Saturday, September 7, 2013

When parenting is hard

Tonight I want to crawl in my bed and hide. I want today to be done and tomorrow to be started new.  I don't want to talk to God about it because I don't want to cry. I'm tired of crying.  But I know that will be futile.

Tonight was the hardest hour of parenting I've had yet.  It was exhausting, depressing, and made me mad too.  Depressing to see someone you love so much, act so foolishly. Mad at her bedtime couldn't just be easy.  It ended well...I guess. But I want to just check out. I don't want to discuss how I feel with God. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I want to hide in my bed, watch stupid crap on TV, and eat a snack.

But. I won't act like my 3 year-old daughter and make foolish choices and cling to my sin. I saw how miserable and upset her foolish choices made her. Yet, I want to do the same thing?  Thankful God is here. God is chasing me down. Not letting me go.  I can't hide from Him even if I want to. So I'll make a wise choice (even though I don't want to) and I cling to him for hope.  Hope that only he can change her heart. Not my parenting. Not more discipline. Not more grace. Not a behavior chart. nope. Only her Creator can remove her cold stubborn heart and give her a tender responsive heart. *sigh of relief*

Even as I typed those words my shoulders sank and I am lighter.  Why do I think I can change her?  I can love her like Christ did. Discipline her and pray she sees her need for a Savior. And pray.

Oh Lord. I need your help. Help to keep loving and keep giving when it hurts.  You are near to the brokenhearted and I pray you break her heart for you.  Remove her heart of stone, rescue her from sin and death, give her a tender responsive heart to your gospel.  I need you. She needs you. Comfort me as I am just really sad tonight. Help my sadness to spur me to continually lay her at your feet...the best place for her to be. Thank you Jesus for living to intercede for me. That I can come boldly and find help in my time of need.  I love you. Thank you for loving me when I act sinfully and selfishly. I'll never know how you can look at me and see Jesus instead of my sinful dark heart, but I'll be eternally grateful for it. Thank you for your mercies that are new each morning. Amen


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