Being Depressed

Well if that isn't the most exciting title, I don't know what is?!  Just kidding. I've been away from my blog for a while. 1) Its really hard to keep up with these days. Who knew having a second kid would add so much more work. 2) I feel like I've not had really anything great to write. Then tonight Justin encouraged me to blog about how I've been depressed lately.  So I'm submitting to him, and here we are.

Anyways, about a month ago, something changed. It wasn't a specific thing that happened, but I noticed all the joy in my life was gone.  I wanted to sleep all day, I wasn't eating, and I wanted to sleep some more. I've always wanted to stay home with my kids, but found my self longing for work days, counting down the hours until Justin would be home with me, and looking for ways to leave the house. I didn't want to do anything. Go out. See people. Cook. Eat. Clean. All I wanted was sleep.

One day I was in the kitchen and just burst into tears because I had to do the dishes.  Seriously folks, I'm a pretty stellar human being :)  I found my self CRYING OVER THE DISHES.  I thought, that surely there was something more important, more Godly, with more eternal significance, than doing dishes, changing diapers, cooking food.  I would think about my day at work, how I SAW what I did, and how it mattered. I could see how bringing coffee to a tired mom, made a difference.  How praying for a friend and sending an encouraging text meant something. But, this? Snotty noses, dirty counters, and laundry? What was I doing? Did it matter? Add some "mommy guilt" and I was feeling top notch.  

I thought, "Oh my gosh. Why am I thinking these things? Something is wrong, this isn't me. I love my kids and being at home." And I was right. Something was wrong, but that IS me. That IS who I am without Christ. Depressed. Unmotivated. Angry. Impatient. Unkind. Unloving. Selfish. I was being me. I was ignoring my Savior. And without the love of Christ overflowing in me. There is nothing good in my heart. I'll say it again, because its true. There is nothing good in me. Everything that is good and loving and kind and sweet, is from the Lord. So when I lose sight of who He is, and what He's done for me...my heart is cold and dark and lonely.

By God's grace I confessed my sin, was forgiven, repented and started just doing the next thing.  There still wasn't joy, but I was getting up and moving. Going outside with the kids. Cleaning the 10 cup of the day (Seriously, how do 2 tiny humans use so many cups?!). Meal planning. Reading a book. Playing and interacting.

And you know what else? Without Christ as my focus, life IS depressing. Without working for him, doing the dishes AGAIN is infuriating and insulting. Honoring Christ MUST be my focus, because Shepherd's never going to say "Wow, mom. I'm sorry I smacked you 5 times before 10am today. You look like you need a rest. Go have a nap". When my focus is on the things of this world, my outlook is bleak. BUT, when (by God's grace) I can see past the snot, to the tiny hurting heart that needs a Savior just as much as I do, that is where the work and joy is. Doing the dishes all day long, because I'm loving "the least of these" and therefor loving Jesus.

My sweet, sweet friend Katie gave me these two small prints that fit perfectly by my sink, which is where I spend a lot of my day. It was (and still is) a great reminder that my work matters.  It matters because its been given to me from a loving, perfect, and holy God.

I'd love to say that it's all rainbows and unicorns over here. But I'm still fighting. But. I'm fighting.  I'm choosing to trust God with what he's given me and to obey his calling on my life. It has gotten better. Last week the kids were sick and I was so sad I had to go to work.  But then I was happy, that I was sad. Because that meant I wanted to be home. That meant God was working in my heart.

Playing with the kids has actually been fun, instead of a chore. Wrestling when I'm sleepy didn't make me angry yesterday, it gave me energy. God is good. Being a Mom, is by far the most selfless and hardest thing I've ever, ever, EVER done. But it's also showed me so much about my dark, dirty, heart, and the sweet loving, tenderness of my Savior and my Heavenly Dad. 

Bringing Sexy Back

I walked into the bedroom this morning to grab some stuff to get ready for church.  I looked in the bed and there was a big lump completely under the covers and 3 pillows.  My first thought "This is sexy". It wasn't sarcasm, that was legitimately my first thought.  I'll tell you why it was sexy.  He worked 22 of the past 31 hours.  9 of those hours were overtime.  He has chosen to work doubles on Saturdays, (even though that means about 5 hours of sleep on Friday nights, and about 6ish hours of sleep on Saturday night) so he can have an extra day off to spend with us at home.  Inara. Shepherd. Me. He is choosing us over sleep and comfort. He is sacrificing for his family. He is giving, giving, giving...and that my friends is the definition of sexy.

I see people and Christians posting Instagrams with hash tag #mcm or #mancandymonday.  I always think its weird or whatever, but its more than that. It is a lie.  Ryan Gossling's piercing blue eyes aren't created to love you like Christ loved the church.  Channing Tatum's abs aren't made to sacrifice and show you the love of Christ.  Husbands were. Husbands are sexy.  The fact that Justin always seems to change Shep's poopy diapers....that's sexy and that is #mancandymonday.

Justin is far from perfect, but what if we has wives spoke up for them.  What if we posted pictures of our mowed lawn after a long day at work...#mancandymonday?  What if when you saw that hashtag you saw exhausted husbands and dads (albeit imperfectly) loving their families?  What if teen guys, single dudes, and weary husbands saw what a real man should be? What if girls and women around Facebook and Instagram saw what real men look like?  Lies replaced with truth.  Striving replaced with hope. Ladies, you'll probably never marry a Ryan Gossling or Channing Tatum, (even if you do, he'll get old, fat, and hairy..it's true) but you can stop believing and spreading the lie of what a real man is. Dudes, you'll likely never be Ryan or Channing, but there is hope for you in Christ to be manly, strong, and brave!

Like I said, Justin isn't perfect. Neither am I.  But I am so super thankful that because Jesus saved Justin from his own sin and selfishness, the Gospel is preached in our home.  Inara will grow up seeing an example of a real man.  And, Lord willing, she'll let someone like him love and pursue her.  Shepherd will see what kind of man he can be, in Christ. And, Lord willing, he'll not believe the lie of the world says.

