Once a month?

So recently I have been feeling sad again. Sad I because of my unexpected delivery and the potential problems is may cause. Let me try to explain a little.

When I was sent home from the hospital I was told that before we try to get pregnant again I need to have a "pre-conception" visit to discuss options. I was told I have about a 30% chance of developing HELLP again and would be likely be considered a high risk OB patient. No big deal at the time because having another baby and being pregnant  was the LAST thing I was thinking of.

But lately I have been reminded of these likely restrictions on pregnancy and risks included. Would it mean being on bedrest? Weekly visits?  It shouldn't matter because even before Inara was born we had talked about having one child and adopting one child. We felt that after I delivered Inara and given what the doctor told us, it was God's way of really solidifying that plan for us. He did the work of making that decision.

It has been hard this week for some reason. I KNOW that even if all the conditions were perfect, we would still chose to adopt. I just feel like the joy of pregnancy was "taken" from me, because of all the risks involved.  I don't feel mad at God, or even like he is the one who "took" it from me. It's hard to explain though. I think this week has been harder for a few reasons.

1. LOTS of people I know are getting pregnant
2. Its my special time of the month

I know reason 2 sounds funny. But it does seem to be having an affect on my brain. It's like I KNOW the truth/reality of our situation, but I don't care. I WANT to know for sure. I WANT to go to this preconception visit and just know. Know what the risks REALLY are. Know if they could tell me what being "high risk" really means. Know for sure its a bad idea. Know for sure it might be ok

But why do I want to know? Is it to be in control and know that I made the decision and not God? Is it to just know either way and be at peace with all the knowledge I have. It is to be comforted by the fact that I CAN have a baby, and am not less of a woman (which I know is totally NOT true). It's just to KNOW. But what is the point? I will FEEL better. But will I? What if they say "not a good idea"? Won't I just feel worse? And what if they say go ahead? Will I be filled with joy? But then joy is found in my circumstances and not in Christ. And that is not true joy, that is a false joy and a false idol. 

I know this all seems crazy but so is my mind right now. Which makes me really think my hormones are clouding my judgement. Because even as I read what I just wrote a few things stand out to me. I WANT to know certain things, but CHRIST satisfies all my needs and desires.  I FEEL that an answer would make me feel better, but CHRIST gives real joy or peace in times of sorrow. I want to KNOW the answer to my question, but what I do KNOW about Christ is His love is better than life. 

As I concluded that last paragraph, I realize I am not sad at all. God's plan for our family has been fairly clear to us since day one. It is a good. He is good. He has given me a wonderful man of God to help talk me through my thoughts without making me feel crazy (which I am pretty sure I am right now), dismissing how I feel, or allowing me to believe lies.  So yes, I am not sad. Maybe a little bummed...maybe. But mostly peaceful, joyful, and thankful.  But I do wonder if once a month my hormones will make it hard for me again? Oh I surely hope not! But if so, hopefully I can come back to this post and remember the truth that set me free. 

And because I feel like I can't post without posting a picture (for some odd reason), I leave you with one of 2 of my  favorite pics of Inara in the hospital. These photos brings me joy, not sadness, not sorrow.

Snuggling with me in REAL baby clothes :)

1st time I saw her beautiful face without any tubes!