Working outside the home...and inside the home

This last month has been really hard.  Going back to work this time is much harder than it was with Inara. For one thing I am working probably double (if not more) than what I was before.  Now I am leaving 2 kids at home, plus seeing Justin significantly less.  So its been pretty tiring and trying.

Its really hard for our family when I work a lot.  Justin and I would love for me to be able to stay at home full-time, but at this point God has different plans for our family.  So essentially I am working outside of the home part-time and then being a stay-at-home-mom part-time.  Doing nothing "full-time" is hard to feel like you are doing anything well.  When I am at home, I always feel "behind" on house work from being at work. On my breaks at work, I am thinking about how they day is going with the kids and what I'll need to do when I get home.

A few Saturdays ago, I was at Starbucks for some time with God.  I saw a few sweet friends.  One of them asked how I was.  I told her I was ok, but it has been hard going back to work.  I briefly explained some of my struggles. As I did I could tell she too is struggling with it too and understood.  She has some much needed encouraging words for me.  Sometimes being a Christian working mom can feel really isolating.  Most women I know are blessed to be able to stay at home, and I have felt like I am the only one fighting this battle of being a working mom.  I sent her a text telling her it was comforting to know I am not alone in this fight.  Her response was even more life giving than before:

We're not the only ones fighting this fight.  And God fights for us, carries us through. Deut 1:30,31- The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you have seen how the LORD your God carried you as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.

It was so refreshing to my soul!  What a great reminder of the reality of my life.  Even though I feel all alone in my struggle right now...the truth is I haven't been alone since I accepted the free gift of God's grace---He took my sin and then he gave me his righteousness.  He lives to intercede for me. Wow.   Let that sink in people. Jesus Christ, the author of life and our salvation ALWAYS LIVES TO INTERCEDE FOR YOU. Dang.

God kept bringing to my mind some verses Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."m  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on my. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For When I am weak, then I am strong

I was kind of arguing with God about my our situation.  Why did he give us these really awesome jobs just to make other parts of life a lot harder?  Should we have even taken our new jobs?  But quickly I realized that these jobs are blessings to us in so many ways.  They allow us to make more money so we can get out of debt, restart contributing to retirement, and give more generously.  I don't work anymore weekends or holidays (woohoo!).  Justin gets to spend way more time with the kids that he did before.  

But more than that, it is also kind of a "thorn in my flesh".  I think before our new jobs/new baby, I though I was doing life pretty good on my own.  I didn't get upset with Inara, I never yelled, was patient and loving most of the time...or so I thought.  This new job/schedule takes a lot from me.  This means when I get home I really have nothing left to give. I don't want to take care of my house, change a dirty diaper, play with my daughter... I just want to check out.  But that's not really possible.  So on my ride home as I am at the end of myself...I don't "pull my self up by my bootstraps".  Instead I fall on my Savior and beg for one more ounce of energy and love.  I plead with him to help me arrive home ready to keep on loving and giving, just as he does.  I don't do it every time, but I am definitely weak and God was showing me that's when he can be strong for me :)

I left my time at Starbucks not with some new plan or schedule that would help our this new stage of life.  That will be helpful and it is something Justin and I do need to work out.  But what I left with was so much more than that. I left with a peace that cannot be taken from me.  Praise God for allowing me to be like Mary not Martha, and to choose what is better and won't be taken from me.

Spring is good for me

I didn't realize how depressed I have been lately until last week when I was outside with Inara, on our swing, in the sun.  I needed it. My soul needed the warmth and the sun.  I am not trying to be dramatic or anything, but the warm sun, hearing the birds chirping, the breeze blowing my hair, and Inara playing in her water table was so therapeutic and eye opening.

I have been shut in my house with the cool weather, and it seems I have been shutting in my emotions and thoughts too. Keeping them buried deep inside as I bury my self under the covers to stay warm.  But yesterday as I sat on my swing and felt the warmth of the sun on my legs, I let my emotions and thoughts out.

I am really sad about going back to work...like mega sad.  I don't want to be away from my babies and my house 8+ hours a day. I want to snuggle Shepherd all day long, go to the zoo with Inara, and play outside with them both.  I want to do more school with Inara, watch Shepherd meet milestones (because I feel like babies change so quickly), and spend the days with Justin.

