all the side effects nearly killed him.

I'll spare you all the details but he went from having chest pain in the ER to being on deaths door step in the ICU pretty quickly. I was working at the hospital at the time and I literally spent every waking hour at the hospital. If I wasn't working I was with my Dad.  One night they told us he was getting very worse and if he would likely not make it a few more days. At the time I felt like I had to be strong for my family because I was a nurse and needed to answer all the medical questions. They didn't make me feel that way, but I did anyway.

One night I was alone with my Dad in the ICU and he was intubated (which I have determined is the worst way to see a loved one). I held his puffy hand and cried the first (and only) time he was sick. It was so hard. I knew this wasn't the way life was suppose to be.  Selfishly I wanted him to keep fighting and stay with us.  I was too young to bury my father. But as I held his hand alone in the ICU and cried, I told him he could stop fighting. He could go to a place where there is no more pain, tears, sickness and only smiles, joy, and worship of our Heavenly Father.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

The very next day after the doctors told us he wouldn't make it much longer...something changed. His temperature came up a little. Then a few hours later his blood pressure wasn't so low. Slowly but surely he was turning around and getting better. Both of his treating physicians said they had no idea why he was doing so better because it was nothing they did. But I knew. It was something the Great Physician was doing.

I think I have grieved over his sickness little by little as the years have gone by. It was too hard to deal with it at the time. Well hearing that song helps me to grieve and rejoice. I know it sound strange because by all means that song VERY depressing. But it SO wraps up how it was when he was sick, it WAS depressing.  But remembering also causes me to rejoice in my God who is so powerful to rescue my Dad, not just here on earth, but eternally too.

I don't want to forget about how hard, exhausted, and depressing that time was because then I remember how good, merciful, and mighty my God is.  I talked about something similar in a post last year around Inara's birthday, which is pefectly worded in Lamentations

Lamentations 3:19-24
The thought of my suffering and homelessness
      is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
      as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
      when I remember this:
  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
     His mercies never cease.
  Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
  I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”
How true these verses are. God showed his mercy to SO many people during this time, including my parents.  There are so many little ways that God has redeemed my Dad's Cancer in my Dad, too many to count in fact.  So many ways he showed Himself to be Lord of my parents life and so very powerful.  My parents were hurt even more than I was, but they have said many times, it was worth all the pain they went through (my Dad still going through the physical pain) for how God used it in their lives and the lives of many others.  I am so thankful for a God who is in control and sovereign over all, even sorrow and pain. Which makes me think of this song:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

So VERY thankful for moments like these :)

PS, look how tiny my baby girl is there!

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