I had the best day

Today was simple, but I had a really great day on my first Mother's Day to 2 kids. Can I share it with you? Ok, thanks!

It started out wonderful and I got to sleep until 7:30!  I climbed into Inara's bed with her for a few morning snuggles.  We then played with her dollhouse for a while.  This is a new stage for her actually letting me play with her instead of just watching her.  Its fun to see the world through her eyes as she pretends with her dollhouse family.

After about 20 minutes Shepherd woke up.  Let me tell you something.  This little boy has stolen my heart like no one else.  He is just the sweetest thing. So I walk into his room and staring up at me is the sweetest face I've ever seen.  He instantly smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen a baby smile. I scoop him up and shower him with kisses. Side note- I am not sure how I will handle him being too old for me to kiss his chubby neck and cheeks. Justin wakes up we spend semi-uninterrupted time together on the couch. Ps, I really miss him these days.  We get ready for church and we are out the door.

Today was the baby dedication at church.  Our names are called.  We are encouraged by our pastor and I get teary eyed thinking about the 2 tiny blessings in my life. I succeed in not having a complete sob fest in front of the whole church (Thanks Jesus!).  More celebration of new life as we watch 5 or 6 people I don't know get baptized. The great thing is...it doesn't matter that I don't know them.  Seeing people being made new is a beautiful gift and for the second time today, I fight back a complete breakdown.

The rest of the day is spend with Justin, the kids, my parents and we got to facetime with Justin's parents too.  Nothing spectacular, more pretending, more cuddling, LOTS of smiles from my youngest baby, some fun (and not so fun) teaching moments with my oldest baby, and the day ended with bedtime talk about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit....um yeah...trying to explain the Triune God to a 3.5 year old is a bit tricky. But I am so thankful for her inquisitive spirit and even though sometimes it drives me crazy, its a huge blessing and such a joy for her to ask "why" about Jesus and his creation.  I get up to leave her room and Inara says "Momma! I need another hug!"  Typically Inara uses bedtime stalling techniques, but I can tell she genuinely just wants another hug.  I give her a huge squeeze, kiss her snotty face, another squeeze and tell her "Buenos Noches".

As I am nursing Shepherd and I see his bright blue eyes staring back at me, a huge smile, and then some droopy eyelids...I think "I had the best day".  Which then made me think of "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. I am totally not ashamed to say that I really love her.  Anyway, so I listen to the song...and finally sob.  I finally get it.  I get how much my Mom and Dad loves me because that's how much I love Inara and Shepherd.  I sob because I don't think I really ever knew they loved me that much.  I cry even more because I think how incredibly heartbreaking it must have been to parent at times.  I cry out to God and beg him to not let Inara or Shepherd treat me the way I treated my parents. I wipe my nose as I realize these days I have with Inara and Shepherd are so fleeting. It's so cliche, but it really does seem like just yesterday Inara was signing her first words. I blink and almost 4 months have gone by and my last baby is already so big.  Today has been the best Mother's Day yet. Granted I have only had 3, but still...today has been the best day.

If you are a glutton for punishment, then you should definitely listen to this T. Swift song.  You'll probably want some tissues and to be in a room alone so you can ugly cry.

*Ps, once again I have zero pics of me WITH my kids...mom fail*

Sweet sayings

Inara has been saying some pretty sweet and funny things lately. Here is her latest funny things:

Me and big one speak the same language.  We both speak Spanish to each other.

When I'm older and as big as God, then I can take a shower

I don't like it when the Grinch is in my mind

When I take one bite of an apple, its called an appetite

After reading the Jesus Storybook Bible "I love my daddies.  I love you and my other daddy, God"

Riding in the car we were talking about how Jesus is perfect but we are not perfect.  She is quiet for a long time, then says "Well the bottom of my dress is perfect and beautiful because its sparkly. So that's like Jesus. But the top isn't perfect and sparkly and that is like us."  It was so cute and sweet to see her put it in her terms. :) I just love my sweet girly girl!

Dear Inara

Dear sweet big-sister Inara,

Where do I start on how sweet you are? I guess I'll start with how it is so wonderful and a huge blessing to see you love you new baby brother so much. You are such a little momma. You always want to check on him, shower him with kisses, and help with everything. You really love to help with his baths and diaper changes.  The way you genuinely care for him is so sweet to watch. You have asked a few times if we get to keep him forever and you always make sure he gets to come along with us.