I have been ignoring (or trying to) the fact that in 1 week I will be back at work...and working full-time for 1 month.  I have been trying to not think about how Justin and I won't really get to see much of each other during that month, how we still aren't sure what our childcare situation will look like, how I am nervous Justin and I will both be exhausted during this month, how I am nervous my supply will really be affected by working, how I am nervous my employees will judge me for needing to pump a couple times, how needing to pump more means I'll need to buy more supplies which stresses me out (aka sinful worry) because I haven't been working for 3 months and money is tight.

And all this time while "ignoring" these things my heart has been growing more and more depressed and anxious...I just didn't realize it until I was sitting in the sun.  All my fears, expectations, and sadness came up as I stepped into the light. Then God brought the verse from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to mind:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

At first I was all pouty and like "Humph! Give thanks for what? Being exhausted and away from my family?". Then God started chipping away at my cold stubborn heart.  I was reminded that we waited, waited, and waited for God to give Justin a new job and I could be thankful for that. Be thankful for a job that will help us pay off debt and become more financially stable.  A job that will be wonderful experience for Justin. I could choose to be thankful that God allowed me to also find a new job in 2 weeks.  A job that I actually will like doing. A job that allows me to keep really great medical benefits. A job that won't have me working nights anymore.  A job that will for the first time in almost 7 years allow me to be off all weekends and holidays!

And then more thankfulness came upon me..."For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  In Christ Jesus, that is where my thankfulness is from.  Yes those things listed above are really nice blessings from God, but what if all of that was taken away, what is there to be thankful for then? Jesus.  He is from where all blessing flow. My biggest problem (which isn't lack of sleep, time with my family, financial debt)....my sin problem has been solved. Jesus Christ (who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow) has solved my biggest problem.  

So I sat there, in the warm sun. Wind blowing my hair. Feet in flip-flops, sad but thankful. Thankful for the spring and the new life it brings. The flowers, trees, green grass, and being reminded of the new life Christ has given me.  I am still sad, but thankful. Oh so thankful.

Funk

I have been kind of in a spiritual "funk" lately.  I guess its been going on for about a month.  When I started my new job I had to work everyday 8-430 for 2 weeks and I have been working full time on the floor for almost a month...phew! Full-time working moms...you are super-heros for doing that week in and week out. 

I tried to read a little in the mornings. I would wake up, which is a feat in itself, but my brain just did NOT work that early.  Then after a few weeks I developed a nasty habit of not savoring but ignoring my time with the Lord. I could see its effect on my heart.  I was just blah.

Then Sunday at church..amazing!  My church is doing a sermon series on Worship. The past 2 weeks have been titled "What does whole hearted worship look like?". It was so good for me to hear the biblical truth preached. Our church isn't perfect, but I am beyond grateful for the comittment to preach biblical principles and truths.  Go here and listen...I promise you will not regret it!

I had been coming to God, or just ignoring Him altogether because I just had too much "stuff" to deal with. My heart was nasty and sinful and I could feel the distance I was putting between me and God.  But these past 2 weeks have jsut reminded me... it is not about me!  I mean DUH right?  How silly I am.  The God of the universe, who chose me from before time, to die for my sins (and not because of how lovely I am, but because how good HE is), died for MY sins...not just sin in general...but every little nasty, black, sinful part of me. How quickly I lose the focus from what He did and is doing, to what I should/need to do to deserve his favor.

I am renewed with hope that my biggest problem has been taken care of and there is nothing I can do to ruin that.  "We are loved, and its quite enough that we are loved"- so simple but so true!

Advent Day 1

So today we started our first day of Advent. I was really excited to share this wonderful season with Inara and be reminded my self of what a great thing it was for Christ to come into our world. I kind of combined a bunch of different advent experiences into one.

First an advent calendar. I had have used this calendar since I was a little girl, so I was sad to pack it away. But I was very happy to start our own family traditions. I found this advent wreath through a friend on facebook. She kind of tweaked the original tutorial a little bit. I really liked how she added scripture about sin, the cross, and what was accomplished. Because even though it was great that Christ was born, it only matters because he lived a sinless life, died, and then rose again. So I really like some of the scripture to tell not only the story of Christmas, but also WHY Christmas was important.

Next, we will be using our advent calendar to go through Truth in the Tinsel. I reviewed this ebook for Amanda @ ImpressYourKids....I also bought a few copies for other friends.  In the book you read scripture daily and then make an ornament that corresponds with the scripture.  The scripture really tells the whole story of Christmas. I really love how she even gives extra stuff each day for you to do with your kiddo!