*This is not me saying my husband is perfect. He's not. He's a sinner who needs Jesus just like every other husband and person that ever lived. This is me being thankful for how God is changing him to be more like Jesus*

Here are some pics of what a real man looks like, just for reference :)

I normally have to tell him to take a nap,
because he rarely asks for more rest.

Helping Inara learn about how to embrace how God made her to be feminine,
and how to be content with her looks/clothes at the same time

 I know I don't have a lot of  "followers" but lets blow up Facebook and Instagra, this week by posting about a #realman.  It doesn't have to be a husband or a dad either. I know plenty of dudes who work hard, are courageous enough to turn their eyes away from the magazine rack and the grocery, or who choose to love the lost.  Post your photos this week!  Lets show the world a different kind of man. A real man...one broken for the Lord.

When parenting is hard

Tonight I want to crawl in my bed and hide. I want today to be done and tomorrow to be started new.  I don't want to talk to God about it because I don't want to cry. I'm tired of crying.  But I know that will be futile.

Tonight was the hardest hour of parenting I've had yet.  It was exhausting, depressing, and made me mad too.  Depressing to see someone you love so much, act so foolishly. Mad at her bedtime couldn't just be easy.  It ended well...I guess. But I want to just check out. I don't want to discuss how I feel with God. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I want to hide in my bed, watch stupid crap on TV, and eat a snack.

But. I won't act like my 3 year-old daughter and make foolish choices and cling to my sin. I saw how miserable and upset her foolish choices made her. Yet, I want to do the same thing?  Thankful God is here. God is chasing me down. Not letting me go.  I can't hide from Him even if I want to. So I'll make a wise choice (even though I don't want to) and I cling to him for hope.  Hope that only he can change her heart. Not my parenting. Not more discipline. Not more grace. Not a behavior chart. nope. Only her Creator can remove her cold stubborn heart and give her a tender responsive heart. *sigh of relief*

Even as I typed those words my shoulders sank and I am lighter.  Why do I think I can change her?  I can love her like Christ did. Discipline her and pray she sees her need for a Savior. And pray.

Oh Lord. I need your help. Help to keep loving and keep giving when it hurts.  You are near to the brokenhearted and I pray you break her heart for you.  Remove her heart of stone, rescue her from sin and death, give her a tender responsive heart to your gospel.  I need you. She needs you. Comfort me as I am just really sad tonight. Help my sadness to spur me to continually lay her at your feet...the best place for her to be. Thank you Jesus for living to intercede for me. That I can come boldly and find help in my time of need.  I love you. Thank you for loving me when I act sinfully and selfishly. I'll never know how you can look at me and see Jesus instead of my sinful dark heart, but I'll be eternally grateful for it. Thank you for your mercies that are new each morning. Amen


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How to Start Rotating Toys

Recently a few things have happened that have had me interested in having a system where we rotate toys that are out and able to be played with.

1. Inara's stuff is EVERYWHERE. I find little rings on the carpet, pretend food in the kitchen, princess magazines all over the place.  I instituted a new rule: "If I step on a toy, it's mine".  I really don't mind toys being out, but it was driving me really crazy to step on stuff all day long because it was in the middle of the floor.  She has so many toys, she really didn't even miss the ones I took away.

2. We don't have a lot of space.  Since we don't have closets or a basement, everything just has to be out.  This mean when the all toys are "out" they just end up all over the house because there isn't a place to keep them.

4.  I've been so convicted lately about how much "stuff" we all have in the house.  I find my self thinking "it would be nice to have a toy room if we ever move".  Then I think about what a first world problem that is...not having enough room for toys

3. Did I mention her stuff is everywhere :)

I've been really interested in it for a while but haven't had the time to do it, or money to buy container.  Well this last weekend God was such a good Dad and provided both!  Inara stayed at my parents Saturday night, so I was able to organize the toys while Shepherd was sleeping and Inara wasn't home.  We recently had some stuff given to us for Inara. They gave them to us in old diaper boxes, which just happen to be my favorite kind of box! (For real, I love buying diapers because it means I get a new big box to store stuff in. I'm cool).  We also ordered something from Amazon and got a box from that too.

So I hoped on Pinterest to find some toy rotating tips.  I found this link pinned and it seemed the best to me.   The first thing I did was bring all the toys into the living room. This really just made me sad.  We had so many toys (and really just stuff in our house), are rich by many worldly standards, yet I find myself still wanting more at times.

This also doesn't picture 3 boxes on the floor behind me

So anyway, once I had all the toys out, I organized them into piles.  The Intelligent Nest, suggests piling like items together (all pretend items together, all movement items together, etc). I knew this wouldn't really work for us because most of Inara's toys are pretend toys.  So this is how I organized them (for those of you who really even care): games, stuffed animals, clip princesses, big princesses, Starwars toys, Toy Story toys, musical toys, Squinkies, cars/trucks, Play-doh/creative toys, puzzles, and a random toys pile.  In doing so, I found lots of toys to throw away and even more toys/books to donate. I had 2 boxes to donate or sell because does Inara REALLY need 3 doctor kits? :)

I just chucked toys over the couch into a pile

Most people suggested sorting into 4 piles (one for each week in the month), but I knew the boxes God provided were small, so I opted for 6 piles (so essentially a new box every week for 6 weeks). This what was in my boxes:

Box 1

Minnie's Pet Salon

2 Puzzles

Build-A-Bear doll with accessories

Cookie Monster Play-doh set
Magnetic Princess Book
Big Baby doll

Box 2

2 puzzles
Small soccer ball
Ariel Play-Doh
Princess Cake Squinkies

Dora truck with family

2 puzzles 

Yo Gabba Gabba friends

Box 3
2 puzzles
Small magnadoodle

Starwars Toys 

(including this awesome Leia toy that she LOVES)

Mega Blocks car
Aquadoodle
Princess Cupcake game
(She really loves this game)
4 giraffe stuffed animals

Box 4
3 small puzzles
Toy Story toys
Ariel and chariot

Play-Doh Shake Shop
Small dinosaurs
Stuffed animal dog and accessories
Lego Read and Build

Box 5
1 large puzzles
Large Magnadoodle
Doctor kit
Bowling game
Pink truck
small baby doll
Princess dolls and accessories

Box 6
2 puzzles
Pink convertible car
Candy Jar Play-Doh
Clip Princesses and Aurora's Castle
Sesame Street Memory Game

5 of the 6 piles

I also have some toys that are out all the time and do not get put away.  Her dollhouse and dollhouse family, kitchen and food, small box of random toys, and Squinkie Mansion with some of the squinkies.

