Why I chose (at the last minute) to try for a VBAC

*Warning: Long post ahead*

After Inara was born I had some major hormonal issues. This led to me feeling like I was "robbed" of a "normal" birth experience. When I was pregnant with her, I wanted a natural birth, absolutely NO c-section, and to breastfeed for at least at year. When those didn't work out, I felt ripped off kind of.  I was so very happy for friends who had a good experience, but I felt sorry for my self that I didn't. It took a while, but I finally got to the point where I trusted in God's plan and was just happy Inara was here. It didn't matter to me anymore how she arrived, only that she arrived safely.

Fast-forward to this spring.  I find out I am pregnant again. My high-risk doctor says I can try for a VBAC! *Cue angels singing* But then a bunch of little things came into play and I figured I would just go for a planned repeat c-section.

Then a few weeks ago I began toying with the idea again. At first I was still REALLY aprehensive about it and the reason why I wanted a VBAC. I felt like every time I told someone was wasn't going to try for a VBAC but get a c-section, I needed to justify my actions.  No one ever made me feel that way. I realized that it was because I (so shamefully) had previously judged other women for not at least trying.  I quickly realized that having a VBAC to make other people happy was not really a wise choice. So I set out to do some research.

I found this really great website (that is pro VBAC, but not in a preachy way) that has the NIH statistics for readers and helps make some sense of them.  This website was really great in getting down to the nitty gritty. Even though they said no one can guarantee you any specific outcome of your chosen delivery, I wanted that.  I think since the beginning of this pregnancy I have been waiting for something to go wrong. And since nothing has at this point, I kept thinking that delivery must be where disaster is waiting for me.  And since disaster was on the forefront of my mind, I thought the OR must be the best place for me to be when my impending disaster should happen. (Not saying I was rationally thinking, but it was how I was thinking none the less).

But talking to Katie and Justin really helped set my thinking straight.  So Justin and I decided to just ask my doctor this week if it was too late to change our minds.  I met with the NP this week and she was wonderful. She was actually interested in why I changed my mind which was kind of nice for her to care.  She said it was no big deal and laid out a few options for me.  She didn't make me rush and said to go home and talk it over with my husband and just call up there and let them know what I chose.  I am so thankful the group is so supportive of whatever we want (c-section or VBAC)

So the new plan is to see if I go into labor and give it a try. They will let me go 41 weeks before they can see if they can "induce" me (must be at least 2 cm dilated). They can only use some medicine in a VBAC. If they can't induce me then I'll just have my c-section as planned.  So Shepherd will definitely be here by 2/1/13! I know I am going to have to fight the mental battle since I thought I only had 4 more shifts of work, 3 more NST, and less than 2 weeks before I got to meet my sweet baby.  Knowing that it could be more like 4 weeks (oh goodness!) is a little daunting as I feel so huge/can't sleep/can't move, but I know it will be worth it if I can have a chance at not recovering from a c-section....last time it was really awful!

A few nights before I talked to my doctor and officially decided to have a VBAC I slept really awful. I kept waking up with worry and anxiety about all the new unknowns...when will I deliver? will it work out? can I actually do labor and not scream like a maniac? Am I going to freak out if I get an epidural?  Will he be a beast of a baby and huge? All the new unknowns had me really worried.

Then while I was at my NST I was reading my bible and read this passage from Matthew:

While walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”  Immediately they left their nets and followed him. And going on from there he saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets, and he called them. Immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

This passage was so powerful to me.  Peter and Andrew didn't ask Jesus any questions, they didn't know what would happen when they left everything to follow him, they simple followed Jesus and obeyed.  That is the situation I am in Jesus hasn't told me what life will be like when Shepherd is here, only that he is coming.  He hasn't told me how  Shepherd will enter this world, but I do know God has his days numbered, God has plans not to harm us, and to work everything for our good.  Really there is nothing I can do about any of the things I was worrying about. There are no questions that I can ask that God will answer. I can only do as Peter and Andrew did:  leave all the worry and questions behind me, love the Lord, and follow him completely.

Please know that God has really changed my heart and my attitude. I will not be disappointed or feel like a failure if I get a c-section. I really don't care how he gets here...just as long as its safely :)  Whatever choice you and your family make regarding how you labor, deliver, breastfeed, raise your kid....is fine!  We chose this (and how we parent Inara) based on what we feel is best for our family.  It probably looks different than what you choose, and that is ok and wonderful.  I am thankful I have friends with differing opinions that me, it helps me to really think about why we do what we do.

So...how did you deliver or plan to deliver? I loooove me some birth stories of ANY kind. Post a link to your story, or leave it in the comment section!