Not only do you love your baby brother, but the way you care for others is so amazing.  You ask Dad how his day at work was, how Pawpaw if feeling, and you even ask us if we like our food when we eat together. Its so sweet to have you climb up on my lap and snuggle.  You and Dad have become quite close over the past few months.  He love you so much Inara. I hope you see our love for you as a small model of the way Jesus loves you.

You are learning so much about God and Jesus. Its super fun to teach you things and you remember them so well.  Its been amazing to see you use God's word to not be scared of a storm, a bad dream, and even to correct me sometimes.

Speaking of correcting...oh girlie we think you might be a little lawyer when you grow up. You constantly challenge/argue with us. MOST of the time it isn't in a disobedient way, but rather you are finding "evidence" to "prove your case".  I pray God will mold this trait of yours into a woman who can stand up for the truth and for those who can't stand up for themselves.

Sweet baby girl, I am so thankful God has let me be your mommy. I can't wait to see how your sweet disposition, tender heart, and sense of order/rightness come together as you get old.

I love you so much,
Mom

I'm rocking my baby

I've been fighting a little bit of guilt lately when it comes to how much time I spend with Shepherd.  When Inara was a baby I would read her books, sing to her, get down on the floor for tummy time, or just hold her and talk to her. And well sometimes I just feel like I am just keeping Shepherd alive and he only gets attention when he cries for food or sleep. It seems that as soon as I am done feeding him, Inara has to pee or its time to eat.  Or the dishes need done, or there are no clean underwear for any of us in the house, or baths to be had, or ______ (fill in the about a million other things).  And then there are times when I actually do have time to be with him...and I just don't feel like it...I just want to sit, or sleep, or work on something for me...

I feel guilty because I wonder if he will know the sound of the music on  his mat or swing more than the sound of my voice...because that is where he spends most of his awake time.  And in full disclosure here...sometimes I worry that all the laying around will give him a flat head and then he will need a helmet...and then the whole world will know where my baby spends all his time. Even though I know that is not the only way babies need to wear helmets

Sorry this post is a downer, I am just trying to be real.  Last night while I was putting Inara down for bed, Shepherd started crying.  I went to get him off his mat...he was covered in spit up :(  I just felt so bad he was laying there in curdled milk.  I changed his clothes and brought him into Inara's room to do bed time stuff.  Afterwards, we plopped down on the couch together and I just stared, squeezed, kissed, sang to, and kissed him some more.  And then I remembered a line from a little poem "I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep".  Here is the full poem:

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.


Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.




Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.


The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.





The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

This is so hard though because I can't just not do my job.  But Justin doesn't expect an immaculate house (which is good because I can't deliver!), so I need to cool it.  I think I will try to only do house work during nap time/bed time.  Because I already know how quickly both my babies are growing up and how I'll never get this time with them again.  So I'm going to try to rock my babies...because my babies won't keep.

How do you juggle multiple kiddos and the housework?--Not a rhetorical question, I need some help people! :)

*This post was supposed to end here.  But minutes after I finished writing I spoke with my friend Katie.  She was the breath of fresh air my heart needed to hear.  After she let me cry and tell her my sob story, she then told me truth. Truth. The truth is...I do hold Shepherd a lot...just not as much as I want to. The truth is...He is not neglected and is just fine. The truth is... God has blessed me with a great husband who isn't demanding, is super helpful, and could care less if the house looks like a war zone.  The truth is... Inara is just fine too. She isn't being ignored.  And even when she has to wait on me to take care of Shepherd she isn't getting jealous or mad.  The truth is...it is good for both of them to learn that life isn't all about them.  The truth is...I am fine too. It's ok to struggle with this new life. It is ok to want a little time to my self.  It is ok to cry and be hormonal and be real.  But since neither God nor my husband have unattainable, unreasonable, or impossible requirements for me...I can do life well.  So I will try to remember these truths and pray that God will give me the grace and mercy to do this new life I have well.  I'll pray I can love him well by taking care of Inara and Shepherd to the best of my ability. I'll pray to be reminded not to expect things from my self that my Savior and my husband don't expect of me.  And I'll pray that God will help me be reminded of truth in the peaks and valleys of this hormonal roller coaster I seem to be riding.

First Visitors

Things have been a little crazy around here (feeding a starving baby every 3 hours and a busy toddler) and I realized I didn't get to post many any pictures that we took at the hospital and the visitors we had.  So here they are. He has changed so much already! :(

Inara holding Shepherd for the first time

Kissing him

Mawmaw time

She really loved him right away

Uncle Ben

Getting ready to go home

Catching a quick snooze while he was getting some tests

Wow look at all those pictures again I am so surprised/sad because of how different he already is...my baby is growing up! :(

Inara has some pretty hilarious and sweet things to say about her baby brother :)

The first time my parents showed her his picture before they came to see us she said "Awe! Picture perfect!"