I had planned to just keep all the books out, but once I saw all the books we had I decided to separate them into 6 piles too.  Each pile has a couple princess books, a few Sesame Street books, a Thomas the Train book, and then about 4 other books.  I put the books in separate boxes and plan to rotate the boxes every Sunday too.  Right now I have the books in separate boxes as the toys because my toy boxes aren't big enough for both.  But it would be nice to eventually only have 1 box per week with both toys/books.

It's only been a week and I think everything has been going pretty good. Our house and Inara's room are noticeably cleaner and she seems to have enough toys out to play with.  Also, I feel less stressed because even if all her toys for the week are out, our house doesn't look like a total disaster...just a small disaster. :) Justin did have some suggestions so we did change just a few toys that are to be left out the whole time.  I'm hoping this will also show us what toys she actually plays with. That way we can get rid of the toys she outgrown.

Have you guys ever done a toy rotation? Any tips?

"Let the little children come to me"

 God's word does not come back void, right? RIGHT!  Inara asks questions about death and Heaven a lot. It's kind of weird, but not really I guess.  So frequently she'll say "Mom, lets talk about Heaven". Then it becomes my great joy to do so!  One night as we were cleaning up her room, she burst into tears.  Here's how our conversation went down:

Me: Baby! Come here, what's wrong

Inara: Mom! Heaven is just SO far away. And we have to wait a long time until we go there

Me: You're right baby.  But why do you want to go to Heaven?

Inara: Because I want to see Jesus, Mom

I was really so shocked.  I told her about the Holy Spirit and how God is awesome to send us a Helper while we wait for Heaven.  It got me thinking about how Jesus told his followers to let the little children come to him, "for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these".  It was just really awesome to see God's truth being...well...true!

What is something God is showing you in his word that is true? Please share! I really would love to be encouraged!

Finding Grace in the Laundry Room

So if anyone has been paying attention to my Facebook posts, its probably no secret that I am not doing super great.  These hormones of mine are giving me a run for my money. Add that to the fact that we still are figuring out our new schedules, and well lets just say there have been many a tears shed from my eyes.  I haven't posted much "deep" or real stuff happening in my life because honestly I just didn't feel like people wanted to hear about how I'm not doing so great.  Sure, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but I am just not there.  I guess I just figured people wanted some post with some encouraging ending instead of just "Guys, this is hard. I'm trying. I'm failing. I'm sad".

I have plans next week to spend a whole day hashing some things out with God.  Thanks to my hubs and bestie for arranging a kid free day. I plan on going to Potter's Ranch where I can ugly cry out to God all.day.long.  You think I'm kidding? Nope.  I have some major heart issues that need to be tended to.  More on those later.  But today something wonderful really did happen.  God met me as I hid away in the laundry room to cry. I know right?

Inara has been arguing and complaining and whining all.the.time.  Recently it has also come to my attention that I thought my love language was physical touch. I have been shown that is not the case by parenting a child who is always wanting to be near me, on me, or touching me to some capacity.  I was trying to make my grocery list and she kept climbing all over me, stretching a leg across me, laying on my arm (the same arm I was trying to write with).  I kept trying to tell myself "Ok, just breathe. This is a blessing.  She won't be little for long. In 10 years, I'll long for this time where she just wants to be near me". But I'll be honest...that didn't do squat.  I knew I should be thankful and appreciative, and all ooey gooey for her...but I just wasn't. I simply couldn't make myself feel that way.  Instead I sat there, so annoyed that she just wouldn't leave me alone for like 5 seconds.  (I'm telling you, I should probably get mother of the year award right?).  Finally I was done with my list and as I prepared for our trip, it was one more round of complaining/arguing.  I just ran to the laundry room shut the door, and lost it.  "God! Why can't she just obey the first time?  Why does she have to argue with EVERYTHING I ask her to do.  I just want her to say 'Yes, Mom' and do it!".

Immediately the Holy Spirit convicted me.  "Why do you think you deserve her to obey the first time or that you deserve a happy kid? Do you really know what you deserve".  I cried out to God and was thankful that what I do deserve (death, hell, eternal pain/suffering) I don't get, but rather he gives me what I DON'T deserve. He gives Himself, grace, mercy, patience, perfect peace.  I feel like I haven't had a really significant amount of time to sit down and hash stuff out in my heart with God. But God chased me into the laundry room to be with me.  I didn't have to get my heart right first, or pray a super holy prayer, or do anything. It was just him coming after me, disciplining me because He loves me, because I am his. And it was pretty awful/awesome.

Then Inara came in asked me about 20 questions about why I was crying and ran to get me a paper towel to wipe away my tears :)

It was JUST what I needed and JUST in time.  I was really wondering how I was going to make it through the grocery with 2 kids without yelling and screaming.  But God showed up, gave me just enough grace for that moment.  It like "duh". Why don't I run to the laundry room all day long when I just need 2 minutes with my savior.  I guess I still don't get it.  I don't get that I don't have to do anything to be with God, except to show up.  We made it through the store with no kid meltdowns (or mom meltdowns either).

Please know I love Inara so much.  The problems I had with her today (and lately) were because a) she is a toddler and b) I am a sinner.  I try really hard not to bash her in this space. She was behaving like any toddler does, and I was the one behaving inappropriately.  Thank God there is grace for that!

My new wake up time

When I started my new job, I knew waking up at 5am would be hard. But what I didn't realize was how much harder not doing it every day would be!  Justin encouraged me to not sleep super late on my days off because that would make the days I got up for work even harder.  I blew him off because I mean really? I am soo not going to wake up at 5am every day. That is cray cray.

