When is my disaster?

So these past few weeks I think I have been waiting for my disaster to happen, it's not a super great way to live ya know?  I don't think I even realized it until a few Sundays ago sitting in Church.  Nothing profound was spoken from the pulpit and I can't even remember one single song, but I remember distinctly being reminded that I am not in control of my pregnancy, but I can trust in the One who is.

I think because of the way things went down with Inara and then having a miscarriage, I have just been holding my breath during this pregnancy for another disaster.  In the beginning I just kind of tried to ignore the fact that I was pregnant.  Even later I had a hard time coming to terms with my pregnancy because I so didn't want things to happen the way they did before. I did not want a preemie again.  But each time God was there quick to remind me He is in control and I can trust him.

After I reached the 37 week mark, and subsequently changed my mind about having a planned c-section and trying for a VBAC...I have been kind of freaking out.  With the planned c-section I thought I was in control of my situation. I never was, but now with all the new unknowns of delivery it is quite clear I am not in control of when or how Shep comes to meet us.  It was in church a few Sundays ago this became quite clear.  I am to wait on the Lord and HIS perfect timing.  Part of that is hard because with my previous plans I would be holding my baby in my arms...today...the day my c-section was scheduled.

But instead I am waiting. And the thought of waiting brings worry...worry about when this will happen (at work, in the night), worry about how he will come (will I get to have a VBAC? Will I labor then end up with a c-section anyway?), and mostly worry that delivery will bring the disaster I have been waiting for this whole pregnancy and I will have another emergency c-section or stillborn baby.  Its not Godly concern, or excitement....it is straight up sin of me not trusting in my God who has plans for my good.  It is sin of me putting my hope in Shepherd and not in the God who has created me and him both.

Yesterday a friend from facebook posted the following excerpt from Jesus Calling that was exactly what I needed to hear:

Sometimes My Sovereign hand - My control over your life - places you in humbling circumstances. You feel held down, held back, and powerless to change things. You long to break free and feel in control of your life again. Although is an uncomfortable position, it is actually a good place to be. Your discomfort awakens you from the slumber of routine and reminds you I am in charge of your life. It also presents you with an important choice: You can lash out at your circumstances - resenting Me and My ways with you - or you can draw closer to Me. When you are suffering your need for Me is greater than ever. The more you choose to come near Me, affirming your trust in Me, the more you find hope in My unfailing love. You can even learn to be joyful in hope while waiting in My presence - where Joy abounds. Persevere in trusting Me. Cast all your anxiety on Me, knowing that I care for you and am watching over you continually

It was sweet medicine for my soul.  I really wanted to not be powerless and change my plan to have a c-section today so I could feel in control of my life again.  But it was just a lie. "Your discomfort awakens you from the slumber of routine and reminds you I am in charge of your life". *Whining voice- "But I wanna be in control of my life!"  Once again...just a lie.  When I chose to take control, I am discontent, distant, worried, depressed, and generally unhappy...do I really want that? No.

Cast all your anxiety on Me, knowing that I care for you and am watching over you continually- Ok God I am trying and will continue casting my anxiety on you. I know I can't do it perfectly, but its worth the work to try to put my hope and trust in you during these next 2 weeks.  Please Lord, help me to not wait for my disaster, but wait for your perfect timing.  You know every day of Shepherd's life and are worthy of my trust and hope. Amen