Mourning...a little late.

Solomon writes the following in Ecclesiastes 3:1 &4-

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven...

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance

Maybe my season of mourning comes a little late....

When my father was literally dying (we were told he would probably die in a few days), I was "strong". I was sad but held it together. Praise God, my Father was saved from the grave and has made a full recovery. He watches Inara two times a week. His life is a constant reminder of God's saving mercy. About a year after his brush with death, I began to mourn. All at once, these emotions came flooding into my heart. I could be fatherless, my future children wouldn't have even met him, I am too young to loose a parent. I was SO thankful he WAS alive, but it was hard too. It took a little while, but I was able to move on and now I am no longer heart-broken over my near loss. I don't expect people to understand, but that is ok.

Lately I have begun to mourn something else a little late too. It may sound weird to you (and that's ok), but I have been mourning the loss of a "normal" pregnancy, delivery, and newborn experience. When Inara was born I did not think about any of these things. I was focused on spending most of my time either at the hospital, sleeping, or pumping. Just recently, I have begun to think about the things I have "missed out" on. I "missed out" on feeling Inara move and kick inside as long as other people, no one got to hold Inara after she was born, I couldn't nurse her like I wanted to. It often makes me sad to think that could be my last experience with the joy of pregnancy.

Lately these (and many others) have been flooding my mind. I have had to intentionally and constantly tell myself TRUE things. Did I infact "miss out" on all those things? Well...yes, BUT I must tell myself the purpose of pregnancy is to have a baby...not to nurse your child or even experience "normalcy". It is hard and it seems I am daily reminded of how our experience was not what was expected.

This weekend ended my 9 month love/hate relationship with pumping. It was a bitter sweet moment. I am SOO glad to have my life (and body) back, but at the same time...sad. I can't explain it very well, but it is a bummer I couldn't do it longer. I think since I didn't have a "normal" experience, it was the one thing I could give her that was in my plan....and there it is folk...MY plan.

My plan involved a medication free birth, DEFINITELY not a c-section, delivering a healthy baby, and nursing that baby for a year. It is now I see that was not in God's plan. I may NEVER know why any of these things happened, but I must tell my self the truth. God's plans are ALWAYS better than my plan. Things may not have gone according to how I would have envisioned, but they were NO surprise for God. He was there with us on the silent drive to the hospital the day she was born. He was there when we were told our baby was to be born 9 weeks early. He was there in the OR when her heart stopped beating and they had to do CPR. He was there with us as we spent a month traveling to and fro to a daughter we could not bring home. He was there on the glorious day we brought her home. And he continues to be with me now as I carry this burden. I don't want it. Jesus please help me, I can't do it alone.

Please don't misread this post. I am not depressed. When I look at Inara, I am so overjoyed to be her parent with Justin. I don't, in fact, wish things had gone differently. I just need help dealing. When I look at my scar, I want to be reminded that Jesus' plan is better than mine, instead of a reminder of what went "wrong". I need His help to get there. I don't want to feel as if I "missed out" on a "normal" experience. I want to rejoice that Jesus would call me to be apart of something greater than normal....His plan. God doesn't promise "normal", but he promises to be Good. I don't want normal...I want good.

 Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.