Monday, February 11, 2013

I was wrong...

*Warning this post is a little all over the apologies in advance :)

I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy with Shepherd being excited, but nervous and scared too. Everyone says you will love your second child just as much as your first, but honestly I had a hard time imagining that. How could it be? I loved Inara so much. She was my first and I still considered her my baby. How could my heart possibly make room for loving another child as much as I loved her.

Then on January 26th, Shepherd was born and immediately placed on my chest. I stared in awe at this beautiful baby that God had blessed me with.  He is a beast and eats ever 2.5 hours around the clock. Sometimes he eats every 2 hours, and every once in a while (like last night), he gets famished and I have to give him a bottle because he simply can't wait 2 hours to eat.  I am tired, but God is so good to provide LOTS of help, LOTS of grace, and LOTS of love for this newest member of the Duke family.

I'll blame this emotional post on my lack of sleep, hormones, and the fact that I have watched 3 seasons of Parenthood in 2 weeks :)  When Inara was in the NICU I sang the same few songs over and over again to her: Jesus Messiah, Might to Save, Jesus Loves Me, and Come Thou Fount.  I haven't really sung many songs to Shepherd because I kind of feel like I am cheating on Inara by singing her songs to him (I I said...the hormones).  Today I was watching Parenthood while nursing Shepherd I heard "To Make You Feel My Love". I started singing it to him while I was changing his diaper and he just stared up at me...and I may have lost it :)  I know the song is more of a romantic love song, but I dunno. I guess I just looked down at him there, my miracle baby who is quickly outgrowing newborn clothes and diapers, and pictured him on his wedding day.  I want to spend every day until then making sure he knows how much I love him.

And then I started thinking about how big Inara is and how I am so blessed to be her mom.  How I am sad she doesn't fit curled up on my chest anymore, but how its amazing to hear her independently say "I love you" or run up and kiss/hug me for no reason.  Everything is different with Inara and Shepherd. EVERYTHING. I didn't have this lovey dovey feeling with Inara. But loving her and seeing how much my heart is capable of loving her has paved the way for loving Shepherd.

Children are a blessing and gift from the Lord 
Psalm 127:3

Oh Jesus. I deserve nothing, but you give so freely. I am so incredibly blessed with 2 kids who have stolen my heart. I can't believe I once actually thought kids ruin your life. I couldn't be further from the truth and I am so thankful you have proven my wrong. What a wonderful way to be wrong. Thank you Jesus for the blessing of being their mom.  Please help me remember the truth of this scripture when I don't feel blessed. I love you so much. I can't believe you gave up your own son whom you love so much, for a wretch like me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

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