Last week the most wonderful thing happened, I got 6 days in a row off work. They were glorious days jammed packed with super fun things like spending time with my nieces and nephew and a trip to King's Island.  Oh and did I mention I slept until 9:30am at least 3 of those 6 days?  It was a.ma.zing.  Then Wednesday my alarm when off, I dragged my self out of bed, somehow got dressed and headed out the door. I made it through the day amazingly but I felt like death, and honestly I felt just as tired the today. I even needed a nap!

Also my house is a disaster. I know you are probably rolling your eyes, but seriously, think tornado and then a bomb explodes too.  I am tired, my house is a mess, I can barely find time to be with the Lord, and honestly sometimes its 1pm and I realize I haven't even eaten breakfast yet...oops!  I would like to exercise at least a little to be healthy but ain't nobody got time for that!  I have all these "ideas" of doing this bible reading plan, or this daily chore calendar, but honestly I just make it through the day. I roll out of bed when Shepherd or Inara wakes up and I just get through the day. Nothing is accomplished, I always feel behind on everything. I always have the best of intentions to meet with the Lord during Inara's room time, or nap time, or once the kids are in bed. But inevitably, those times come and go, and so does my opportunity to meet with my creator.

So...I've decided. Oh, crap. I don't even want to write it down because then someone might see this and ask me about it! Ok, here it it goes.  I am going to wake up at 5am...every day and even on weekends.  I am pretty terrified I'll fail, quit, or not even start. Honestly, I didn't even want to publish this because I am scared to commit.

But here's the deal. I need and want to do this..really.  A few years ago I did an online bible study through Inspired to Action.  Basically learning to wake up for your kids and not to them.  I realized I need to revisit this idea.  I am waking up when they wake up. I am tired and cranky, which leads to some really stellar parenting and super loving heart ready to pour into my kids life. Oh wait, no that's not how it goes at all.

I know for me waking up before the sun rises (puke!) means going to bed early(barf!). I know I need to do this now, but once the kids are in bed I just finally have "me" time.  I always think I'll do laundry, make a grocery list, or clean. But in reality I end up watching Netflix all evening.  So as a part of my waking up early, I'll be going to bed early too. I saw this quote and it nailed it for me:

"I love staying up late — the quiet, the lack of interruptions, the feeling that I get a couple of extra hours added to my day. The only problem is that I’m borrowing the quality from the next day." --Rachel from Small Notebook

This quote is so true. So instead of staying up later to get in my few hours of alone and quiet time. I am going to bed early, so I can have it in the morning and start my day off right. I am going to spend the weekend planning, making my motherhood mission statement, getting quick exercises I can do quietly, find my earphones so I can listen to my jams while I exercise, and praying....really praying.  I know I can't just will myself to be more disciplined. I need God's help.  Help to start, help to work hard, help to finish well, and help for when I fail.  

So, would you join me? I would love to have someone to text each morning and "check-in" with them.  Even if you aren't up at 5am, we could still hold each other accountable.  Anyone? Anyone?

Being a "Yes mom"

Yesterday, I got home from work I was pretty busy for about an hour. It wasn't a huge deal because Justin was busy pretending with Inara. Then she asked if I could come pretend with them.  As soon as I walked in the room, I was all like "woah, what happened here". All I could see was princesses, playhouses, squinkies, more princesses, multiple modes of transportation, pretend food...the list goes on.  I took a deep breath and found a spot shoved all the toys out of my way, so I could sit down.  We pretended for a few minutes. But I was really too busy cleaning up all the little pieces of her newest favorite Princess Leia toy. I had warned her about 20x since Monday to keep all the pieces together or "you'll loose them all and then be sad". She said "Mommy, be the girl" again. I snapped out of it briefly to pretend for a few moments, only to then begin putting all her dollhouse pieces away.  "Momma, pretend!", she asked again.  Now dinosaurs were joining the party as she dumped out a pouch of dinosaurs on the bed for Luke and Leia to play with.  "Oh no!" I thought...just more crap for me to clean up!

As I heard my self say these things I realized kind of for the first time what I was missing.  I couldn't look past the "mess" of the room to see so many other things going on.  For a rare moment in the day, Shepherd was asleep and the rest of us were home at the same time and could play together.  I was too busy picking up tiny Leia pieces to see how sweetly she plays with her toys and how they all take care of each other.  I was too focused on making MY life easier by keeping all the pieces together, I missed out on actually teaching about how to play responsibly with toys instead of just nagging her.  The dollhouse toys were "crowding" the floor too. I didn't see how creative she plays with them all out at the same time.  It was the same with the squinkies...I saw a mess...she saw pets for Luke and Leia.  I seriously almost lost it when she dumped out the dinosaurs.  I saw more junk instead of being so proud how she correctly named every dinosaur with its proper name.  I saw toy crap everywhere and because I did, I really missed out.  I don't get a lot of time to just sit and play with her. And instead of being present, I was too busy worrying about the "mess".

Source: OttCreatives on Etsy

Before bed I asked Inara if she thought I yelled at her all the time.  She said "No mom. You don't yell". Then I asked her if I say no all the time.  "Not all the time, but you say it sometimes".  I don't think the key to being a good parent is to say "Yes".  Ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Yes! Wanna run with scissors in your hands? Yes!  But I do think that I do need to say yes more. Even if its the "yes" of being present.  Let's be real. Since I work outside of the home I lose 24hours a week to be present with Inara. I want those other hours to count.  To jump at chances to teach, to play, to love, to marvel at the genius kiddo God has loaned to us.

So I am going to try.  Try to not be busy "doing" all day, but to say yes.  Say yes to finger painting even though its so messy and stresses me out.  Say yes to letting her "help" me cook even though its easier to do it myself.  Say yes to taking the time to teach her about chores and responsibility instead of just doing them myself because then I know they are done the way I like them to be.  Say yes...to just being with her.

Am I alone out there?  Do you think its hard to say "yes"?

I had the best day

Today was simple, but I had a really great day on my first Mother's Day to 2 kids. Can I share it with you? Ok, thanks!

