Joy comes with the mourning.

 "This picture of Jesus welcoming children should be a great hope and comfort for parents who have lost a baby. The image of Jesus holding our miscarried child on his lap in his eternal kingdom awaiting for our day of entrance is the single most comforting image that comes to mind when I ask myself what has happened to the child we lost." Mark Driscoll

I read this and wept in the car this week.  I wept for the baby we lost over a year ago.  This child would be turning 1 next month.  

When we had our miscarriage, I was really sad. I cried for a few days, then kind of just "got over it."  Then when I got pregnant again, almost immediately, I never thought of her again. I was just hoping and praying this pregnancy didn't end the way the previous one did...with empty arms.  I've thought about it here and there, but not too much. I would just think "well, if I didn't have my miscarriage, then Shepherd wouldn't be there." And it seemed weird to be sad for that, I guess.  

Then last week was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  All day long I saw my friends post about their dear children, they'll never meet this side of Heaven.  I would think about her again, and then just stop doing that.  I didn't realize until I broke reading that article from Mark Driscoll, but I didn't want to think about it.  It was hard and sad.

But his words sank deep into my soul.  My soul needed to mourn.  I needed to cry, and be sad, and call out to God for his comfort.  I needed to imagine our child sitting on Jesus' lap.  Something beautiful happened in my van (and in my heart) that day.  God was showing me to trust him.  Ignoring my miscarriage (and in turn my child) would not bring joy.  Ignoring the pain, does not make it go away.  I thought of the Psalm that says "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning".  I know the Psalmist wrote "morning" as in, the start of the day. But I think its true with "mourning" too.  

Ignoring my pregnancy, child, and miscarriage does not get rid of the pain. It does not bring joy. In fact, I felt condemnation. What kind of mother ignores her child?  Ignoring my pain robs Jesus of the wonderful gift of redemption.  But acknowledging that the sweet life God created in me, is now with her Heavenly Father. Oh! What beautiful sorrowful joy!  I can be comforted by the God who "sympathizes with my weaknesses". I can have an eternal hope of Heaven.  I can rejoice, as I cry with pain, that this little human will never feel the pains of sin in this world. All she'll know is the sweetness of Jesus Christ.

That night for our bedtime story, God's providence has us read about Heaven in our Jesus Storybook Bible.  (Shameless plug, here. This bible is amazing. Go out and buy it now)

I see a throne. And on the throne is a king. And the King is Jesus.  All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures.  There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts our singing a new song... "This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to--our Rescuer.  All Honor and Glory! Forever and ever".

And the Kind says, "Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid.  No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever.  Everything sad has come untrue.  And see--I have wiped away every tear from every eye!"  And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, "Look, I am making everything new!"