I took the scripture she used in the ebook, paired with some of the scripture from a friends advent wreath, and wrote them on the back of each closepin. That way I have it written right there!

I was really excited for Justin to get home from work, so we could do this together as a family.  I really didn't have high hopes to have this wonderful, long, theological conversation with Inara...I mean she IS 2. But I was super excited anyway to lay the ground work for those conversations. It went as expected, she was really excite about the tissue paper and glue and barely listened to the scripture. I think tomorrow I'll read the scripture first to have her full attention and THEN craft :) So here is our Day 1 ornament:

Hanging it on the tree

Finished product!

Ok guys, it is not to late to start. I promise! She as alternate plans in the book for busier people or for those who get a late start. And even if you don't get her book and use this tool to share Christ with your kiddos, do SOMETHING. Don't let this season pass by with lots of parties, presents, and people but neglect to celebrate the coming of Christ to save sinners like you, me...and our kids!

Thankfulness Day 29

Today I am thankful for Gods provision. This morning I got into a very mild fender bender. But thankfully I wasn't injured, the other driver was OK, and so were our cars. We really can't afford to get in a wreck, and the other driver was on her way to take her aunt to tradition, so I am sure she was thankful too. We bumped each other, got out, looked at our cars, not even paint was chipped on our cars, got back in our cars, and went on our merry way.  I am thankful God was looking out for both of us.

Then I called Children's hospital to inquire about a new random bill we received. We currently are on a payment plan to pay for Inara's surgery in march. We keep paying our monthly payment, but instead of what we owe going down....it is increasing. Radiology visits, an er visit, and ortho follow up appointments make it really hard to make any progress. So when I got a new bill, I was kind of stressed. So I called them and they actually added all our little bills to our current bill, we have 2 extra weeks to make a payment now, and our payment only went up $1 a month. It may not seem like a big deal, but its just one more example of God reminding me that he is in control. And to remind me of the greater debt he paid for me on the cross. I am not happy that we will have been paying children's hospital from the time Inara was born until likely after her 3rd birthday, and while I AM so thankful for modern medicine and insurance, I am more thankful that being in "debt" is a reminder of my eternal debt that was paid by Christ....and that gives me great joy.

How He love us!

Being a mommy sometimes is exhausting. Its wonderful, amazing, joyful, but exhausting. I hear "mommy pick you up" all day long. And while I do love to snuggle my little girl, I would like to do just 1 task without hearing that :) I do remember this time with her is fleeting, so I'll stop doing the dishes (sometimes) to give a hug, color for the 300th time a picture of Daddy, or watch a few minutes of a show "gether" (that's together in Inara language).  But sometimes I simply can't because I'm cooking, or on the phone with a friend/work. I think its good for Inara to hear "no" sometimes and learn that while I love her SO SO very much, she is not the center of my world. But how do you teach a 2 year old that? No seriously...that was not rhetorical...I need help people! :)

But while she was in alone time in her room, I stole away to the other side of the house and put on some music. I instantly went to David Crowder Band's "How He Loves Us"...divine intervention for sure! Just thinking about how much Inara wants/needs me. That's why its exhausting.  She literally needs me every waking moment. Even if I'm not holding her, she needs my supervision, correction, teaching, discipline, and tickles :)

But what really struck me when listening to the song, is that God is a parent. He has millions of precious children on earth who need him...and he hears every prayer, sees every tear, knows every heart. WOW. How big.awesome.amazing.  He hears ALL of his children's cries all day and night long for their Father. He never gets weary of us, never needs a break, never needs help. While he hears (and answers) our cries for help, He also is holding the world in his hands...no the ENTIRE universe. perfectly. dang. Its hard to take in how amazing that is. And to think that awesome power is dwelling in my heart. I can pray to the Father for help, He hears me because of the perfect sacrifice of His son Jesus, and gives me the Holy Spirit to help me change.

Here is the kicker...I deserve Hell, but I get Heaven, grace, mercy, peace. I don't deserve one good thing, but I get the best thing ever: Christ in me...the hope of glory. Ah..sweet grace. I could go on, but I wont. I'll stop and go worship Jesus for being Him. You should do the same thing.