It started out wonderful and I got to sleep until 7:30!  I climbed into Inara's bed with her for a few morning snuggles.  We then played with her dollhouse for a while.  This is a new stage for her actually letting me play with her instead of just watching her.  Its fun to see the world through her eyes as she pretends with her dollhouse family.

After about 20 minutes Shepherd woke up.  Let me tell you something.  This little boy has stolen my heart like no one else.  He is just the sweetest thing. So I walk into his room and staring up at me is the sweetest face I've ever seen.  He instantly smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen a baby smile. I scoop him up and shower him with kisses. Side note- I am not sure how I will handle him being too old for me to kiss his chubby neck and cheeks. Justin wakes up we spend semi-uninterrupted time together on the couch. Ps, I really miss him these days.  We get ready for church and we are out the door.

Today was the baby dedication at church.  Our names are called.  We are encouraged by our pastor and I get teary eyed thinking about the 2 tiny blessings in my life. I succeed in not having a complete sob fest in front of the whole church (Thanks Jesus!).  More celebration of new life as we watch 5 or 6 people I don't know get baptized. The great thing is...it doesn't matter that I don't know them.  Seeing people being made new is a beautiful gift and for the second time today, I fight back a complete breakdown.

The rest of the day is spend with Justin, the kids, my parents and we got to facetime with Justin's parents too.  Nothing spectacular, more pretending, more cuddling, LOTS of smiles from my youngest baby, some fun (and not so fun) teaching moments with my oldest baby, and the day ended with bedtime talk about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit....um yeah...trying to explain the Triune God to a 3.5 year old is a bit tricky. But I am so thankful for her inquisitive spirit and even though sometimes it drives me crazy, its a huge blessing and such a joy for her to ask "why" about Jesus and his creation.  I get up to leave her room and Inara says "Momma! I need another hug!"  Typically Inara uses bedtime stalling techniques, but I can tell she genuinely just wants another hug.  I give her a huge squeeze, kiss her snotty face, another squeeze and tell her "Buenos Noches".

As I am nursing Shepherd and I see his bright blue eyes staring back at me, a huge smile, and then some droopy eyelids...I think "I had the best day".  Which then made me think of "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift. I am totally not ashamed to say that I really love her.  Anyway, so I listen to the song...and finally sob.  I finally get it.  I get how much my Mom and Dad loves me because that's how much I love Inara and Shepherd.  I sob because I don't think I really ever knew they loved me that much.  I cry even more because I think how incredibly heartbreaking it must have been to parent at times.  I cry out to God and beg him to not let Inara or Shepherd treat me the way I treated my parents. I wipe my nose as I realize these days I have with Inara and Shepherd are so fleeting. It's so cliche, but it really does seem like just yesterday Inara was signing her first words. I blink and almost 4 months have gone by and my last baby is already so big.  Today has been the best Mother's Day yet. Granted I have only had 3, but still...today has been the best day.

If you are a glutton for punishment, then you should definitely listen to this T. Swift song.  You'll probably want some tissues and to be in a room alone so you can ugly cry.

*Ps, once again I have zero pics of me WITH my kids...mom fail*

Nursing a baby is hard

The past few weeks have been hard all around.  I started work a few weeks ago (subsequently have been waking up at 4:30 am), have had car trouble, haven't seen Justin much (cue Debbie Downer noise).  All of that makes nursing a baby really hard and inconvenient.  Yup, I actually said that. Feeding my child is inconvenient.Not my greatest momma moment, huh? I think its just that it has to be me. Justin can help with the housework, my parents can watch the kids so I can go to the grocery, our small group can (and has) babysat for a date, but only I can feed him.  Its kind of a lot of pressure and doesn't give me a ton of freedom.

I have been saying for the past few weeks that breastfeeding is probably one of the most selfless things I have ever done.  I guess I thought it would be just like when I exclusively pumped with Inara for 9 months.  But its really not. In a lot of ways its nicer. There are less bottles to wash, stuff to pack, and it is really nice to get guaranteed snuggle time.  But, I can't just go out whenever I want, do whatever I want, or have Justin give him a bottle at night.  Because all those things affect my supply.  Working has not been great for my supply to begin with, so skipping a feeding or pumping more at home just isn't worth it if I want to continue breastfeeding.

The truth is though, all those "facts" about what is hard are really just revealing the sin in my heart. I want my body, my life, my freedom back. Isn't Shepherd so lucky to have me as his mom ;)  But seriously, the problem isn't the little inconveniences of breastfeeding, the problem is the sin in my heart.  So I am not going to stop breastfeeding until its clear my sin issues are not the driving force.  Right now if I stopped it would be because I would be serving me and my idol of comfort.  But to continue, is to die to self, serve my family by saving money and not buying formula, and love Shepherd by giving him the best stuff.

Oh moms! Please don't hear what I am not saying.  I am not saying the following things:

• breastfeeding is the only way to serve your family
• breastfeeding is the wisest/best option for every family
• breastfeeding is the ONLY way to love your child
• breastfeeding is the BEST for your child

Breastfeeding is a personal family decision.  It's between you and your husband.  If formula/breastfeeding/pumping is what is best for your family...awesome.  I just know my heart, and for me to stop now would be serving sin which is not something I want to get in the habit of doing.  So for now, I'll still be getting less sleep, nurse my baby in public (which is not my favorite thing to do), do all the feedings when I am not at work,miss parts of church, and pump (and eat lunches alone) at work  But I'll also snuggle him more often than not, learn about sacrifice, persevere when I don't "feel like it", and be reminded of how much more Christ has given and sacrificed for me.

What about you moms? Did you love breastfeeding? Did you hate it?  Also, how did you do it in the summer?! I am dreading nursing in the hot days of summer!

I'm rocking my baby

I've been fighting a little bit of guilt lately when it comes to how much time I spend with Shepherd.  When Inara was a baby I would read her books, sing to her, get down on the floor for tummy time, or just hold her and talk to her. And well sometimes I just feel like I am just keeping Shepherd alive and he only gets attention when he cries for food or sleep. It seems that as soon as I am done feeding him, Inara has to pee or its time to eat.  Or the dishes need done, or there are no clean underwear for any of us in the house, or baths to be had, or ______ (fill in the about a million other things).  And then there are times when I actually do have time to be with him...and I just don't feel like it...I just want to sit, or sleep, or work on something for me...

