Thursday, May 9, 2013

Nursing a baby is hard

The past few weeks have been hard all around.  I started work a few weeks ago (subsequently have been waking up at 4:30 am), have had car trouble, haven't seen Justin much (cue Debbie Downer noise).  All of that makes nursing a baby really hard and inconvenient.  Yup, I actually said that. Feeding my child is inconvenient.Not my greatest momma moment, huh? I think its just that it has to be me. Justin can help with the housework, my parents can watch the kids so I can go to the grocery, our small group can (and has) babysat for a date, but only I can feed him.  Its kind of a lot of pressure and doesn't give me a ton of freedom.

I have been saying for the past few weeks that breastfeeding is probably one of the most selfless things I have ever done.  I guess I thought it would be just like when I exclusively pumped with Inara for 9 months.  But its really not. In a lot of ways its nicer. There are less bottles to wash, stuff to pack, and it is really nice to get guaranteed snuggle time.  But, I can't just go out whenever I want, do whatever I want, or have Justin give him a bottle at night.  Because all those things affect my supply.  Working has not been great for my supply to begin with, so skipping a feeding or pumping more at home just isn't worth it if I want to continue breastfeeding.

The truth is though, all those "facts" about what is hard are really just revealing the sin in my heart. I want my body, my life, my freedom back. Isn't Shepherd so lucky to have me as his mom ;)  But seriously, the problem isn't the little inconveniences of breastfeeding, the problem is the sin in my heart.  So I am not going to stop breastfeeding until its clear my sin issues are not the driving force.  Right now if I stopped it would be because I would be serving me and my idol of comfort.  But to continue, is to die to self, serve my family by saving money and not buying formula, and love Shepherd by giving him the best stuff.

Oh moms! Please don't hear what I am not saying.  I am not saying the following things:
  • breastfeeding is the only way to serve your family
  • breastfeeding is the wisest/best option for every family
  • breastfeeding is the ONLY way to love your child
  • breastfeeding is the BEST for your child
Breastfeeding is a personal family decision.  It's between you and your husband.  If formula/breastfeeding/pumping is what is best for your family...awesome.  I just know my heart, and for me to stop now would be serving sin which is not something I want to get in the habit of doing.  So for now, I'll still be getting less sleep, nurse my baby in public (which is not my favorite thing to do), do all the feedings when I am not at work,miss parts of church, and pump (and eat lunches alone) at work  But I'll also snuggle him more often than not, learn about sacrifice, persevere when I don't "feel like it", and be reminded of how much more Christ has given and sacrificed for me.

What about you moms? Did you love breastfeeding? Did you hate it?  Also, how did you do it in the summer?! I am dreading nursing in the hot days of summer!

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