Oh, ye of little faith

God showed me something amazing this morning, even though I didn't ask him to or even deserve it. But that is what makes it so beautiful.  Recently I have not been working as much as I would like. I try to pick up to make enough money to pay the bills, but there just hasn't been the opportunity. Yesterday when looking at my schedule for this week I was shocked to realize I was working not even half as much as I need to be. I immediately began to worry and think "oh God, PLEASE don't make me go back to the hospital. Working nights again will be the death of me!" (Worry much?!)

So last night I tossed and turned and had nightmare of being back at the hospital, working nights, and being even more exhausted this time because this time I have a toddler to raise. I woke up and started the day already exhausted and feeling defeated. On my way to drop Inara off at my Dad's (who is awesome for loving Inara so much), I got a call from my work. They had a unique opportunity for me to work longer today! I would make enough working extra to cover the difference of my working less!

As soon as I hing up the phone I burst into tears as I told Inara about our faithful God. Its like He was telling me "Hey, I got this". And He did, does, and will! Yes it was great that our bills would now be taken care of, but its so Mich more than that. It was a little reminder that He has taken care of my biggest problem of sin on the cross. He bore the wrath of God for me, and if I can trust Him for a glorious salvation, I can trust him for the day to day, and even when he chooses to withhold His blessing.

Roman 8:31-39 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Oh how silly to worry and fret when my Jesus has secured my way to Him. And that is something that cannot be taken from me even if our finances security is taken from us! Thank you Jesus for the ultimate gift, sweet fellowship with you!

Work in progress

Recently a friend of mine (whose blog you should DEFINITELY read) posted about how a lot of times bloggers always post the best of stuff. Then another friend started thinking about that too. I guess it is true. People post pics of their house super clean, not the disaster that it likely is most of the time. Stories of their child's loveliness, not stories of how its hard to love a little sinner sometimes.  I started thinking about my blog and mostly my heart.  

I haven't been blogging about much I guess because there is nothing going on my heart. I have been SO busy these couple weeks and have neglected my time with the Lord. I can't make my life less crazy right now, but I can prioritize and be more disciplined with the little time that I have.  I know you are thinking, "Well duh, get off your blog and talk to God about this stuff". I did, which is why I can blog about it now.

I think my life is a mess. My house is destroyed because out bathroom is being redone. Since I spend no time at home there is no clean laundry, no groceries, no dishes being done. complete. mess. My car is a mess because I work out of it and am constantly going to my parents or friends house to shower. Now it kind of smells too. My heart is a mess. I am was numb to my sin.  Instead of asking God to help me, I ignored him. And I have been paying the price. Not that he punishes me for ignoring him. No. He is so gracious and merciful and disciplines me BECAUSE he knows ignoring Him will produce death, while crying out to Him in my distress will bring me joy and life even if when my circumstance don't change.

My house will still be a wreck. But I will be thankful that we had the cash to pay for our bathroom. We will not be going in to debt to renovate, and  I will choose to be thankful my biggest debt has been paid by Christ.  My car still looks like a natural disaster, but I'll remember we only have a car because God has provided it for us. My heart is still a mess too, but I'll continue to put my hope in him, I'll pray to be "more of You, less of me', and I'll wait anxiously for the day when I can be with Christ in Heaven.

I love how God redeems me and my wreck of a life.

Providing

I have been so blessed this week seeing how God has provided for us.  About a month ago Inara went to an extended developmental assessment at Good Samaritan Hospital. It was so great because she doesn't ever have to go back to be checked again! So this week we got the bill, which I knew would be pretty expensive but she is worth it. So I open the bill and to my very big surprise we only owed $50! What the what?! I expected to owe over $300. I look at the breakdown of the charges and I was right! I SHOULD have owed $330, because our insurance company doesn't pay for a speech eval which cost $230.  But for some reason our insurance company made 2 payments on our account. The second payment which is nearly the entire amount that we would have owed was labeled as "other payment received".

It was such a huge blessing! We would have had the money, a bigger bill would have just meant less money we saved. But it was a little reminder that God desires to take care of us. He took care of our biggest problem on the cross. If I can trust Him with my life, I can trust him with the day to day! How easily I forget how He is my redeemer and provider.