I feel guilty because I wonder if he will know the sound of the music on  his mat or swing more than the sound of my voice...because that is where he spends most of his awake time.  And in full disclosure here...sometimes I worry that all the laying around will give him a flat head and then he will need a helmet...and then the whole world will know where my baby spends all his time. Even though I know that is not the only way babies need to wear helmets

Sorry this post is a downer, I am just trying to be real.  Last night while I was putting Inara down for bed, Shepherd started crying.  I went to get him off his mat...he was covered in spit up :(  I just felt so bad he was laying there in curdled milk.  I changed his clothes and brought him into Inara's room to do bed time stuff.  Afterwards, we plopped down on the couch together and I just stared, squeezed, kissed, sang to, and kissed him some more.  And then I remembered a line from a little poem "I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep".  Here is the full poem:

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.


Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.




Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.


The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.





The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

This is so hard though because I can't just not do my job.  But Justin doesn't expect an immaculate house (which is good because I can't deliver!), so I need to cool it.  I think I will try to only do house work during nap time/bed time.  Because I already know how quickly both my babies are growing up and how I'll never get this time with them again.  So I'm going to try to rock my babies...because my babies won't keep.

How do you juggle multiple kiddos and the housework?--Not a rhetorical question, I need some help people! :)

*This post was supposed to end here.  But minutes after I finished writing I spoke with my friend Katie.  She was the breath of fresh air my heart needed to hear.  After she let me cry and tell her my sob story, she then told me truth. Truth. The truth is...I do hold Shepherd a lot...just not as much as I want to. The truth is...He is not neglected and is just fine. The truth is... God has blessed me with a great husband who isn't demanding, is super helpful, and could care less if the house looks like a war zone.  The truth is... Inara is just fine too. She isn't being ignored.  And even when she has to wait on me to take care of Shepherd she isn't getting jealous or mad.  The truth is...it is good for both of them to learn that life isn't all about them.  The truth is...I am fine too. It's ok to struggle with this new life. It is ok to want a little time to my self.  It is ok to cry and be hormonal and be real.  But since neither God nor my husband have unattainable, unreasonable, or impossible requirements for me...I can do life well.  So I will try to remember these truths and pray that God will give me the grace and mercy to do this new life I have well.  I'll pray I can love him well by taking care of Inara and Shepherd to the best of my ability. I'll pray to be reminded not to expect things from my self that my Savior and my husband don't expect of me.  And I'll pray that God will help me be reminded of truth in the peaks and valleys of this hormonal roller coaster I seem to be riding.

I may have met my match

Yesterday I got a tiny glimpse of what my future parenting of Inara might look like...it might not be pretty folks :) She might be is definitely just as stubborn if not more stubborn as I am.  After my previous post, I did realize I will not have a pristine house (which is ok) however there are things I can do to make it just a little less crazy. So today I implemented one of them. Its simple enough (not sure why it took me so long to do).

Inara got out some of her princess toys and was playing with them in the living room for a little while. Then she wanted to go into her room and play with squinkies.  I told her that before she moves on to a new toy she needed to clean up her princess stuff.  She told me she didn't want to.  I didn't want to make it into a big deal, so I just gave her the option...clean up her princess toys and then play with squinkies OR keep playing with princess toys. She played with her princess toys ALL DAY LONG. No books, no puzzles, no playing in her room...princesses!

She took her princesses to school, to the doctor, they were a family, and even went to Target :)  She was super creative with her toys, but it also was so telling about her stubbornness.  I was kind of preparing for a battle at bedtime when she was going to HAVE to clean up those toys. But to my surprise she cleaned them up right away.  We'll see how today goes! :)

Don't care how, I want it NOW!

My hormone swings are so ridiculous lately. The good thing is that because my moods change so drastically, its pretty obvious to notice.  Today is one of those days...I feel like Veruca Salt (not a great person to feel like)

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!

Don't care how

I want it now!

Inara has seriously been really wonderful with Shepherd and being a good helper. But...she is 3.  Today I have wanted her to do exactly what I ask of her, the first time, all the way. But not because I want her to learn obedience, but because its easy for me when she obeys. My house looks like a bomb exploded...seriously. Just ONCE I want her to pick up what I ask her to pick up and put it EXACTLY where I want her to put it...and I want her to do it right away...with a smile and a "Yes, Mom" would be nice too! I would post pictures of the floor covered in tiny pieces of play-doh, dishes piling up in the sink, dirty burp cloths everywhere...but I'll just let you picture it mentally :)  It has never bothered me for my house to be dirty. I always like this little saying:

Source: letteredandlined

But this new level of filth is getting to me. I want to walk into the kitchen and not trip dress up jewelry and tiny baby dolls...and I want it NOW.  This demanding and lovely (sarcasm) spirit I have had today has obviously led to some stellar parenting.  I know that were my house to be pristine I would miss the mess of dress up clothes and princesses everywhere.  The thing is, my frustration says NOTHING about Inara, but everything about my heart and how desperate it is for a Savior...As I typed that I thought I heard Inara yelling from bed.  I immediately got mad at her in my heart...I mean what part of "No yelling from bed" does she not understand?  Does she not know I am trying to blog here! (Seriously...I am on a roll today). I turned up monitor I heard her sweet little voice singing the following:

"Jesus Messiah, name above all names. Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel."

Oh yes! God with us! The hope of glory.  I am so thankful for a God who can redeem this day and use it for him.  My house is still a mess and so am I. A mess that needs the Lord. all.day.long

This parenting 2 kiddos is a hard thing sometimes. But what a wonderful way for God to show me my great need for him.

I was wrong...

*Warning this post is a little all over the place...my apologies in advance :)

I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy with Shepherd being excited, but nervous and scared too. Everyone says you will love your second child just as much as your first, but honestly I had a hard time imagining that. How could it be? I loved Inara so much. She was my first and I still considered her my baby. How could my heart possibly make room for loving another child as much as I loved her.

