Wrestling with God

*Disclaimer, God's ways are higher than my ways and I do NOT claim to know why God does what he does. This post is just me working through the tragedy's of last week with a biblical mindset. I am posting in case someone is struggling in the same way.*

I have been wrestling with God about the events of last Friday.  It is so heartbreaking and incomprehensible the evil that took place in that elementary school.  I have been thinking and struggling with what I think about God in light of what happened on Friday and how God could let this awful thing happen. Many people says its the mental health system and its failures (probably true), others are discussing changes in gun control (good idea), but I was interested in the reason behind all of that...how could God let this happen?

More importantly, I wondered who is God? Can I really trust him with my life? If he could allow something this awful to happen, would he bring tragedy to my life too? I worried all last night that Justin would die and I would be left alone without my very best friend to raise Inara and our unborn child. (Not my finest moment and just being honest here). I knew I needed sort this out with God, because what comes to mind when I think about God has very practical implications for how I live my life.  Here is what God showed me through his inspired and divine word.

Who is God?

• God is a Father.  He knows what it is like to lose a child in a most horrible way
• God never changes (Heb 13:8) God is the same God as he was before, during, and after the shootings
• God is in control of everything (The whole book of Job, Isaiah 45:7) Nothing is a surprise for God. He limits, orders, and controls all things...even the really hard and awful stuff
• God is near to the brokenhearted  (Psalm 34:18)  We are not alone in our suffering
• God is BIG (Isaiah 55:8) I may never know WHY this and other terrible things happen
• God experienced loss (Isaiah 53:10, Isaiah 53:4, and John 11:1-36) so he can relate to us 

Can I trust God?

 -Obviously I can, but I needed to see the proof of why I can

• He has plans not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11)
• He works out everything for good (Romans 8:28-39)
• He is faithful and his mercies never end (Lamentations 3:22-34)
• He will never leave us for forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6)
• He is merciful (Deuteronomy 4:31)
• Where/who else would I go? (John 6:66-69)

These first 2 are hard to hear (but also comforting) during times of loss. It doesn't seem God could use this awful for good, but as I saw above...God is big and his ways are higher than my ways.  I may not see the good from this and other losses, but because of a God's other attributes (faithfulness, merciful, just, sovereign  all knowing etc) I can know those verses are true.

This was a good exercise for me.  The conclusion I came to in regards to my questions is that God is somehow (and I can't explain how) both merciful and just, all knowing and powerful, causes calamity and is near to us, and works all things for our good.  And even though I can explain why on 12/14/12 an unspeakable tragedy happened I can say along with Simon, "Lord, to whom shall I go. You have the words of eternal life".  And much more than "Well, I guess there is no where else to go" and that I can trust God, but that I must and need to trust God. To answer my other question of if God will bring tragedy to my life, my answer is "Yes". I know I am not promised a life free from pain and suffering. It is impossible in our sin filled world. But God promises never to leave me and never to forsake me. And I have seen this first hand and especially when Inara was born. It was awful, but we were never alone. In many ways, I never felt closer to God or more cared for during that time, my miscarriage this year, and early in this pregnancy. And now, this December, my soul is seeing in a new way our great need and great news of Christmas:

"God draws near to those who have lost what is dearest to them. And he does so through his people. And when someone asks us, “Where was God when this happened?” We can say with a hope-filled heart and trembling voice, “God is in the same place today as he was when his own Son hung on a cross. Jesus Christ took all this evil and suffering and swallowed it as a bitter pill. God so loves this sin-sick world that he gave his only Son to it. And whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life with our Father in a world made right. At a time of year when joy and laughter should fill every home, heartbreak and weeping seems out of place. But this is an open door to God's heart. The coming of Immanuel means Herod, murderers, death, and Satan do not win. God is still with us."  David Fairchild, The Resurgence

Here are some other places I found with some helpful insights on what to think:

• The Resurgence
• Ann Voskamp
• John Piper
• I Can Teach My Child
• Crossroads Church

Here is also a song that now screams at me WHY we need a Christmas and a Savior. This is hard for me to trust God here, but I need him. I don't need better gun control or more guns, I don't need to squeeze Inara tight (although I have done that more this week), I don't need the promise of better health care for the mentally ill (although that will help). I need a Savior. 