And this week we have had lots of unexpected happenings to affect our income/spending: I haven't been able to work as much, upcoming doctor appointments, car breaking, party throwing, and needing to buy Inara some jammies (her toes are LITERALLY poling out the toes).  I immediately TOLD Justin I was thinking about working this weekend to make some extra money. But we have a pretty busy Saturday. He told me not to worry about it. I needed to focus on our party and remember God has always taken care of us. sigh. How foolish of me! Instead of respecting Justin as the head of our home and trusting God has called Justin to take care of me, I TOLD Justin my plans....not talked with him. I am so thankful God has given me a husband to love me the way Christ does.  And when digging through her clothes to find clothes to donate, I came across a few jammies for her :) May seem small to you guys, but finding them last night was God telling me "Hey, I got this. I'll take care of you. Have I ever not?" He is true, faithful, and my great provider. Not just in material things, but in eternal matters. He is good.

Matthew 6:28-34- And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Thank you Jesus for these words to remind me to seek you above all things.

Debt

Yesterday I got a bill in the mail for over $3,000 for Inara's toe surgery. My first instinct was to be pissed and complain about how awful it is that we owe so much, when we pay so much for insurance....I mean what's the point..right?  Well I looked at the bill and really didn't understand how we owed so much, so I called our insurance company to see if I could straighten things out a little.  Well no straightening was had, we DO owe 3K to Cincinnati Childrens's Hospital.

I wanted to tell Justin the "great" news, but I didn't want to stress him out at work about something he couldn't do anything about, or tell him when he got home as a "welcoming" gift :)  So I started thinking about it, and the more I thought, the more God showed me His wonderful blessings. So yes, it IS a bummer we owe a lot of money. But it is also really great that the insurance company paid over $11,000 for her surgery.  AND, she was under the care of a  great doctor. But SO much more than that, is God reminded me my biggest debt has been paid. My BIGGEST problem has been taken care of at the cross. Jesus died for my sins, and has given me His righteousness.  JOY! What great news. So in light of what God reminded me paying a few thousand dollars is nothing to complain about :) He has given me peace and a joy that no worldly debt can take from me.  What ways are you delighting in His cross today?

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and continually bringing me back to Your cross.

Genius kiddo

Dude. Inara is blowing my mind with how much/fast she is learning stuff. It is crazy! We have been signing with her for a while and we recently checked out a Book on First Signs. We have just been reading it for a few days and she knows about half of the signs in the book (milk, done, more, help, eat, please). So we are working on some others (thank you, drink, book, sleep). Well tonight I look down and she is going through the book and signing the right sign on the right page...ALL BY HERSELF! Its crazy and so much fun!

Also today she found a small cross in the party zone. She brought it into the living room and was carrying it around. I told her about 5x that she was holding a cross and Jesus died on the cross for her. Then she picked it up again. I asked her what she was holding and she said in the sweetest toddler voice "cross" and then unprompted said "Jesus"...cue heart melting into nothing! Seriously, I am so excited to continue to share with her and watch her learn and love the Lord :)

Also I just thought these jeans were the cutest on her

And this week we started her feeding herself with a spoon

She did really good!

Oh Happy (birth) Day!

So its no surprise that today is Easter, but it is also my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting. Basically after I turned 18, I guess they just didn't seem like a big deal anymore.

This morning at church as we were singing of God's goodness, grace, and mercy that was displayed on the cross I was so struck by what a happy day this is indeed!  My birthday could be all about me, or depressing as I get "older"...but its not. It is about HIM.  This is a day to celebrate the wonderful things HE has done! He is risen, He is alive, He is changing me to be more and more like Him, and my VERY BIGGEST PROBLEM EVER has been dealt with. Jesus is alive! I feel like my birthday has such a new meaning now. Its another year with my Lord and Savior, another year He has taken care of me, another year HE has done it all. Oh praise Him!

Here are the song with lyrics to one of my favorite Easter songs. I hope it will be an everyday song, and remind me daily what Christ did and is doing through the Cross!

My Cup Runeth Over

So this is Inara with her favorite toy. A plastic cup. Its hilarious how much she loves this thing. I actually put her to bed with it last night. Her favorite toys are always the "non-toys", and her cup runeth over with toys and "non-toys".

But seriously, my cup does runeth over with joy. I have started going to a bible study my church offers, and it has been amazing! We are studying Philippians/colossians, and this week has been especially impactful. Our memore verse is phil. 3:7- but whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. I feel like for the first time in my walk with the LORD this verse has meant so much more to me. Paul had to CHOOSE to pick Christ 1st! It didn't just happen. This week (with God's grace) I have decided to choose Him first and it has made a miraculous different. I have found joy when in the past I would have been discouraged.

