Monday, March 18, 2013

I'm rocking my baby

I've been fighting a little bit of guilt lately when it comes to how much time I spend with Shepherd.  When Inara was a baby I would read her books, sing to her, get down on the floor for tummy time, or just hold her and talk to her. And well sometimes I just feel like I am just keeping Shepherd alive and he only gets attention when he cries for food or sleep. It seems that as soon as I am done feeding him, Inara has to pee or its time to eat.  Or the dishes need done, or there are no clean underwear for any of us in the house, or baths to be had, or ______ (fill in the about a million other things).  And then there are times when I actually do have time to be with him...and I just don't feel like it...I just want to sit, or sleep, or work on something for me...

I feel guilty because I wonder if he will know the sound of the music on  his mat or swing more than the sound of my voice...because that is where he spends most of his awake time.  And in full disclosure here...sometimes I worry that all the laying around will give him a flat head and then he will need a helmet...and then the whole world will know where my baby spends all his time. Even though I know that is not the only way babies need to wear helmets

Sorry this post is a downer, I am just trying to be real.  Last night while I was putting Inara down for bed, Shepherd started crying.  I went to get him off his mat...he was covered in spit up :(  I just felt so bad he was laying there in curdled milk.  I changed his clothes and brought him into Inara's room to do bed time stuff.  Afterwards, we plopped down on the couch together and I just stared, squeezed, kissed, sang to, and kissed him some more.  And then I remembered a line from a little poem "I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep".  Here is the full poem:

    Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
    Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
    Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
    Sew on a button and make up a bed.

    Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
    She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

    Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
    Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
    Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
    Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.

    The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
    And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
    But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
    Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
    Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

    The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
    For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
    So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
    I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

This is so hard though because I can't just not do my job.  But Justin doesn't expect an immaculate house (which is good because I can't deliver!), so I need to cool it.  I think I will try to only do house work during nap time/bed time.  Because I already know how quickly both my babies are growing up and how I'll never get this time with them again.  So I'm going to try to rock my babies...because my babies won't keep.

How do you juggle multiple kiddos and the housework?--Not a rhetorical question, I need some help people! :)

*This post was supposed to end here.  But minutes after I finished writing I spoke with my friend Katie.  She was the breath of fresh air my heart needed to hear.  After she let me cry and tell her my sob story, she then told me truth. Truth. The truth is...I do hold Shepherd a lot...just not as much as I want to. The truth is...He is not neglected and is just fine. The truth is... God has blessed me with a great husband who isn't demanding, is super helpful, and could care less if the house looks like a war zone.  The truth is... Inara is just fine too. She isn't being ignored.  And even when she has to wait on me to take care of Shepherd she isn't getting jealous or mad.  The truth is good for both of them to learn that life isn't all about them.  The truth is...I am fine too. It's ok to struggle with this new life. It is ok to want a little time to my self.  It is ok to cry and be hormonal and be real.  But since neither God nor my husband have unattainable, unreasonable, or impossible requirements for me...I can do life well.  So I will try to remember these truths and pray that God will give me the grace and mercy to do this new life I have well.  I'll pray I can love him well by taking care of Inara and Shepherd to the best of my ability. I'll pray to be reminded not to expect things from my self that my Savior and my husband don't expect of me.  And I'll pray that God will help me be reminded of truth in the peaks and valleys of this hormonal roller coaster I seem to be riding.


  1. So glad God has given you are great friend to speak truth into your life. I am constantly reminding myself that my goal is not perfection, but my goal is obedience to Christ. SO hard when the culture is not telling me this. You know we started with 2 and now have 5. Trust me, I am always wondering who is not getting enough love. But your friend is right-one if the biggest things I can teach my kids is that the world does not revolve around them. Their future classmates, friends and spouses will thank you later. :) You are a GOOD mom, don't let anything or anyone tell you any different! And the 'new normal' will come. Promise.

    1. Thanks so much for your encouragement Shelley. I know its good for both of them, but its just so hard for ME. You must be super mom with 5 kiddos! :)


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