While at the hospital, my parents took Inara to the cafeteria. She didn't eat much and apparently kept saying "I wanna see my baby!"

She also told my parents that when Shepherd was sad, she would give him Big One so he could suck on his tag. (This is a big deal because he is her best friend)

I also caught her telling him "Hi, I'm your family".

I may have met my match

Yesterday I got a tiny glimpse of what my future parenting of Inara might look like...it might not be pretty folks :) She might be is definitely just as stubborn if not more stubborn as I am.  After my previous post, I did realize I will not have a pristine house (which is ok) however there are things I can do to make it just a little less crazy. So today I implemented one of them. Its simple enough (not sure why it took me so long to do).

Inara got out some of her princess toys and was playing with them in the living room for a little while. Then she wanted to go into her room and play with squinkies.  I told her that before she moves on to a new toy she needed to clean up her princess stuff.  She told me she didn't want to.  I didn't want to make it into a big deal, so I just gave her the option...clean up her princess toys and then play with squinkies OR keep playing with princess toys. She played with her princess toys ALL DAY LONG. No books, no puzzles, no playing in her room...princesses!

She took her princesses to school, to the doctor, they were a family, and even went to Target :)  She was super creative with her toys, but it also was so telling about her stubbornness.  I was kind of preparing for a battle at bedtime when she was going to HAVE to clean up those toys. But to my surprise she cleaned them up right away.  We'll see how today goes! :)

I was wrong...

*Warning this post is a little all over the place...my apologies in advance :)

I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy with Shepherd being excited, but nervous and scared too. Everyone says you will love your second child just as much as your first, but honestly I had a hard time imagining that. How could it be? I loved Inara so much. She was my first and I still considered her my baby. How could my heart possibly make room for loving another child as much as I loved her.

Then on January 26th, Shepherd was born and immediately placed on my chest. I stared in awe at this beautiful baby that God had blessed me with.  He is a beast and eats ever 2.5 hours around the clock. Sometimes he eats every 2 hours, and every once in a while (like last night), he gets famished and I have to give him a bottle because he simply can't wait 2 hours to eat.  I am tired, but God is so good to provide LOTS of help, LOTS of grace, and LOTS of love for this newest member of the Duke family.

I'll blame this emotional post on my lack of sleep, hormones, and the fact that I have watched 3 seasons of Parenthood in 2 weeks :)  When Inara was in the NICU I sang the same few songs over and over again to her: Jesus Messiah, Might to Save, Jesus Loves Me, and Come Thou Fount.  I haven't really sung many songs to Shepherd because I kind of feel like I am cheating on Inara by singing her songs to him (I know...like I said...the hormones).  Today I was watching Parenthood while nursing Shepherd I heard "To Make You Feel My Love". I started singing it to him while I was changing his diaper and he just stared up at me...and I may have lost it :)  I know the song is more of a romantic love song, but I dunno. I guess I just looked down at him there, my miracle baby who is quickly outgrowing newborn clothes and diapers, and pictured him on his wedding day.  I want to spend every day until then making sure he knows how much I love him.

And then I started thinking about how big Inara is and how I am so blessed to be her mom.  How I am sad she doesn't fit curled up on my chest anymore, but how its amazing to hear her independently say "I love you" or run up and kiss/hug me for no reason.  Everything is different with Inara and Shepherd. EVERYTHING. I didn't have this lovey dovey feeling with Inara. But loving her and seeing how much my heart is capable of loving her has paved the way for loving Shepherd.

Children are a blessing and gift from the Lord 

Psalm 127:3

Oh Jesus. I deserve nothing, but you give so freely. I am so incredibly blessed with 2 kids who have stolen my heart. I can't believe I once actually thought kids ruin your life. I couldn't be further from the truth and I am so thankful you have proven my wrong. What a wonderful way to be wrong. Thank you Jesus for the blessing of being their mom.  Please help me remember the truth of this scripture when I don't feel blessed. I love you so much. I can't believe you gave up your own son whom you love so much, for a wretch like me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

Growing up

These past couple weeks Inara has grow up so much! I keep saying "she's not a baby anymore". I remember people telling me to enjoy every minute because it goes by so fast....wow they were right! About a week ago, Inara woke up and was unhappy so I tried to console her and cuddle her (which she loved to do), only to find that she was NOT interested in being cuddled. It was sad :( She is far too interested in what is going on around her to cuddle with mom. I know it is a good thing, but just a little weird that she is already growing up and I don't' have a cuddly baby anymore.

