I surrender all

A friend from church wrote a beautiful and wonderfully inspiring post. God really used her words to literally break me down (picture me sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom by myself).  I didn't even realize how much I have been holding onto other things instead of clinging to him.

With all the uncertainty of my pregnancy (will I be early? will I be on bedrest? will I miscarry again? will I have a healthy baby? Will I have a preemie again?) I realized was clinging to literally the ONE thing I had control of. I was clinging to that no matter what happened at least I bought short term disability at my work and we could pay bills even if I were on bedrest...well apparently I didn't.

Today has been a rough day. I have been lazy, distant, and just depressed because of a new added uncertainty/inconvenience. But God really showed me I have not surrendered ALL, just all that I wanted to.  How hard this lesson is for me to learn! Essentially today I have been pouting because I haven't gotten my way. What a spoiled wretch I am.  I KNOW that surrendering all is so sweet, but I WANT my life to be easy as I surrender what I want. (Its hard not to laugh/cry at how ridiculous my spoiled heart is.)

Inara walked in as I was sobbing and asked "momma, why are you sad?". It was a good question. Why was I sad? I had to think about it and well, I was sad because I didn't get my way. She didn't wait for me to answer. She came over, hugged me and said "It's ok Mom. I'll wipe away your tears". Where she did indeed proceed to wipe away the MANY tears that I had rolling down my face. I knew God was using my sweet daughter to gently break me. I know that it will be ok, and God is currently and will forever wipe away my tears...but it is hard. The hard part isn't not having short term disability, but REALLY surrendering ALL to him.  It is hard to give up the very last thing I could count on when all else seemed uncertain.

Honestly I just want my life to be easy. I want to be a stay at home mom, who doesn't have to work nights, who has a perfect child/life, and no financial worries.  And like the Psalmist I was crying out to God and being honest. I literally said "Is that too much to ask God, I just want it to be easy". But I know that God gives me so much more that "easy". He gives me "good" and "inexpressible joy"...the God of the universe gives me more than what I want....he gives me what I need and that is a restored relationship with the God who created me. That IS better, but I hate that my flesh says it is not.  And like the Pslamists I could end my heart pouring out session with a "but God".  This is why I need to "preach the Gospel to my self daily". To remind myself that Christ didn't die for me to have a perfect or easy life...but he died for me to have a life where Jesus never stops loving, pursuing, chasing, and perfecting me.  OH! How much better that truly is.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

 - Judson W. Van DeVenter