Monday I had to work and found out Inara had a rough night at my parents and was continuing to have a rough day. I was so sad that financially I have to work and couldn't be there with her. I felt like a bad mom...I should be the one comforting her when she wasn't feeling well. But I thought of that verse. I WAS working, I COULDN'T change my situation and be at home, I CHOSE joy.  What good would it do to be sad the rest of the day? Instead God helped me "forget what is behind, and press on toward the goal"...glorifying God. He helped me do a good job with my patients, work hard, and still be loving and kind to them even though I longed to be home with my baby girl. God's word IS "living and active" and it is so good too!


Today has been great as well. I have had lots of opportunities to teach Inara about sharing, obeying, and not hitting. I have done a load of laundry, deep cleaned the kitchen, ate breakfast AND lunch, and even managed a shower...and before 4pm.  All while keeping my 2 favorite babies and ALL with God's help. I know it sounds funny that eating and showering is an accomplishment, but with 2 babies under 15 months it is quite a feat to not let my house get destroyed at the end of the day....ahhh parenthood :)

Inara reading a book in her chair

Messy girl!

Reason for the Season

This past week has been a good week. I feel like God is showing me really what Christmas is all about...and its wonderful. Last night I spent about an hour outside shoveling our driveway so Justin could actually park in it when he got home from his work meeting. I had spent the whole day working and running around, I still had paperwork to do, dishes to be done, and trash to be taken out. That being said, it was a very nice time. It was dark, no cars were driving by, a little snow was falling from the sky, and I spent that hour listening to Christmas music and reconnecting with my Savior.

A couple times I had nasty thoughts about Justin "If he EVEN says ONE thing about my crappy shoveling job, then I'm gonna lose it". (note to readers: Justin has been nothing BUT encouraging since the day we met). I started thinking "why am I doing shoveling this driveway?". Is it to please Justin? Please myself by being a "good wife"? Yes and yes. No wonder I was shoveling begrudgingly, I wasn't doing it to please the Lord. Then I heard a line from "In Christ Alone", that changed my night:

And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me!
For I am His and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ!

 

YES, YES, YES!

 

So easily I forget! God gave us the ultimate gift in Christ. The little baby in a manger, became a man, and now is next to God. Because of His power in me, I don't have to be a slave to my sinful attitude! I am FREE!  So I finished shoveling because I wanted to please my God. He gave the best gift ever. I can never out give God, and it would be appalling to him for me to try. But what a JOY it is to be a gift to someone else life. To shovel the driveway so Justin could park in it, so the snow wouldn't damage our cars, to love and serve my family in a way God could teach me to do with joy :)

 

I have been thinking a lot about gifts. We received the most excellent gift years ago in a baby born in a barn. I LOVE giving gifts. It is so fun to give as God has given to us. I was listening to Kiss 107 and the have a piece titled "Single Mom Santa". Every story brought me to tears. Yes Christmas IS about giving. I was moved so much because it points me to my Savior who has given everything! I hope we can teach Inara (and our selves) how GOOD is is to give. This Christmas, how will you give yourself, just as Christ has given himself so extravagantly to us?

This time last year

This time last year:

• I had my first baby shower
• Just entered my 3rd trimester....and hated it
• Had swollen hands/fingers and cried lots of morning because of the pain
• Wondered how I could make it 12 more weeks

Little did I know...

How crazy is that? I have been thinking a lot about how Inara is going to be one year old! CRAZY. This week at Babies R Us, I started crying when I saw the preemie clothes. Could it really be that a year ago she was growing inside of me perfectly and surprised us (but not God) with her arrival into our lives?

On her invitation to her party I wrote "please come celebrate what God has done in her life". I also made a photo book from Walgreens documenting her surprise arrival :) I want her birthday to be a celebration. Yes...a celebration of her life..but more than that. A Celebration of God! HE formed every cell in her body...HE made her extra 6th toe that I love because that's how I knew she was mine in the NICU...HE brought her early...HE DID IT ALL! I want Inara's birthdays forever to be about Him. Yes, we will do birthday things...cake...ice cream...PRESENTS (cause who can resist buying presents for your own child). But I am so excited at her party I will get to tell of Jesus faithfulness and power. We were NEVER alone! So if you are coming to her party...here are things you can be prepared for:

• Cupcakes
• Ice Cream
• Lasagna
• Getting to see cutie Inara in the sweetest birthday dress ever
• The hearing of God's great power and faithfulness

So come hungry for food, fun, and the story of His grace!