She also is MUCH more vocal these days. Last night she was playing quietly on her little mat. Justin and I started to have some time with God. Inara started talkin up a storm. She was SOO loud. She was screaming and talking, but it was all happy noises. And wouldn't you know, as soon as we were done reading and started talking back and playing with her....she stopped :) It was like she was saying "Hellloooo what about me? Come play with ME". And just this morning she started screaming a very high pitched scream....ouch! It is playful still, but very loud nonetheless. She is also immitating us a LOT more.

Just today so much she has "said". I was talking to her and I said "Inara, Inara", to get her to look at me. She turned looked at me...and I SWEAR she said Inara. It was crazy! Even my friend noticed. I was laying down with her on the floor and saying colors. She was holding a yellow toy, so I say "Yellow", over and over again, then she said it too. It was so crazy and so sweet! I just love her to much. Its crazy how excited you can get over something so small!

Here is her official 5 month pic taken from Portrait Innovations.



Here is a picture I took at home in my FAVORITE outfit she has. My BFF Katie made it for her for one of my showers...and yes I still have a BFF.

She also made a matching hat that says her name, but I couldn't get any good shot of it with her name on it while she was wearing it

She has also made some big strides in sleeping. We recently started feeding her every 3.5 hours instead of every 3 and thanks to another friend we figured out how to drop her late night feeding. So currently she is sleeping 10 hours! Go girl! Ahh...my little babe. She is growing up!

Big girl!

This week has been really fun with Inara! She has ALMOST rolled over. I never thought I would be so excited for her to ALMOST do something so small like rolling over. Makes me wonder how happy I will be with her first words, first day of school, if she trusts Christ, gets married, has kids of her own etc. INSANE! Here is a pic of her on her side...she is almost there!


Also in this week she started baby food! Its really funny because she doesn't really know what to do with it. Most of the time she just smiles and then it all comes out. Hopefully she will figure it out soon and start eating it! :)


She is just a little sweetie. She is ALWAYS smiling...I mean always. She is smiling and giggling when I feed her. Which is particularly funny to see this big bottle in her mouth, but see her sweet little smile and hear her laugh behind the bottle. We just love her so much! She is super fun!

Sweet little sinner

So Friday Inara had her 4 month checkup. I CAN'T believe she is already 4 months. Everyone says it flies...and they are right. It was SO sad. She had to get 4 shots. 2 were scheduled, 1 because they forgot to give it to her last time, and 1 new one to keep her from getting RSV. It was just awful! It even made Justin sad. She was crying so hard that no sounds were even coming out. That day she was pretty cranky and got a fever (all normal side effects of the vaccines). They only way she was happy was to be held. We normally don't let her get away with that, but the fact she got 4 shots was a big deal...so we held her all day. luckily though she did sleep in her bed, and 8 hours at that!

The next morning she seemed to be a little happier, but still feverish. By the afternoon she seemed fine so we took her to a wedding...big mistake! She wasn't a happy camper. During the ceremony she was quiet (phew, I didn't want to be "that" family with the crying baby in the middle of a wedding). But she got feverish again and cranky too. And to add on to that, it was pretty loud and people wanted to hold her so she was passed around a lot. We decided to leave pretty early. We figured that if we weren't feeling good, we wouldn't' wanna be there either. The rest of that day and Sunday she seemed to be feeling bad so we rocked with her and held her.

But yesterday, we found out what happens when you hold a baby for 3 days straight...they don't get too happy when you put them down. After her bottle, I would lay her down on the mat to play (because Mom has gotta eat too...ya know?), but she didn't like that too much. So after eating I would play with her for a bit...then nap time. Yeah right! As SOON as she was in her crib..screaming. I let her cry for about 1/2 hour then it got real crazy and loud and screeching. So I went to try to comfort her. It worked...wouldn't you know as SOON as I picked her up she seemed to stop. :) We played this game every feeding. Until she went to bed. (sleeping another 9 hours...yay!)