Then on January 26th, Shepherd was born and immediately placed on my chest. I stared in awe at this beautiful baby that God had blessed me with.  He is a beast and eats ever 2.5 hours around the clock. Sometimes he eats every 2 hours, and every once in a while (like last night), he gets famished and I have to give him a bottle because he simply can't wait 2 hours to eat.  I am tired, but God is so good to provide LOTS of help, LOTS of grace, and LOTS of love for this newest member of the Duke family.

I'll blame this emotional post on my lack of sleep, hormones, and the fact that I have watched 3 seasons of Parenthood in 2 weeks :)  When Inara was in the NICU I sang the same few songs over and over again to her: Jesus Messiah, Might to Save, Jesus Loves Me, and Come Thou Fount.  I haven't really sung many songs to Shepherd because I kind of feel like I am cheating on Inara by singing her songs to him (I know...like I said...the hormones).  Today I was watching Parenthood while nursing Shepherd I heard "To Make You Feel My Love". I started singing it to him while I was changing his diaper and he just stared up at me...and I may have lost it :)  I know the song is more of a romantic love song, but I dunno. I guess I just looked down at him there, my miracle baby who is quickly outgrowing newborn clothes and diapers, and pictured him on his wedding day.  I want to spend every day until then making sure he knows how much I love him.

And then I started thinking about how big Inara is and how I am so blessed to be her mom.  How I am sad she doesn't fit curled up on my chest anymore, but how its amazing to hear her independently say "I love you" or run up and kiss/hug me for no reason.  Everything is different with Inara and Shepherd. EVERYTHING. I didn't have this lovey dovey feeling with Inara. But loving her and seeing how much my heart is capable of loving her has paved the way for loving Shepherd.

Children are a blessing and gift from the Lord 

Psalm 127:3

Oh Jesus. I deserve nothing, but you give so freely. I am so incredibly blessed with 2 kids who have stolen my heart. I can't believe I once actually thought kids ruin your life. I couldn't be further from the truth and I am so thankful you have proven my wrong. What a wonderful way to be wrong. Thank you Jesus for the blessing of being their mom.  Please help me remember the truth of this scripture when I don't feel blessed. I love you so much. I can't believe you gave up your own son whom you love so much, for a wretch like me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

Jesus Calling

Before Shepherd was born, I knew I needed to have a plan of sorts of how I would spend time with the Lord. I knew I would be tired and likely sore from either type of delivery that happened.  Add to that a busy toddler and I was a little nervous how my time with Jesus would happen. I signed up for a yearly bible reading plan on YouVersion on my phone (knowing that I might not be able to keep up with the pace, but something is better than nothing) and started looking for a devotional of some sorts.  Most of them seemed either too long for what I was looking for or kind of just too corny.

Then stumbled upon this little daily devotional: Jesus Calling.  It really has been so wonderful for me to read and its perfect because I bought the nook version. Since I always have my phone, I'll always have access to this great little book. It is short but so full of encouragement and is written in a way that is so powerful, humbling, and awesome.  Each day is only a few paragraphs and a few verses, but it fills my soul with peace and the reminder that I can trust God.  When I start to freak out about being all alone with a newborn and a busy toddler in a few weeks, I am quickly reminded that I am not alone.  I never was and never will be.  God is sovereign and knew from the beginning of time when Shepherd would join our family and our circumstances at that time.  When I start to freak out about the lack of sleep I will have once I can't nap during the day when Justin is gone, this little devotional is perfectly timed to remind me to focus on Christ and not what I might be "lacking". To be thankful and not worry.

I thought once Shepherd was finally here safe and sound, I could relax. But that is not the case. I find my self worrying about even more ridiculous things.  I am thankful for the feast of comfort that I am getting in just a few paragraphs a day.  It is the perfect amount for this tired Mom.

I think whatever stage of life you are in, this little devotional is a great small addition or start to your time with the Lord.  Is there a devotional or book that you like to read when times are busy?

Does your kiddo have a food allergy/sensitivity?

A few weeks ago I planned on having a fun day with Inara. It was fun...kind of. But throughout the day I gave her a lot of treats thatt she doesn't really ever get- pink lemonade, sprees, gummy bears, and cupcakes. We normally really limit the amount of sweets she has because she just doesn't need that crap. But I thought it would be fun way to treat her on our Mommy/Inara date. Well that evening/night (even most of the next day) she was a little terror. Screaming, yelling, crying, right out nasty and defiant.  On the car ride home I was just so sad! Not that Inara is perfect...but this was not my little girl. In my head I went over the day and what we did. Sure she didn't have a nap...but that has definitely happened before and we have not had that type of behavior for a "no nap day" at this age. Then I realized...pink lemonade-sugar, candy-sugar, gummy bears-sugar, cupcakes-sugar.

DUH! We had noticed before that when she gets really sugary things she gets nasty.  I think what happens is that we just forget she gets mean like that. So when we are at a party and she wants some candy, juice, cookies, or cake we think "Sure, why not. It's not like she gets this every day".

Then a few days ago I was talking to my brother about Inara's nastiness after consuming sugar. He mentioned maybe it wasn't sugar necessarily but a red dye. I thought about it and everything she had that day would have had red dye in it.  And at home we NEVER have red dye. I buy dye free medicine, our yogurt snacks is colored with natural things like fruit.  So the next day I had a experiment. She got a little PEZ dispenser that came with yellow, orange, and red candy. I chose to give her the yellow kind.  She ate the whole pack in like 5 minutes.  She asked for more but I told her no. She actually behaved like normal child...no begging, whining, or crying.

That day she woke up 2 hours earlier that she normally does, didn't have a nap, got spoiled with LOTS of presents, and we had to leave her cousins (favorite people in the world) during a really fun game of wrestling/being crazy with Mawmaw and Pawpaw.  So I was kind of prepared that leaving and bed time would be a disaster...it wasn't! We told her we were leaving, she walked around told everyone good bye, and we left.  My mom even commented about how surprised she was that Inara left so easily and without putting up a fight.  When we got home, we had bedtime snacks and our routine without any arguing, whining, begging, stalling. It was bizarre how well behaved she was being, when I expected the worst.  I am going to experiment some more, but it definitely was an obvious change in her behavior.