Sharing

Recently I started watching my BFF's cutie daughter 2 days a week. It has been really great! Inara squeals and gets excited every time I bring Marley in the room. She even said her 2nd word "Baby"...sounds more like "bayeee"...but I'll count it! We brought out some of Inara's old baby toys for Marley to play on (play mat, bouncer seat). Inara thought it was great she has been climbing all over them both.

Once thing Inara does not love...sharing these toys. She will be playing with something on the other side of the room, and the instant I put Marley in the bouncy seat...Inara must play with it too. I would tell Inara "No", and explain that we need to share with the baby. Obviously she didn't really like that. I would move her away and she would crawl right back.  I started thinking about why it is important to share. To make me happy? To fit in with social norms...sure...but it must be more than that....and it is!

God in his infinite goodness shared with us...so we ought to share with others! He shared His perfect Son and will share His perfect Heaven with us too! What a great example for me to teach Inara...and me! He leads us to follow him. Jesus shared His life with us too! How much better to teach with that instead of "share...its nice". Then I thought about it a little more. Jesus calls us to love our neighbor, and today Marley was definitely Inara's neighbor. What another great way to teach her by sharing her toys, she is loving Marley and pleasing God. I know she doesn't know all of this now...but doesn't it makes sense to do it along the way...instead of just one day when she is 5 and can understand  a little better telling her to share then? I hope I can find these simple teaching times to tell about Christ in our everyday happenings. I pray Inara grows up hearing about Grace, peace, obedience, and love her whole life.

Trouble

Oh Cars...how I love/hate you!

So this year we have had TONS of problems with cars. It started on one of the worst days of my life, when I totaled my car in February. You can read the whole story here. We were without a car for about a month while the insurance company had to decide if they were going to fix it, or total it. So we bought an Nissan Altima for super cheap knowing that we would probably have to replace the transmission at some point. But even factoring in a transmission, we got a good deal. So about 3 months after we got the Altima, Jusin's engine died. His car was not worth the work to fix it so we sold it and bought a Subaru Forrester (That's car number 4 for us this year). It was in pretty good shape and low miles, so we bought that. About a month after we bought it, the Altima's transmission went out (or as our mechanic likes to call them..."The tranny is bad"). It took a while to find one for that car...so once again...we were a 1 car family for about another month. Then recently the transmission in the Subaru went out! Seriously?! I was very thankful God allowed us to buy an extended warranty when we bought it and they paid for about 2/3 of the cost for a new transmission. But it took a while for the warranty people to find one and ship it to our mechanic....so 1 more month to our 1 car family status.Then last week we go to pick it up..PERFECT! Running great...oh except for the leaking transmission fluid...multiple trips to mechanic office and one week later = we got a bad tranny! So now it looks like an additional month of being a 1 car family :(

One thing is for sure. God is REALLY trying to teach me patience, contentment, and not to complain. I would love to say, that I am learning those things. But no, I am not. Which is probably why it keeps happening :) There are DAYS when I would say I am patient with being home all week...all month. There are DAYS when I feel like its no big deal. God has provided rides with my wonderful family and great friends. But does patience, contentment, and a happy heart define me right now, unfortunately not. I hope God doesn't break all our cars over an over to get my attention....but I guess that's not true. While it is a major inconvenience to my life, I really am thankful God loves me enough to change me to be more like His Son. Did Jesus complain when he bore the sins of the world? NO. What he joyless and annoyed when he was tortured for my sake? NO. He asked for it to pass...BUT only if it were the Father's will. I try (with His help) to follow his example. I will pray for this season to end, but should it not pass....I will need His help to find joy in Him and not my circumstances.

True Love

Lately it seems that lots of people around me are facing horrific, life changing event. Cancer, infertility/miscarriage, Cancer again. Today I read another sad story of a friend whose young son was just diagnosed with Leukemia. AH...I HATE cancer...it has killed multiple family members, nearly taken my Father's life, a friend is battling with it, and now a young child. I was so overwhelmed with sorrow this morning. I am allowed to be upset too. It was not apart of God's original plan for there to be sickness, infertility, heartache. Of course, with the news of my friend's son, I started thinking of Inara. The thought was too heavy to bear. What if SHE had it? How awful a road to walk down...I can't! Then quickly I realized....I don't have to...not yet at least.