She really is such a sweetie. She loves to snuggle, is super happy, and I just love her SO much. That being said, I can see the truth in Psalm 51:5. She is only a few months old and already I see this at work. When I first heard some one describe babies using this verse...I was all like "nuhuh! babies are cute and sweet and innocent". It was a sermon by Mark Driscoll. He made a lot of good points and the one that really stuck with me is this. You don't have to teach a child how to break the rules and be bad. They KNOW how to do that. Our job as parents is to teach them NOT to break the rules (among many other things). Seeing Inara in the light how she was sinful from my womb, gives me hope. The fact is, I WAS SINFUL FROM MY MOTHER'S WOMB. BUT GOD, being rich in mercy saved me from my bleak future without him. My hope for Inara's future HAS to be in Christ and not Justin and my awesome parenting skills (which we lack greatly).

Today I think she is back to her "not having to be held every second" self. I just put her down for a nap and she only cried about 5 minutes. :) Hopefully as we train her, we will be equally relying on God's help to save her.

Bath Time

Today Justin gave Inara a bath. She loves baths, but hates getting out of them. Here are some pics. It is funny though because she ALWAYS cries when I get her out, but she loves her Dad so much, she was all smiles for him.



She is becoming such a chub...I love it :)

3 Months!

Inara is now 3 months old! She is so much fun these days. She is able to hold her head up a lot more and smiles a lot now. It is funny though because she will be smiling for a long time, and as SOON as I whip out the camera...smile...GONE. It is driving me nuts because she has the sweetest biggest smile. The ones I have captured on camera are nothing compared to the real thing. Here are some pics from our photo shoot.





Also this little babe slept 6 hours last night! WOOOHOO. Lets hope for a repeat performance tonight. :)

Newborn

The past week has been SO fun! Inara is really awesome these days...not that she wasn't before. She is spending more time awake, which is super fun. She is also making cute little baby sounds and following objects with her eyes! She is 11 weeks old, but developmentally only 2 weeks old. She is really acting like a newborn finally! Also she gained 12 ounces in 4 days and now weighs 8lbs 1 oz. We just love her so much, and I love to cuddle her!

Here are a few of my favorite pics!

Due date

So today is my EDD (estimated due date). It is so funny to think I would still be preggo. So weird. I was thinking yesterday about everything. Yesterday Inara turned 2 months, and today is my EDD. How different things could have turned out. I have been so thankful that we both ended up healthy and alive! It is crazy to think of the potential that Justin could have buried his wife and daughter. Praise God for his plans for us. With all that being said, I have been wanting to write down the birth story of Inara. I think it would be so great to share it with her every year, as a constant reminded to us all of how blessed we are by God. And I also figured there may be some peeps out there that would like to know the whole story. So here it goes...it's pretty long. So if you know the story...no need to continue reading (unless you wanna thank God for saving us both).



Sunday, November 15th we had some friends over to watch football and clip coupons together (well the girls couponed). Around 8pm I started getting a headache and blurred vision, which I know is a sign of high blood pressure or preeclampsia . I took my blood pressure at home and it was like 150's/90's, which is bad. My pre-pregnancy BP was like 100/60. So I proceeded to freak out. I checked it in a few minutes and it went up (I'm sure my stressing made it go sky high). It was now 170/100. So I called my OB on call and he told me to go to the L&D triage. There they laid me down and checked her heart...she was fine. And seemingly so was I. They drew some labs and everything came back normal. They sent me home on bed rest and told me to follow up Tuesday with more labs and my OB at the office.

Tuesday I get my labs done and go to my OB. All my labs came back fine. They were only waiting on one more. My doctor said he was sure the other would be fine, so I could go back to work and be off bed rest. So as soon as I left, I called my office and told them I was back in the game for the rest of the week. As SOON as I got off the phone with my boss, the doctor called me and told me he got my other lab report back and surprisingly it was no good. He wanted me to go to the hospital right away and get a steroid injection. I knew from nursing school that this medicine helps the baby's lungs mature faster in case the baby needed to come early. I really wasn't that worried because I felt fine. So back to bed rest it was. I had another follow up appointment with my OB on Thursday November 19th.

Thursday morning my dad drove me to the hospital to get my labs done (again). We decided to stop by First Watch for some breakfast. By the time I ordered I started feeling really crappy. I thought I was gonna either throw up (which I had never done in my adult life) or I just had really bad gas. I went to the bathroom, but started to feel worse and neither one of those was the problem. I went out to the booth where my dad was sitting and laid down in the seat. I am sure the people around me thought I was crazy, but I felt horrible. I just knew something wasn't right. I called my awesome hubby, who said I should call the doctor. So I called the office and spoke to a nurse to describe my symptoms (epigastric pain and shortness of breath). She told me to just wait until my appointment at 2pm that day. I said no way Jose, and told her I either needed to see a doctor right away or go to the L&D triage. So she got me an appointment right away :)

