Fasting and Lent

"Lent is a time for discipline, for confession, for honesty, not because God is mean or fault-finding or finger-pointing, but because he wants us to know the joy of being cleaned out, ready for all the good things he now has in store."--excerpt from my "Lent for Everyone" devotion.

I always thought Lent was just for Catholics. They were the only ones I knew who every talked about it. And honestly, all I knew was that my catholic friends in high school would come in from ash Wednesday with a cross on their forehead, give up cussing or sugar until Easter, and not have meat on Fridays.  I had been thinking more about Easter and trying to make it just as big of a deal in our home as Christmas. I mean its super great that Christ was born, but would be useless unless he died and then rose from the dead. So I started reading this little Lent devotion on my phone as a way to prepare my heart and help build the excitement in our home for Easter.

Today's reading was very convicting.  I have been trying to fast since the beginning of the month. You can read more about it here and here. It went pretty good for a few weeks, but then recently I have not been doing well. I have only had one coke, and about 2 or 3 "sugary" things.  But each time it is a battle I lose, and I feel disgusted. Not like "ew I'm disgusting for eating that, now I need to go throw up". It's like I just feel like I WANT those things I feel like I should have them. So I ignore my truth and instead give in.  Then I feel disgusted that anything (especially food) could have so much control over me. Then I get mad because I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want!  I know that eating sweets is not a sin, but when I have not enough self-control to pray when I feel tempted during my fast (which God tells us to do)...that is.

So reading that devotion and Psalm 32 to go along with it, was just the breath of fresh air I needed. 

"Blessed whose transgression is forgiven whose sin is covered"-- in order to be free of the weight of my sin, I MUST confess it.

"For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long."-- I have been so numb but also weirdly emotional lately. I know it was God's "heavy had upon me" so I would turn to him.

My original plan to was to fast for 1 month. Well, obviously I am going to keep fasting as God really is using it to show me the depths of my sinful heart and the even deeper depth of his glorious grace and forgiveness. Once I can truly spend 1 whole month praying and fasting...then I will re-evaluate how much longer I will do it. I still feel my selfish/sinful nature lingering in my heart...thoughts of "but what about this wedding. I LOVE wedding cake. I could just have one piece, right?".  But then I remember Jesus as he quoted scripture to satan "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God".  This is going to be REALLY hard for me. But I am 100% positive, without a doubt, sure that abstaining from that piece of cake to reflect on how much sweeter Christ is and feast on His goodness will be much better and more fulfilling to me....here we go again! Prayers greatly appreciated!

Food for thought

So its been 5 days since I've had a sugary drink or caffeine.  I guess I have never had this kind of experience before and I'm glad I am.  While I have been "good" about keeping my fast, the Lord is so gracious to me to show me how sinful my heart really is.  My friend sent me this worksheet on fasting and it really helped to put into words the state of my heart.

1.  What did you hear God saying to you during your time of prayer and fasting?  Its funny, because I fasting bionically is always linked with prayer or worship...and I've done neither.  Probably why its been so hard.  God has shown me, how I REALLY do only need him. And how I DON'T "Hunger and thirst for righteousness" and there for I am NOT satisfied. I really didn't see how food played such a vital role in my happiness. It's humbling but I am thankful for God making it clear to me.  For example, this morning I went to the Zoo...well tried to. I got all the way there and forgot my pass. I drove home, got my pass, and needed gas. So I got gas...and a little "pick me up"...a Nutty bar and some juice.  And shamefully as soon as I started eating my snack...I felt better. I wasn't as annoyed or frustrated...God showed me that was bad.  I know God gives us food to enjoy, but not to idolize. I honestly had never thought I did...maybe its because I'm not overweight and super unhealthy...but my heart IS.  God also showed me how ridiculous I am. 


2. What did God bring to light about your own sin? What and how did you see more clearly how you've been sinning against God and others.  God is showing me SO many things about my wicked heart in just these last few days. 

-I am NOT content in my circumstances. Last night we went to quiznos after the gym, and I was honestly pissed that I couldn't have their delicious strawberry lemonade, and had to drink water.  Yes, instantly cold water, that was easily accessible, and I didn't have to walk a days journey for 1 jug to take care of my starving family...and I was upset.  I even snapped at Justin to fix our ice maker because if I HAVE to drink water...I only want it ice cold....diva much.  Looking back on last night I am disgusted...which I guess is good. I want to be changed and not be like the fool described in James 1.  And in light of yesterday and today behavior...I am adding no sweets to my fast.  Not as a punishment, but because I obviously run to sugar in all forms to feel better.

-I run to everything/everyone else first before God.  Yesterday while I was driving I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll about marriage. He said something that really stood out to me "When you idolize someone, then you'll end up demonizing them". Point being when I want someone/thing to be Jesus and it can't..I end up being really mad. Its foolish, idolatry, and pride...great qualities to see in yourself!

I am very thankful that the same God who convicts of sin (NOT condemns Christians) is the same God who empowers to changed. I don't hear him beating me on the head and saying "you loser! you are so selfish and and awful daughter of mine. Just go away". No I hear his tender yet firm voice singing over me saying "come here little flock. I love you and I will change you to be more like me. You can trust me. I will never leave you and I will be with you always. When all the things of the word disappoint. I will not. Come with me. Trust me"...then just as a parent kisses a "boo boo" and makes it all better...so does God.

Desire

*I wrote about half of this on my phone, so excuse the lack of punctuation /capitalization*

So a few weeks ago I read a friend's blog. you can find it here. basically as i was reading it, i felt like most of it could have been written by me. i felt convicted about how much sweet tea/coke i drink. Every month during my special time I think "I needed this caffeine now, but I'll stop later". I never do, then repeat the same reasoning the next month. so i thought about going on a fast briefly, and even told my friend "i just need to pray about it and talk to God first to make sure I have poor motives"... what a load of crap! I had neither prayed for direction or talked it out with God. I just kept suppressing my convictions...ouch seeing that in writing is so ugly.

well one night recently i was laying in bed and out of no where God showed me how the way i thought about my sweet tea/coke was sinful. i used it as an escape at the end of the day thinking "ugh, I've had a bad day...i DESERVE my huge fountain coke". i was spending money unwisely by having my drink nearly everyday. it went from something sweet to have as a treat, to something i had to have. so think about this, if i felt this way about having alcoholic beverages...i would be diagnosed as an alcoholic.  When Go showed that to me, I saw my behavior for the first time for what it truly was...sin. I was relying on something created instead of the creator...gross.

So as of Friday January 27th, I am sweet tea/coke/sugary drink free. I decided to fast not only from tea and coke, but also other sugary drinks because I think the problem in my heart would still exist.  I plan to fast for 1 month. I told Justin about it too and its helpful to have his accountability.  Feel free to ask me how I am doing, and hopefully I can tell you of how God is helping to fix my sinful heart!