When Inara came suddenly into our lives 2 months early...it was hard, but ok. We found joy and hope in Christ alone. People would come visit in the hospital and be overwhelmed with her story and be in tears. But I didn't cry at first, it was what it was. She was a fighter and we were so thankful she was doing ok. The trials that my friends are going through are THEIR trials...not mine and that's why I can't bear the thought of it. God allowed these things to happen, and He will bring them through it too.

I started thinking about love. How can I love Justin, Inara, family, and friends perfectly ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and wholly and NOT be overwhelmed when this sinful world causes them pain? I think I found the answer...correct me if I am wrong. You can't. To love someone is to look out for their good. Cancer is not good, sickness is not good, pain is not good. To truly love people is a dangerous path...but most fulfilling too. My heart will be broken again...as more friends have bad news, as Inara grows up and rebels against us (and God), as people I love dearly experience deep pain.

But dear readers, isn't that the most wonderful thing about The Cross. It offers hope, in a hopeless world. It offers peace, when there is no people to be had. The Cross changes everything. When you put your hope in Christ, your circumstances do not change. Christians experience pain, and job loss, and sickness. BUT Christ is bigger. I know my friends who have/are experience awful things do not have to be overcome by sorrow. YES there is sorrow when your spouse has cancer, YES there is despair when your child is very ill. But there is a hope that cannot be taken away. Hope in knowing our biggest problem (the cancer of our heart-sin) has been defeated. There is hope waiting for those who believe, in a place where there is no more pain, no more tears, only Christ...only Joy...only Peace.

So as I pray for my friends, I'll pray for me too. I pray that I would not loose sight of what matters most. Please join me in fighting for those who cannot carry this burden alone. Place them at Christ's feet. He has mercy to help in our time of need.

Does it get any better?

Today Inara fell asleep in my arms...not once, but twice! This NEVER happens, so I definitely took in every bit! Is it just me, or is having your child fall asleep in your arms quite possibly the greatest thing? I submit it must be! Lots of exclamation points because I just love that little girl so much.

I found my self thinking about God a lot today with everything I did with her. This morning she was playing on the ground and kept crawling over to the air vent (which is filthy) and she wanted to eat it. So I would say the following "Inara. Out-of-bounds. Come back please". We did this over and over. She started to get kind of pissed at me and was definitely disobeying me. I gave her a little squeeze on the hand (not to hurt, or discipline) but to get her attention. I said very sternly "Inara. NO". She did not like that and began to cry. I scooped her up and held her. I explained to her that she needs to trust me. I know she doesn't understand my rules, but they are there because I love her. I don't want her to put her mouth on dirty stuff or dangerous stuff. She calmed down and started playing with other toys. BUT WOW. Isn't that what God tells us?! He gives us rules and guidelines because he loves us, NOT because he is some mean, distant, cold God. He gives us rules such as "Have no other God before me", because he loves us and knows we need him more than anything else. How much pain I could have saved my self in high school if I had trusted God's rule of sexual relations in marriage only. How much peace and joy I can have now by trying, with His help, to live a life that pleases Him.

Then later on when Inara was asleep in my arms, I thought to my self  "oh girl, you have NOOO idea how much you are loved". I love that little babe so much, and she has NO clue how much I do. She can't possibly know. And once again, isn't that how it is with God and us? He cares so much for us, and we cannot know bounds of his love, it is so great. Yes, I do know he loves me because Christ showed his love on the cross. But I cannot know the extent of his love, because it is so great and God is so much bigger and better than we are. His love is perfect!

Ah...parenthood. Isn't it the best?

How easy

Lately I have been thinking about how easy it could be to wrap my whole life up in Inara, she has really come alive. It is obvious she knows I am her Mom, and she smiles and gets so excited to see me. It really is one of the simplest things that melts my heart every time. That being said, I know I must guard my heart to not give it all to her. The truth is that she will inevitably break my heart someday...hopefully not too soon though.

As I spend most of my time with her, since I am practically a Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), it would be so easy to make my life about her. Yes, lots of my time is spent, pumping (for her), feeding her, changing her, playing with her, but I MUST realize that true joy does NOT come from a person...it comes from Christ alone. Yes, it truly is a joyful moment when I wake her up and her tired little eyes light up when she sees me, but I am talking about a different joy. A joy in Christ! So when she is being a holy terror, or says she hates me, or sneaks out at night, I can still have a joy that no one can take away. I pray I can develop this discipline now, so when the storms of parenting come, I can take shelter in my Savior.