Spring is good for me

I didn't realize how depressed I have been lately until last week when I was outside with Inara, on our swing, in the sun.  I needed it. My soul needed the warmth and the sun.  I am not trying to be dramatic or anything, but the warm sun, hearing the birds chirping, the breeze blowing my hair, and Inara playing in her water table was so therapeutic and eye opening.

I have been shut in my house with the cool weather, and it seems I have been shutting in my emotions and thoughts too. Keeping them buried deep inside as I bury my self under the covers to stay warm.  But yesterday as I sat on my swing and felt the warmth of the sun on my legs, I let my emotions and thoughts out.

I am really sad about going back to work...like mega sad.  I don't want to be away from my babies and my house 8+ hours a day. I want to snuggle Shepherd all day long, go to the zoo with Inara, and play outside with them both.  I want to do more school with Inara, watch Shepherd meet milestones (because I feel like babies change so quickly), and spend the days with Justin.

I have been ignoring (or trying to) the fact that in 1 week I will be back at work...and working full-time for 1 month.  I have been trying to not think about how Justin and I won't really get to see much of each other during that month, how we still aren't sure what our childcare situation will look like, how I am nervous Justin and I will both be exhausted during this month, how I am nervous my supply will really be affected by working, how I am nervous my employees will judge me for needing to pump a couple times, how needing to pump more means I'll need to buy more supplies which stresses me out (aka sinful worry) because I haven't been working for 3 months and money is tight.

And all this time while "ignoring" these things my heart has been growing more and more depressed and anxious...I just didn't realize it until I was sitting in the sun.  All my fears, expectations, and sadness came up as I stepped into the light. Then God brought the verse from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to mind:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

At first I was all pouty and like "Humph! Give thanks for what? Being exhausted and away from my family?". Then God started chipping away at my cold stubborn heart.  I was reminded that we waited, waited, and waited for God to give Justin a new job and I could be thankful for that. Be thankful for a job that will help us pay off debt and become more financially stable.  A job that will be wonderful experience for Justin. I could choose to be thankful that God allowed me to also find a new job in 2 weeks.  A job that I actually will like doing. A job that allows me to keep really great medical benefits. A job that won't have me working nights anymore.  A job that will for the first time in almost 7 years allow me to be off all weekends and holidays!

And then more thankfulness came upon me..."For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  In Christ Jesus, that is where my thankfulness is from.  Yes those things listed above are really nice blessings from God, but what if all of that was taken away, what is there to be thankful for then? Jesus.  He is from where all blessing flow. My biggest problem (which isn't lack of sleep, time with my family, financial debt)....my sin problem has been solved. Jesus Christ (who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow) has solved my biggest problem.  

So I sat there, in the warm sun. Wind blowing my hair. Feet in flip-flops, sad but thankful. Thankful for the spring and the new life it brings. The flowers, trees, green grass, and being reminded of the new life Christ has given me.  I am still sad, but thankful. Oh so thankful.