My Daddy drove me to the office where Justin met me. I was SOOOO uncomfortable, I couldn't sit still. Pacing didn't help...nothing did! Finally they called me back and I saw one of the Physicians. He looked at my labs from just a few hours prior...he said I would be having this baby soon, probably in the next couple of days. I started to cry. I knew it was too early for her to come. I wasn't ready...she wasn't ready. But the pain really kicked in and I couldn't even focus on worrying because of the pain. They sent me to St. Elizabeth, where a different doctor checked me out. They gave me some medicine to keep my BP down and to keep me from having a seizure (which is a risk with preeclampsia). St. E doesn't keep babies born under 32 weeks (I was 31 weeks 1 day), so they sent me to Good Samaritan Hospital. God was so great to me in the ambulance ride. It was very bumpy and cold, but it was the ONE time where I was pain free.

We arrived at GSH triage and they hooked me up to monitors and drew more blood. Basically they thought I was going into HELLP Syndrome, so they were checking my labs frequently to see if it was getting worse. The only "cure" is delivery. Since I was so early, they wanted to keep me preggers as long as possible. I met with the OB at GSH, he was SO great- Dr. Voss. He was VERY reassuring about their NICU, and had the best bedside manner. They were gonna do a BPP to check on her and see how she was doing.

Well on the way to get the U/S, I started puking my guts up. It was horrible. I was in the hallway in the wheelchair when I got sick. But the staff was so awesome there! They were fast to get me a garbage can and some water to rinse out my mouth. Even the U/S tech was great. She gave us the pics and let me lay in the bed until the transporter came back. So they took me to a room...semi-private might I add. As soon as I got in the bed...puking again. I felt so bad for my roommate, I'm sure she didn't' wanna hear me yakking and moaning from the pain. The nurse brought me in medicine for my nausea, and TYLENOL for pain. If I wasn't so sick I would have argued, because Tylenol is metabolized in the liver and I was having liver problems so shouldn't have had it. Oh well...I was too sick to fight back.

The residents came in and said they will be drawing my blood a few more times to see how things are going. I think I dozed off for about 5 minutes, when they came back. They said my labs have gotten a lot worse and I was gonna have to deliver that night...they were calling in Dr. Voss. Once again tears came, but they left just as fast this time too. I had to sign consents and get prepped. Justin was so great to remind me things would be fine, God was in control.

So into the OR, I went for my emergency C-section (hilariously I wanted a natural childbirth, OH WELL!). I don't remember much because I started to freak out because I wanted to move my legs and I couldn't because of the epidural. And I was shaking like a crazy woman. So the Anesthesiologist gave me Versed which I know would make me go night night. I do remember they were listening to Christmas music, and "Sleigh Ride" was playing when she was born (fun fact). Next thing I remember I am in recovery and SO parched. The nurse said I could only have ice chips, but being the wonderful nurse/patient I am, I ignored her rule and took a few drinks of Justin's drink.

Phew! What a day it was. I went from hoping to be off bed rest at 7 am, to delivering our little lady at 7pm. I did get to see her in the NICU that night. They rolled me past her incubator on my way to my room. I remember she was holding my finger. It was great. So much to be thankful for. So much to remember and praise God for.

Our little lady

I have been a bad blogger lately. It's amazing how much time it takes to take care of a little one! I have to feed her, change her, and then pump every 3 hours. It seems by the time I am finished pumping it is nearly time to start the cycle all over. Hopefully she learns how to eat right, then I can cut the pumping out of my schedule. Pumping is really starting to get to me. It costs about $80/month to rent. I know my milk is SO much better for her than formula...that is why I keep going. I think I have decided that if she can't figure out how to nurse properly by the time I go back to work (February 15th), then I will evaluate how long I can/will be able to do this. For now, I just keep trying (which is exhausting).

Yesterday we got a LOT of bills in the mail. For her 12 days at GSH, we were billed nearly 70K. Praise God for insurance! But with insurance we still own about 3k. And that is just one bill. We haven't even received the bill for her St. Elizabeth stay which was a week longer. I am thankful that hospital bills don't charge interest. We have that going for us! But once again, I am reminded we have much more going for us. CHRIST! I know that he didn't bring us this far to abandon us. And even if something crazy happened and we couldn't pay the bills and lost our house, we would still never be alone. He promises to never leave us, phew! (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Inara had her 2 month checkup this week. She weights 6.5 lbs. YAY! She is such a chub lately. I think we have increase how much we give her by 1 ounce in just the past week. Here is proof of her chubbiness. I love this picture SO much, I think it is my fav!