How does my heart deceive me?

That was the subtitle to the sermon at church this weekend. I finally got a chance to search my heart...it was not pretty. Our pastor suggested there are 3 main ways we are deceived.  During the sermon I didn't think I really was being deceived, but wouldn't you know...it seems I am in all 3 ways. Here are some cliff notes for you.

You are deceived when:

1.) You start defining yourself in terms of your success--One of the biggest tip-offs that you're into success idolatry is that you struggle to maintain self-confidence in life unless you're at the top of your chosen field.

2.) You start defining yourself in terms of other people around you--God meant for us to live in community with one another.  He made us into social beings,  but our sinful, idol-making hearts start expecting other people to do the one thing they were never designed to do - give us identity,  purpose, or hope.

3.)You start defining yourself in terms of your own performance in the Christian life--Christ died for SINNERS! And those sinners after being saved by grace will continue to fight and fall into sin between now and when Christ returns.

So...yeah :) I know it sounds funny, but the one example in my life of how all 3 ways I am deceived collide is...the grocery store. I'll try to explain :)

For the last 5ish years of our marriage I have done 95% of the grocery shopping in our home. I loved being able to cut coupons,  stock up on staple items for the cheap,  and save about 35-50% off our total bill. Fast forward to March. I get an awesome new job, but there is a catch... its more time out of the home than the previous 3 years when I was doing home health.  (Sidebar- I don't choose to work out of the home.  It is out of necessity.  We have a tiny mortgage,  old used cars paid for,  and virtually no debt. I HAVE to work,  I am so thankful God has provided a great job with good insurance and only part - time out of the home).  With this new job and more time out of the home, I have a lot less time to plan meals and coupon, and when I say less time...I mean no time :)  We signed up for eMeals. It is amazing and would be wonderful for a newly married couple or new mom. Basically they send you a meal plan each week with cooking instructions and a grocery list. 

It has really helped a ton, but I still end up spending a good $20-30 more per week at the grocery even with meal planning.  Each time I would checkout I would leave feeling defeated and honestly...ashamed.  I felt I should be a "better" homemaker than that.  I honestly felt like a loser. (Deceit #1).  This one is particularly hilarious (not that idolatry is hilarious) because not ONE SINGLE TIME in our marriage has Justin EVER said "Wow, Lauren you spent too much at the grocery. Get it together".

As I searched my heart more, I realized it was worse. I didn't just feel like a "loser" wife/mom/homemaker... I felt like a loser Christian! (Deceit #3). I wasn't thinking it at the time but when I really searched my heart I realized that each time I saw the total amount of money on groceries spent go up, I felt like I failed God too. (Total lie) So right now as I look around at my disaster of a house, laundry piling up everywhere, virtually no training/teaching done with Inara this week, and realizing tonight will be the first cooked meal I will have made all week long I am fighting hard to remember that I am NOT a loser. I am NOT a bad Mom. I am NOT a horrible wife. I am NOT disappointing God.  But rather this is a particularly busy season in our life, and the truth is that ONLY because of Christ...and not the state of my home:

I am forgiven

I am loved

I am redeemed

I am rejoiced over

I am God's daughter

I am accepted

I am righteous

I am sure with Shepherd's arrival this will be an even harder fight. But I am 100% sure it is worth the work to fight the good fight. Know the truth so I am deceived.  Let's fight together! 

Changes

Let me start by saying, I really LOVE my current job. I make my own schedule, am off virutally all weekends/holidays, have awesome staff to work with, and I love the actual work that I do. That being said, I am currently in the process of switching jobs.  My last day is in about 3 weeks...then I go back to working in 1) a hospital. 2) night shift. Both of which I said I would NEVER do. *Note to self, don't tell God you will never do something*  But honestly I am REALLY excited about my new job.  I think the flexibility of night shift will be good for our family.