I found some other people who have had similar experiences to red dye (and other dyes as well). I also read some articles where the FDA says there is no link between red dye and child behavior or ADHD. Try here, here, here, here, and here.

I remember when Inara was getting my breastmilk  and was having really bad reflux. Someone suggested I try to eliminate dairy from my diet to see if it helped her. All the experts said it takes a while for dairy to enter your milk. Essentially eat dairy now, enters breast milk much later and that is when you baby would be fussy.  At first I really didn't think it would help because no matter when I had dairy she would always be fussy.  But I tried and I was amazed at how much better she seemed to be when I was dairy free. One evening I had a tiny bit of cheese on my salad, pumped right away, gave her a bottle, and she was a mess. Even though all the websites (and doctor and lactation consultant) said that it couldn't be in my milk that fast...I was the one who could obviously see that it was indeed in my milk nearly instantly and affected her right away.  I only bring this up because I there seems to be no concrete evidence either way. I am not saying that if your kiddo is having a tantrum...its a food allergy/sensitivity. I AM saying that I noticed definite differences in my kids behavior when consuming red dye.  It makes me wonder if there are other things out there that affect her.

So what about you. Does your kiddo/you/someone you know have a unusual reaction to dyes or other foods?

Potty training

This part is more for future reference when potty training kiddo #2...

We tried potty training Inara in April. She could hold it for a really long time, but was not interested in all at peeing in the potty. We rewarded her with 1 M&M for being dry and then another M&M if she peed in the potty....but she didn't care about peeing in her potty because she already got a reward. We finally stopped after 2 days when she told us she ONLY wanted to pee in her diapers and NOT in her potty. So we figured we would wait a few months and try again.



Finally last week I had been scheduled with 9 days off...let potty training begin. This time we tried to amp up the bribes to make it seem more appealing. So I headed to Party City and loaded up on little cheap prizes like tattoos, jewelry, Dora, Hello Kitty, and Yo Gabba Gabba favors. This time if she stayed dry she would get 1 M&M and if she peed on her potty she would get a prize...this is how its going.


Day 1-  She peed 3 times on the potty and no real accidents. If she started to pee, she would stop and then be able to finish on the potty.  She got SOO excited and would yell "I'm doing it!"

Getting ready for Day 1

Big One had to potty train with us too! :)

Day 2- Pretty much a repeat of Day 1

Day 3- This day was hard because she had to poop. Inara has GI issues, so I was wondering how this would go. She had accidents throughout the day. She would pee a little in the potty and even sat trying to poop for over 30 minutes. But she couldn't go. I finally decided that her pooping was more important than potty training. I told her I was putting on a diaper so she could poop, but as soon as she pooped we would put back on undies. She pooped with in 10 minutes and stayed dry after that.

Putting on some bracelets she got as a reward for going

Day 4- We had previously planned to spend the day at Coney Island. We weren't sure what to do, but figured we would be outside all day so if she did have accidents it wouldn't be a huge deal. We put her in in a pull up and she held her pee for 4.5 hours! Finally she said she was going to pee. I told her to hold it and I ran to the bathroom. She held it, but then cried in the bathroom and said she couldn't pee because "its too dirty mom, i can't do it here"! In her defense it WAS nasty, I didn't pee all day because of the same reason :) so I just told her to go in her pull up and that it was ok to do that this time. Then later on, she peed on my leg at the pool :) but once we got home she stayed dry and peed in the potty again.

Day 5- Dry and didn't pee at church. 1 accident at home and 2 successful pees in her potty. This time I could tell she was actually making herself go instead of waiting until she was all the way full of pee.

Day 6-My friend told me about these cool juice drinks that are organic and low sugar. So I pumped her full of pink lemonade all day long :) She had 1 accident in the morning. It was more frustrating to me because I walked away for like 5 minutes to email some friends and that's when she peed. It just seemed like I have to be constantly watching her for her little potty dance right now. But she also peed 8x in her potty that day. And we also bought a potty seat to help with her fear of big toilets and she did good with the potty seat. I also stopped prompting her with rewards. I rewarded her if she asked (which she always did), but I didn't bring it up to motivate her. It actually felt like she was finally getting the hang of it.

Sooo excited for her sparkly Hello Kitty tattoo!

Day 7- I decided to make an adventure out of the house. It was a nice day and I was being tired of cooped up in the house all day, so we went to the zoo.  I had her try to pee in the potty before we left (no luck), put her in a pull-up for the ride there (stayed dry), and had her try to pee in our little portable potty chair (no luck). So I put on undies for the actual time at the zoo.  We stopped at 1 bathroom so I could pee and she tried but didn't go. I was REALLY proud of her for even trying because she does NOT like public bathrooms :)  We made it back to the car without any accidents, tried again in our little potty (no luck), put on a pull up (she stayed dry the whole ride home!), and when we got home she peed in the potty! I was super proud of her, she held her pee for over 4 hours!

Day 8  was pretty much the same as 7. The only difference was that when she would ask for her prize after peeing on the potty I would remind her that soon she would get ALL her prizes and then should woudn't be potty training any more, she would be all done and potty TRAINED. I tried to hype it up so it didn't seem like I was just taking away her prizes :)

Day 9- I think its safe to say I have a potty trained kiddo? She still wears diapers at nap/bedtime, but has been doing really good!  Today she got her last prize...and I tried to save the best for last. I made a BIG deal out of how she was offically a big girl and not a little kiddo anymore :) It seemed to work, but the first time she peed and I didn't have a prize for her, she was a little mad.  So I told her she could have an M &M after she peed until they were all gone. That seemed to help and the next time she didn't even ask for anything :)

2 weeks later and she is still doing good! We haven't had any accidents in almost a week and she is learning how to use public bathrooms! YAY for saving money on less diapers :)

So advice to future me when potty training kiddo #2...it likely won't happen in a few days. Yes, there are a few people whose kids are potty trained in 3 days, but planning on that is setting yourself up and ultimately your kiddo for disappointment.