When she was d/c from the hospital they told us we have to wake her up every 3 hours (even through the night) to feed her. Well this week I received the OK to let her sleep through the night if she wants. I am so excited. She hasn't decided to do that yet, but at least she has the option now! O, the days of 12 hours of sleep. That seems so insane right now. I mean really?! I am functioning on way less now, makes me wonder what I could have done with those extra hours had I been awake.

I know I am not getting much solid sleep, so I don't' feel bad for "sleeping" until noon. Because I only get about 2 hours of consecutive sleep in a row. However, I have been feeling convicted about how I spend my awake time. I am so tired physically that I don't wanna do anything else. Clean,laundry,cook. But even more than that I don't wanna be exhausted emotionally, so I chose to check out. I don't think about God, I just wanna lay around and watch TV (even though I am pretty sure I have seen EVERY episode of "Law and Order: SVU". It is ridiculous logic, but I guess I think avoiding God will make it better. How insane is that? Avoiding the ONE person in my life who is always there for me, and knows EXACTLY how I feel. I do strange things huh?

I was reading a friends blog and realized I was not only neglecting God, but neglecting my home also. OUCH! So with God's grace, I will be trying to be more disciplined with my days/time. I am going to try to make a daily to-do list, and a weekly one too. Hopefully it will allow me to prioritize my time better. I am going to try to do audits of my time so I can see what my big time wasters are. I was reading Proverbs today and was really struck by one verse. Proverbs 14:1 - "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down". I need to make building our house one a strong foundation, Christ, a priority. I don't think I have started to tear down our house (yet), but I don't want to either! Once again with God's grace and wisdom, I will be able to figure out what this means for the Duke home, and how to do it best!

Late night....

So it seems that I always have stuff to think of and update the blog at like 3 am while I am either pumping, feeding, or holding Inara. Which is funny, because I can't update at that time. Last night I had all these great ideas of what to write...but now they are gone.




Well our little lady got weighed yesterday at CCHMC and weighs in at 5 lbs 13 oz. Woah baby. It's really funny because the premie clothes are too small but the newborn ones are ginormous. Yesterday we went to see a Lactation Consultant at CCHMC. It went really well. She is learning how to eat, but it will probably still be a while. I am just so thankful though. I was starting to get scared that she would never learn and I would be pumping forever.



Last night was our first "rough night". It's funny though. We have been so blessed this far. Inara has been home 2 weeks. 1 rough night in 2 weeks isn't bad...I really can't complain. Plus it was another opportunity for God to show Himself to us. In our parenting class they talked about parental assessment and prayer when your baby is crying. Well last night she was pretty fussy. She was acting like she was hungry, but would just spit out the bottle/milk as soon as we gave it to her. So we layed her down in her crib and prayed. I prayed for wisdom and God was true to his word and delivered. (If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him- James 1:5). I am so thankful God's word does not come back void!



Friday Inara has an eye appointment to make sure her eyes are fully developed and she doesn't have any vision problems...they said the appointment could last 2 hours! I couldn't even doing an eye exam for 2 hours, so this should be interesting to see how she does.



She is having more awake time now, which is super fun. And super hard to put her down so she can sleep. I love being a parent with Justin. I am so happy and blessed by God that he is my partner in all of this!

Home for the Holidays!

The time has come! Inara is finally home! :) She actually came home on the 22nd, but things have been a little crazy around here, so it's taken me a while to update. She is doing really good. Adjusting to being at home with us, and we are adjusting to her. She has a doctors visit Christmas Eve, and all is well! She weighs 5lbs 1 oz. What a chunk huh? I really like her doctor, she spend about an hour and a half just asking questions and getting to know her. SO NICE! She has to go once a week just to make sure things are going ok. So far so good!



Christmas was different for us. We have been told by multiple medical professionals to keep her home for a while and to not overwhelm her little immune system with a ton of visitors. Basically until the end of flu season. I know a LONG time! At first I was kind of bummed to miss my family's Christmas, but what better present than a healthy baby at home :)



Speaking of Christmas...Last night I woke up to change/feed Inara. It got me thinking how CRAZY it was for the God of the universe to humble himself and come down to have a lowly human body. But not just that, he was a baby. He pooped in his diaper, cried when he was hungry, and spit up on his mom. WOW! To think God would do all that to be with me?! How crazy. Having Inara at home, made me think of His birth way different. I am thankful God has chosen us to be her parents. I hope in the many years to come, he will reveal similar things to us through parent-hood.