The day I interviewed was amazing!  I know you probably don't care about all the details, but I wanted to post so I WOULD REMEMBER how faithful and awesome God is. The morning started off well even thought I did not sleep well. I woke up well rested and was able to spend some time praying and reading and it was SOO fruitful. God clearly showed me that HE is the ultimate gift and no matter what happened during my interview, He is what is to be desired above all things. I spent time in my car praying/worshiping him and felt overwhelmed by his love. I had such confidence going into my interview. Not because I was confident in my skills as a nurse (although I think I am a pretty good one :) but because I was confident that God is sovereign and that he will never leave me! While waiting for the HR person to meet me, I started to get nervous. But I am SO thankful God helped me FIGHT to put his truth in my heart.  I kept thinking about phil 4:8 where paul says "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things". It was amazing, as I told myself about my riches in Christ, my heart rate slowed, my breaths calmed down, and I could smile and wait patiently.  I went to meet the manager and was surprised as they said I would be going to a peer interview. Immediately my heart began to pound and I got nervous again...I wasn't ready for this! But as I waited for the staff, which each breath I would say "Jesus is Lord, and he will never leave me". WOW, the power of the Lord was with me! I was able to have a really great interview with both the staff and the management (nearly a 2 hour interview). I felt I really connected to the staff and really could see myself fitting well into this team.  The interview ended and I left being confident I totally rocked that interview :) but even more confident that although I would be bummed if I didn't get the job, my joy was in Christ....so I thought that was a successful interview!

Well about an hour later I received a phone call...and they offered me a position! The HR representative said "well I hear you had a great interview"....I guess so! I am very excited, nervous, and ready for this new challenge. I also am so encouraged that I am sure they saw the light of Christ in me and that is why I got the job. My answers weren't "christian" but they were genuine and I am SURE this is why they chose me. I am excited to shine this light in my new position!  I am so thankful for this job, but much more thankful for how my day went and how Christ was fighting with me to have a day walking with Him. 


There is a little more to this story that I will share later. But I just wanted to be sure I am praising God both privately and publicly for his goodness :)

Wearing me out...

Phew...Inara has been quite a handful lately. She is SO full of energy and it sometimes hard to keep her from not going completely insane. And I can see glimpses of her stubborn personality. Gee I wonder where she gets that huh?  I haven't had time to blog much because its getting hard to keep up with her. Sometimes she IS disobedient, but other times its like she is so CRAZY she can't stop to listen to obey.  But then it seems like as soon as I've "had it up to here" with her God shows me how loving, kind, and gracious He is. She will come up and snuggle on my lap, start to count, do her ABC's, or give a toy a kiss. It's like "ah, yes...this is my sweet baby".

But instantly when I find relief in her sweet behavior I find myself seeing how short I fall of God's standard and how He really is the best Father of all.  He loves me so perfectly. When I have bad days where I am crazy, disobedient, and cannot hear him calling my name...He is still there. He love me the same. Its because His love is not based on me but what Christ did. I am so thankful it is not based on me, because there is truly nothing loveable about me outside of Him.

So how can I love Inara this way? WHO KNOWS! I will spend my whole life trying to learn to love like him. But I will try and I will ask for His help. I need to remind Inara (and myself) that I love her the same even when she is sins. I will be starting Give Them Grace next week, PERFECT timing.

Toddler?

Seriously, how did this happen? I woke up and all of a sudden I don't have a baby anymore. She is a toddler almost over night! Its kind of crazy. She was taking almost a 3 hour nap from like 11-2. And then it was literally over night she started taking a 1.5 hour nap starting at 1pm.  And now, nap time consists of me asking her if she is tired and wants to nap, she goes and gets her favorite giraffe and goes into her room! Its so fun to see how she is growing up. What is NOT so fun is bed time where she is persisting CONSISTENTLY plus she is also waking up at night for no reason. She's not hungry, not hurting, just crying. Its so bizarre and we have NO idea why or what to do. So if you have any suggestions we would gladly take them.

