Finding Grace in the Laundry Room

So if anyone has been paying attention to my Facebook posts, its probably no secret that I am not doing super great.  These hormones of mine are giving me a run for my money. Add that to the fact that we still are figuring out our new schedules, and well lets just say there have been many a tears shed from my eyes.  I haven't posted much "deep" or real stuff happening in my life because honestly I just didn't feel like people wanted to hear about how I'm not doing so great.  Sure, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but I am just not there.  I guess I just figured people wanted some post with some encouraging ending instead of just "Guys, this is hard. I'm trying. I'm failing. I'm sad".

I have plans next week to spend a whole day hashing some things out with God.  Thanks to my hubs and bestie for arranging a kid free day. I plan on going to Potter's Ranch where I can ugly cry out to God all.day.long.  You think I'm kidding? Nope.  I have some major heart issues that need to be tended to.  More on those later.  But today something wonderful really did happen.  God met me as I hid away in the laundry room to cry. I know right?

Inara has been arguing and complaining and whining all.the.time.  Recently it has also come to my attention that I thought my love language was physical touch. I have been shown that is not the case by parenting a child who is always wanting to be near me, on me, or touching me to some capacity.  I was trying to make my grocery list and she kept climbing all over me, stretching a leg across me, laying on my arm (the same arm I was trying to write with).  I kept trying to tell myself "Ok, just breathe. This is a blessing.  She won't be little for long. In 10 years, I'll long for this time where she just wants to be near me". But I'll be honest...that didn't do squat.  I knew I should be thankful and appreciative, and all ooey gooey for her...but I just wasn't. I simply couldn't make myself feel that way.  Instead I sat there, so annoyed that she just wouldn't leave me alone for like 5 seconds.  (I'm telling you, I should probably get mother of the year award right?).  Finally I was done with my list and as I prepared for our trip, it was one more round of complaining/arguing.  I just ran to the laundry room shut the door, and lost it.  "God! Why can't she just obey the first time?  Why does she have to argue with EVERYTHING I ask her to do.  I just want her to say 'Yes, Mom' and do it!".

Immediately the Holy Spirit convicted me.  "Why do you think you deserve her to obey the first time or that you deserve a happy kid? Do you really know what you deserve".  I cried out to God and was thankful that what I do deserve (death, hell, eternal pain/suffering) I don't get, but rather he gives me what I DON'T deserve. He gives Himself, grace, mercy, patience, perfect peace.  I feel like I haven't had a really significant amount of time to sit down and hash stuff out in my heart with God. But God chased me into the laundry room to be with me.  I didn't have to get my heart right first, or pray a super holy prayer, or do anything. It was just him coming after me, disciplining me because He loves me, because I am his. And it was pretty awful/awesome.

Then Inara came in asked me about 20 questions about why I was crying and ran to get me a paper towel to wipe away my tears :)

It was JUST what I needed and JUST in time.  I was really wondering how I was going to make it through the grocery with 2 kids without yelling and screaming.  But God showed up, gave me just enough grace for that moment.  It like "duh". Why don't I run to the laundry room all day long when I just need 2 minutes with my savior.  I guess I still don't get it.  I don't get that I don't have to do anything to be with God, except to show up.  We made it through the store with no kid meltdowns (or mom meltdowns either).

Please know I love Inara so much.  The problems I had with her today (and lately) were because a) she is a toddler and b) I am a sinner.  I try really hard not to bash her in this space. She was behaving like any toddler does, and I was the one behaving inappropriately.  Thank God there is grace for that!