My friend Katie and her husband Matt have offered to come to our house Sunday mornings after they go to church, so Justin and I can go together (since we can't take her there). What a blessing. We have had so many people offer their services and help. It is truly a blessing and honor to be a part of the body of Christ and be served in such an amazing way.

Holy moly...1 month old!

Wow, I totally can't believe it. Our baby girl is 1 month old today! It's craziness. This month has gone by fast, but also so slow. This week we had such a good time snuggling together, it was so hard to put her down. I stood up to put her away, and then just stood there holding her for a few more minutes. The nurse asked if I needed anything...nope. I just wanted to hold a little while longer. Sometimes I think when she comes home, I'll never put her down. I'm sure after a few days, I will. But those 1st days of uninterrupted time will be marvelous!

We walked into the nursery today to find our beautiful girl with her oxygen off...again. Hopefully this time it stays off. They took it off last night and as of this afternoon she was doing fine without it. Also she now weighs 4.5lbs! YAY, what a big girl! :) We had a good time visiting with her today. Justin fed her and then we just stared at her. It was fun because she was awake and was looking at us.



Later I came by with my parents, and something awesome happened. She was facing my parents and I was on the other side. I started talking to her and she turned her head to look at me...ahhh. Talk about melting my heart! It was really cool to be at the hospital with my parents. About 2 years ago, I wasn't sure my Dad would live a few hours longer. God showed us and literally saved him from the grave. Now he gets to see his grand-daughter (he calls her little papoose).

It would be great if she came home for Christmas, but once again. I want her to come home on God's timing and not mine.

Our little chunk!

So as of last night it is official! Inara has passed the 4 pound mark and now weighs...wait for it...a whopping 4lbs 2.5 oz. She gained almost 3 ounces in one day. She is a champ!



Speaking of her being a champ, Saturday the nurse told my parents that the doctor wanted to send her home the next day, or Monday. WHAT THE WHAT?! I about had a heart attack. We had no car seat, and had only fed her by our selves a few times. When we went to visit on Sunday, something terrifying/good happened. When I was feeding her, she stopped breathing and was blue. I sat her up and patted (more like pounded), her back. Then the nurse came and took her away to give her some oxygen, she started breathing again (and so did I). This REALLY scared Justin and I. It's like I know CPR, but we don't have oxygen at home to give her. The nurse suggested I "room in" (aka stay the night in the Nursery) with her, and do all her feedings. I agreed. I was scared she would do that again!

But once again, it scared me, but God knew what was going on. When I came back to the hospital that night the MD was there and the nurse and I explained what happened. Apparently it happened again while the nurse was feeding her too. He agreed that she actually was NOT ready to go home...and Justin and I weren't ready either. So for now, she stays! What a blessing this scary little episode was. I am thankful that it happened there before she came home, so that they could see she was not ready. It gives me SO much peace to know, that even though the doctors think they know what is best, ultimately Christ (the great physician) truly is in control of her life, and thankfully ours too! Go GOD!

This picture is for Lewis. Dad and Inara napping together. I think the 1st of many!


Visual proof of her 6th right toe!

3 weeks!

Today marks Inara as 3 weeks old! My mom went to visit her today after work and informed me she now weighs 3 lbs 13.2 oz. What a chunk huh? Justin and I joke about how big she is getting and SO fast too. Like today when I told him how much she weighs he said "she is growing up right before our eyes". To which I replied "before you know it she'll be buying her own house". I like him lot.

They did have to put her back on oxygen and they put the NG tube back in, but it's ok. I am SO VERY thankful I got to see her little face without tubes, even if it was just for 1 day. I know that this doesn't mean she is doing worse, it is what is best for her.

Today my visit with her was bitter-sweet. I gave her the bottle (she drank it all, like a champ), snuggled with her for a bit, and put her down for the rest of her nap. It was such a precious time, and I just LOVE Kangaroo Care. I know it sounds funny to say, but she just seemed sad. It was hard to leave, because I felt so bad for her. She just had this tiny little grimace on her face the whole time. :( My mom said when she was there she was wide awake and smiling. I am sure she was indeed, not sad, but it was hard none the less.

Today during our time I read a chapter of "The Hiding Place", by Corrie Ten Boom. If you have not read this book, I HIGHLY recommend it. I also sang a few songs to her. I can't wait for her to come home and be able to spend time with her free from medical jargon and monitors beeping!