Our church offers progressive parenting classes that are AMAZING! The last one we read On Becoming Baby Wise: Book II. Basically the goal from  12 months-18 months is to "not lose any ground". I remember thinking that sounded weird, like it would be a battle and no fun. Well it is definitely a battle at night and no fun. We worked hard in the beginning to establish a schedule for her and it was wonderful. Sleeping through the night very early, and super happy girl during the day. I now understand the "not losing any ground" part now. I SOOO just wanna go in her room and rock her to sleep. BUT, I know she is fine and I SOOO don't want rocking her to sleep to be the norm. So hopefully she will learn it is bedtime and get with the program :) But until then I tell her that I love her even when she isn't "good", because isn't that was Christ does with us?

Romans 8:38 & 39- For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I sin all day long, and he STILL loves me all day long. I can do nothing to make Him love me any more, or any less. I so wish to instill this knowledge in Inara. Once again being her Mom brings me to Jesus. It is good.

She BEGS to be outside at all times!

"Bad Day"

Today Inara had a "bad day". I use this term because well she wasn't a perfect little girl all day. She is generally so happy and friendly, so it is bizarre when she has days like today. I think she woke up from her 1st nap too early and on the "wrong side of the crib". Then it was all down hill from there. She was generally needy, whiny, but at the same time annoyed by me. She didn't eat good, and was hitting my hand away. I let her get away with stuff today, that I normally wouldn't because it seemed obvious she was just in a bad mood. It was good though. I didn't get mad at her for not obeying mom, not eating well, or "ruining" my night. We got out of the house and went to my parents. She LOVES them and she loves my aunt who lives with them too. So she was a little better there. I came home and got her ready for bed. I sat down in her room with her and just rocked with her in the chair for a bit. I reminded her that I love her so much. Even on bad days...even when she isn't fun to be around, even when she doesn't obey. I hope I can end all "bad days" this way. It was so special to just rock her to sleep and remind her of my unconditional love for her...which of course got me thinking ;)

How great is it that God loves us this way. When I have a bad day, am not pleasant, and do not obey....He still loves....perfectly. Being a parent is so great, but being a child of God is even greater!

Trouble

Oh Cars...how I love/hate you!

So this year we have had TONS of problems with cars. It started on one of the worst days of my life, when I totaled my car in February. You can read the whole story here. We were without a car for about a month while the insurance company had to decide if they were going to fix it, or total it. So we bought an Nissan Altima for super cheap knowing that we would probably have to replace the transmission at some point. But even factoring in a transmission, we got a good deal. So about 3 months after we got the Altima, Jusin's engine died. His car was not worth the work to fix it so we sold it and bought a Subaru Forrester (That's car number 4 for us this year). It was in pretty good shape and low miles, so we bought that. About a month after we bought it, the Altima's transmission went out (or as our mechanic likes to call them..."The tranny is bad"). It took a while to find one for that car...so once again...we were a 1 car family for about another month. Then recently the transmission in the Subaru went out! Seriously?! I was very thankful God allowed us to buy an extended warranty when we bought it and they paid for about 2/3 of the cost for a new transmission. But it took a while for the warranty people to find one and ship it to our mechanic....so 1 more month to our 1 car family status.Then last week we go to pick it up..PERFECT! Running great...oh except for the leaking transmission fluid...multiple trips to mechanic office and one week later = we got a bad tranny! So now it looks like an additional month of being a 1 car family :(

One thing is for sure. God is REALLY trying to teach me patience, contentment, and not to complain. I would love to say, that I am learning those things. But no, I am not. Which is probably why it keeps happening :) There are DAYS when I would say I am patient with being home all week...all month. There are DAYS when I feel like its no big deal. God has provided rides with my wonderful family and great friends. But does patience, contentment, and a happy heart define me right now, unfortunately not. I hope God doesn't break all our cars over an over to get my attention....but I guess that's not true. While it is a major inconvenience to my life, I really am thankful God loves me enough to change me to be more like His Son. Did Jesus complain when he bore the sins of the world? NO. What he joyless and annoyed when he was tortured for my sake? NO. He asked for it to pass...BUT only if it were the Father's will. I try (with His help) to follow his example. I will pray for this season to end, but should it not pass....I will need His help to find joy in Him and not my circumstances.

Suicide

Well now that I have your attention with a dramatic title. Lets talk about it. Suicide is a real problem. I have multiple friends who have lost loved ones to suicide.  My friend Sara and Lyndsey have been helping out at the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk for 2 years. Justin and I walked last year to raise awareness, but we can't this year. That's why I thought I could still help raise awareness even though I can't walk. So here is my 2 cents (if you are interested).

In the medical field, we can fix broken bones, sick tummies, and messed up just about everything.....except the heart/brain. Mental illness is a real thing...it is an illness. Just like diabetes, heart disease, or a headache. There are symptoms and there are treatments. Mental illness is the same way...there are symptoms that point to suicide and there are treatments for severe depression too. I'll give a personal example of this..ME!

In high school I went through a very "dark" period. I would say I was "depressed". I was tired, lazy, tearful, and frequently had morbid thoughts. I thought no one loved me, no one cared. If only I could do something to get their attention, then maybe I would feel better. I thought about cutting my self  "accidentally" or even throwing my self down the stairs to get injured. While I didn't want to die, I did want to hurt my self...to feel something...to feel anything. I am thankful God intervened with wonderful parents I knew I could talk to. I told them about how I was feeling and they took me to a counselor. It was then God also opened my eyes to His Gospel. Through the 2 of these things I was able to heal and see there is a reason to live...CHRIST!

I can share this now because of what He has done in my life. He saved me. My life was empty, dark, and lonely. No wonder my heart was "sick", I was living my life apart from the most wonderful Creator who I was born to be in relation with.

Has suicide been apart of your story? Wanna get involved? Wanna help? Here is how!

1. Register here to walk for the AFSP
2. TALK! People are lonely and empty and have no hope. Offer it to them with the love of Christ and show them they are not alone, they are not the only ones broken
3. TALK...some more. Mental illness is a taboo subject, but it doesn't need to be. People who have headaches aren't ashamed they take medicine for it. Lets talk about depression and suicide so people feel free to ask for help.

If you are reading this and you think you need help. PLEASE ask!  You can call this suicide hot-line: 1-800-273-TALK or email me and I would love to meet with you.

Book Club

Last week was the 1st meeting of the Odd Ball Book Club (OBBC) that I joined with some of my friends. We discussed our first book, "The Shack" by William P. Young. It was a pretty good read. The beginning was VERY slow and too detailed about unimportant and uninteresting things, but it picked up a few chapters into the book. After that I found my self thinking "OK, I'll just read one more chapter". That is a pretty big deal for me considering I am not a big reader at all.

I won't post any spoilers on the off chance you would like to read it someday, but its basically about one man's journey to know God. Like I said before its a pretty good book. The author is very talented at telling a compelling, wanna keep reading story. But that is just what it is...a story. The book is full of biblical truths about God, who he is, who we are, etc. But is is also full of un-biblical things for the sake of a good story.

The book portrays God as a warm, gentle, and kind character...all biblical. But in doing so the reader misses out on seeing God's other qualities: Holy, awesome, BIG! The pastor at the church I go to talked about this book a while ago, and he pointed out something that really stuck with me, even though at the time I had never read the book.  When we don't see God as Holy, awesome, and so much more amazing than we are...we cheat ourselves. It is MORE amazing to see that Holy and awesome God, humbling coming down to our level to love and care for us. That is how I felt about this book. The author does a great job of showing God as kind, but because the author doesn't show us God's greatness, I feel as a reader I was missing out! Anyway, that is my quasi book review.

So what about you? Have you read the Shack? What did you think?